What’s Wrong with Hampton Roads Transit (HRT)

Having been a regular bus rider for quite some time, I have intimate experience with what works and what does not, when it comes to our “mass transit” bus services. 

The list of what’s wrong far outweighs the positive aspects at this point, but I’m hopeful that over time it will improve.  The positive aspects are that it’s (a) relatively cheap to use and (b) not usually crowded.

This is with regards to the “Max” service, which is intended to provide express service between major population zones and across city boundaries.  I seriously doubt it will improve in the next five (5) years, but maybe Elvis is still alive and will help them out.

1. Routes are incomplete and inefficient
   You cannot take a bus between many of the most densely populated areas to other densely populated areas without driving in a car to get to at least one of the endpoints.  If you want to take a bus from middle Virginia Beach to Newport News get ready for 2-1/2 to 3 hours of riding and multiple stops and at least one route change (a wait at a stop for another bus).  Some major stations have no direct links or even shuttles to connect them (e.g. Silverleaf and Indian River).
2. Routes are Not Tiered
   This might seem like a repeat of the above, but actually it’s synergistic (don’t you love that word!?).  The route structure should be based on a rigorous, reliable skeleton or “core” route service that runs independent of feeder routes.  The timing of the feeder routes should be carefully coordinated so that it jibes with the core system without making riders wait more than 15 minutes at most.  In other words, you should be able to hop on a feeder bus in Pungo or Poquoson, get off at a stop and catch a core system bus to get across the water to another city, hop on another feeder bus and at no point in the middle wait more than 10-15 minutes for the next bus.  You cannot do that right now.  Other cities have been doing this for years.
3. Stop Locations are poorly planned
   Most of the Max stops, other than “transit centers” are in shopping center parking lots or on main streets, located in such a way as to require the drivers to maneuver tricky and tight turns to loop around and park appropriately to allow riders to load and unload.  Stops should be positioned to avoid positioning maneuvers and U-turns as a top priority.  If the bus has to make an awkward turn-around at a stop to continue on the route, the stop should be moved.
4. Paper Fare Cards.  No Reuse
   It’s 2009.  Someone didn’t get the memo about being “green” and “eco-friendly”.  Daily-use, throw-away paper fare cards are a slap in the face of this entire mindset.  Not very smart of their marketing department (if they even have a marketing department).  How about a plastic, re-usable fare card?  Maybe one that can be reloaded everywhere you currently purchase the paper cards.  Maybe even a reason to go to their crappy web site and reload (might actually increase traffic and give reason to sell advertising space on the site!  Imagine that!)
5. Poorly Maintained Equipment
   While standing around at the “transit centers” I often see the drivers get out, walk around, and crawl under their bus looking for whatever is making a strange noise.  At least once per week, when stopping mid-route, the engine will die and the driver will have to restart it.  Not very reassuring.  Often the marquee is wrong and the driver can do nothing to correct it (wrong route number usually).
6. Merged Traffic
   Technically, this is technically not HRT’s fault.  It’s the fault of city traffic planners and VDOT.  Putting buses in the same horrific mess as all the moronic car “drivers” (using the term loosely here) does nothing to make the bus more efficient.  It simply offers riders the chance to take a nap and save on gas money (depending upon the price of gas and their vehicle MPG rating).  At least on the main arteries like I-64, I-264, I-664, etc. they should add a dedicated bus lane.
7. Wasted Marketing Potential
   No “specials” or incentive discounts are offered beyond the same-old tired senior citizen and military/student discounts.  How about special deals where they partner with shopping centers to cross promote?  This is not new.  Been around for decades and it works VERY well.  I believe the phrase used for this is “a win-win”.  If I have to explain this, forget it.
8. Single Purpose Stops are Dumb
   Partner with fast food and quick-shop businesses to surround your stops with something for people to do (buy) while they wait.  Maybe these could be the same businesses you cross market with (see number 7) for cross-incentive marketing.  “Shop here, get $1 off your next ride.  Buy a 10 pack of tickets, get $5 off your next purchase at __”.  Duh?
9. Diversify
   Forget waiting on the cities to pull their thumbs out of their asses.  By the time they make a decision about true “mass transit” solutions, they will have spent all their budgets consultants and studies and nothing will ever be constructed.  Municipalities are bound by federal, state and local restrictions that private businesses often can circumvent.  Not always, but more than otherwise.  Just buy up property, build the stupid light-rail/mono-rail/whatever-rail between all the key points in the region (not just within a single city) and enlist the participation of retail and food merchants to make the system profitable.  It can be done.  It’s called “vision”.  Stop asking everyone for consensus.  If they asked everyone how to build the Interstate system, it wouldn’t exist today.

American Stupidity: 0.1

So, it’s perfectly legal to plaster bumper stickers all across the back of your car that say “Fuck you!!!” in bold letters.  Covering the entire trunk and rear-facing portions of your vehicle. In such position as to be unavoidable to the drivers behind you in traffic.  Unavoidable to anyone regardless of their age, gender or religious views.  Unavoidable to anyone who isn’t blind.

It is perfectly legal.  I know.  I checked.  In fact, it’s not just the rear portion of your vehicle.  It’s anywhere on your vehicle, as long as it doesn’t obstruct your view or violate vehicle safety regulations.

However, you cannot say the F-word on TV, on the radio, in a newspaper, or a newstand magazine (unless it’s labeled for sale only to adults).  And we’re all just fine with that.  It is as it should be, according to the views of most Americans.  Otherwise, they would have lobbeyed their congressmen and senators to change that.

I had WAY too much time on my hands

This was something I did quite some time ago, but last weekend I went back and neatened it up a bit.  What is it?  Good question:

It’s a draft of what a rail-system (aka light rail) would likely have to resemble in order to be remotely useful to the people in Hampton Roads, Virginia.  If you don’t know what Hampton Roads is, or live anywhere near it, don’t bother.  It wouldn’t make any sense to you.  But if you do…

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?msa=0&msid=106594082281787636274.0004759a491ba30be0478&ct=onebox&cd=20&cad=docsearch,cid:4241414345656300890&geocode=FSg2MQId1X53-w

All of this is moot anyway.  The concept of a rail system connecting more than even two cities, in the next 20 years, is about as likely as me shitting out a cruise missile with Goofy and Mickey hanging onto it.  This area HATES mass transit.  They want cars and crappy roads and bottlenecks, because it gives everyone something to constantly bitch about.  I used to believe people here really wanted a better way to get around.  Scratch that: just a way to get around, period.  Rather than sitting still on backed-up bridges and tunnels and merge lanes and exit ramps, every morning, every evening, even holiday, weekend, lunch hour, and sprinkle or flake dropping.

I was wrong.  Apparently, surveys have shown that very few care about this situation.  Most believe it is as it should be and that it should not be changed, because change is bad.  The slogan here is “yes, we can, but no we won’t”.  If you’re looking for common sense here, keep moving on.  Nothing to see here.

Foolish Pride + Unused Vendor Support = Failure

Over the years, working both inside and outside of corporate IT environments, one thing I’ve seen way too much of is foolish pride.  It comes in all shapes, colors and sizes, but one in particular is most dangerous.

If you have a product in your environment which underpins a critical part of your company’s business, hopefully it also has paid support on it as well.  The thought of depending on something which impacts and directs the lives of employees (some or all, doesn’t really matter) without some sort of insurance is just flat-out stupid.  It happens, but mostly because someone above the IT food chain is too stupid or lazy to ask why their oxygen tube isn’t protected.  When the breathing stops, heads roll.  Preventive measures are still in fashion.

But it gets worse.  Oh yes.  This is when you have a product in place which the business depends on, along with paid vendor support (maybe even “maintenance” or “subscription”, whatever), but the staff in charge of insuring that it is working (a) properly, (b) reliably and (c) optimally, feel as if asking the vendor for guidance, even a sanity-check, is an admission of weakness or failure.  This is very common.  It’s also dangerously stupid.

If you are a business executive with any oversight or impact on your company’s IT operations, please ask your IT staff some of the following questions once in a while:

1. How often do you contact the vendor?
2. What kinds of questions do you ask them?
3. How would you rate their response?
4. Did you consult the vendor directly during your planning and deployment phase?
5. Have you ever had to contact them during a crisis?
6. Which employees are privy to these vendor interactions?
7. Are all of the interactions documented and shared?
8. What things have you ever changed as a result of vendor guidance?

If you have never thought to ask these questions, in my opinion, you should be replaced.  You are in the wrong job position.  If you have asked these questions but have either been given dodging answers, non-answers or poor answers, the IT staff should be replaced (or severely beaten in the front parking lot).  The business is your patient.  Don’t let the medical staff off with bullshit answers.

So many IT environments I’ve been in (visiting or otherwise) have staff that feels that they can figure out everything they need to know on their own.  Usually through Google, web forums / discussion groups, and some mix of vendor documentation.  But if you’re paying for vendor support, I will bet your next quarterly statement that you’re paying a significant price for that service.  If you’re not using it, you are telling the vendor:

1. We are dumbass idiots who love handing you money to do nothing
2. Since we have money to throw around, we are asking you to pester us to also buy upgrades and new products.
3. We really don’t care if your product is performing well in our environment.
4. We will never know if our implementation is operating at its best.
5. We will never know if our implementation is safe and reliable (but we keep telling ourselves it is, don’t worry)

You’re putting your job at risk.  You’re putting the company at risk.  You’re putting the jobs of other employees at risk.  You’re being stupid.  Nature doesn’t forgive stupid, it kills and eats it.  Humans love stupid.  They worship and celebrate stupid.  They buy logo merchandize to proclaim they love stupid.  But being stupid is one of the worst crimes of business.  Do yourself, your career, your company and your coworkers a huge yet silent favor and pick up the phone and start talking with your vendors.  Who knows, you might actually learn a thing or two.  You can take credit for it.  Nobody at work needs to know you called.  And even if you admit to it, it’s not a sign of weakness.  It’s an indication of taking initiative.  Something Americans seem to have forgotten about.

Certifiably Certifiable

As of this week, I am edumacated certificated as such…

• Microsoft® Certified Professional (MCP)
• MCSA on Microsoft Windows Server 2003
• MCITP: Windows Server 2008 Server Administrator
• MCTS: Microsoft Windows Vista: Configuration
• MCTS: Microsoft System Center Configuration Manager, Configuration
• MCTS: Windows Server 2008 Active Directory: Configuration
• MCTS: Windows Server 2008 Network Infrastructure: Configuration

…and yet when I get home I *STILL* have to take out the trash.  I get no respect.

Minor but Irritation Let-Downs with Windows 7 Media Center

I am very impressed with Windows 7.  I love it like no other operating system I’ve used in thirty years.  I’m not kidding.  Same goes for Windows Server 2008 (maybe moreso, actually).

When I fired up Windows Media Center on Windows 7 I was really blown away at the new look and new features compared to MCE 2005 and Vista Media Center even.

But what’s missing from WMC 7 is a large collection/selection of plug-ins to add features I feel are fairly basic to any online experience:

• Podcasts and/or YouTube
• News Feeds
• Weather
• FlickR or Picasa

So I went hunting for third-party plug-ins.  I found quite a few, but all are listed for MCE 2005 or Vista Media Center.  None are shown as being compatible with Windows 7.  Among them are

Yougle Vista - http://push-a-button.com/products/youglevista

TVTonic Wave - http://www.tvtonic.com/about/wavexpress.asp

mceWeather - http://www.scendix.com/mceweather

Hulu MCE plug-in - http://huluwmc.teknowebworks.com/ 

Yougle won’t even install on Windows 7.  Period.  TVTonic installs but won’t launch, it just crashes.  Hulu MCE plug-in hangs and crashes every time you try to launch it from the WMC console.  The only one that works is mceWeather, which works surprisingly well, even if the UI could use a few fit-and-finish tweaks.

So, I ask anyone out there:  If you know of any alternatives to these, which work entirely and cohesively withing the WMC console, please post a comment.  My highest priority would be on watching video podcasts, followed by YouTube, News, and Flickr or Picasa.

10 Must-Have Apps for Windows 7

These are not ordered by “importance” or “value” or anything, just a flat list of ten productivity booster applications for most Windows 7 users.  They are all FREE.  Enjoy!

Paint.NET	Edit and enhance pictures and image files with a variety of effects and filters.  Basic drawing and touch-up features as well.  Free
Windows Live Writer	Part of the Windows Live package, this provides a robust blog editor with support for plug-ins, multiple blog engines and multiple blog accounts.  Free
TweetDeck	Twitter desktop client with sorting, filtering, multiple account management, and links to Facebook and MySpace.  Free
7-Zip	Alternative to WinZip and WinRAR for opening, extracting and creating a wide variety of archive formats including CAB, ZIP, RAR and many more.  Free
Microsoft SharedView	Remote desktop connectivity over the web using your Live ID account.  Sort of NetMeeting on steroids but updated for Windows Vista/7 UI.  Free
DivX Player	Provides CODEC for playing most popular DivX AVI encoded movies.  Free
BitTorrent	The de facto standard of desktop torrent clients.  Need I say more?  Free
RSAT	Remote Server Administration Tools, replaces the older “Administration Tools Pack” for Windows Server 2003 management.  RSAT is for managing Windows Server 2008 as well as 2003 from a Windows 7 client.  Free
WireShark	Powerful network monitoring and logging utility.  Free
Windows Easy Transfer (XP to Windows 7)	Simple utility for backing up everything you need or want from your XP box before wiping and reloading it with Windows 7 (the way you should do it).  Available for 32 or 64-bit clients. Free

2 Steps Forward and 2 Steps Back

The news cracks me up.  As if it’s not bizarre enough to read…

Thousands race in Egypt to fight breast cancer

Then the very next headline following that one is…

Female Saudi journalist to get 60 lashes

Can you spot the irony here?  There are actually three ironies here.

Ok, NOW you can dump your login scripts

I need to rectify one of my previous posts (When it’s OK to use Scripting in lieu of Group Policy Preferences).

In particular, the following statement needs to be corrected and clarified somewhat…

GPP makes it as simple as breathing to map drives and printers against an OU or a Site.  You can employ WMI Filtering to add some flexibility to this to work with user group memberships, but it’s a little tricky and adds some additional processing overhead as well.  The bigger and more complicated your WMI query (WQL) becomes, the more overhead it incurs as well.

I completely forgot about a very basic feature of Group Policy Preferences, which is “Item Level Targeting”.  It’s essentially a pretty interface to building simple WMI filter queries (WQL).  See the example below for targeting a drive mapping to a security group.  It’s really cool and easy enoug that even a Mac user can figure it out (hee hee), even with all those confusing buttons on their super-duper “mighty mouse”.

Ten Things Americans Simply Don’t Care About

(Regardless of what you might hear in the news)

1. Gas Mileage

2. Littering

3. Swearing in Public (regardless of the surrounding age group)

4. Wearing a belt

5. Qualifications for public office

6. Government Scandals

7. Manners

8. The Environment

10. Counting

Sure, YOU may care about one of these, but you’re vastly outnumbered by those that do not.

Windows 7, Windows Server 2008 and R2

Anyone who has poked their eyes out reading my crap knows what I think about Windows 7 and Windows Server 2008.  But, just in case you still have your eyes (translation: you haven't gouged them out to avoid the excruciating agony of reading my rants):

Windows 7 is, in a word:  FANTASTIC

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a direct, indirect or contract employee of Microsoft, nor for any subsidiaries under their influence or control.  I was not approached by anyone to voice the following views.  Nor was I compensated in any way for this work by anyone from anywhere at anytime whatsoever.  These views are purely my OWN and I take full responsibility for what I say herein.  If you do not agree with these views, you are free to kiss both cheeks of my ass in the midst of a serious stomach flu or the day after a major Mexican dinner.  The choice is yours.

WARNING:

The following is a verbose, bloated, gut-wrenching, eye-socket-gouging, sphincter-tightening, fist-clenching, jaw-clenching, brow-furrowing rant which may offend those of non-Microsoft faiths.  It may border on blasphemous.  It may result in you falling asleep at your keyboard and waking up with small square imprints on your forehead.  You have been warned...

I consider Windows 7 to be the best operating system Microsoft has ever produced.  I've been a regular user of Microsoft operating systems since Windows 3.1.  I went through 3.11 (WFWG), Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT (workstation and server) 3.5, 3.51, 4.0, Windows 2000 (professional and server), Windows XP, Windows Server 2003, Windows Vista, and now Windows 7 and Windows Server 2008.  Taking the ultimate risk of alienating an entire race of beings:

Windows 7 is (to me) the best client operating system available today.

For years, I have worked extensively with UNIX variants such as Sun, Computervision, Intergraph, and many Linux variants including Mandrake/Mandriva, Suse, RedHat, Fedora, Slackware, and Ubuntu.  As recent as Windows Vista, I would still regularly split my time at home on Vista and some flavor of Linux within a virtual environment.  There were features in Linux I still preferred in both the UI and command shell.  I am still comfortable on multiple platforms, including Apple OSX Snow Leopard, which is very nice indeed.

I started into the Windows 7 evaluation cycle early on.  I jumped in during the alpha builds and progressed into the beta builds.  Like many others, I was doing a wipe-and-reload of my home computer with each new leaked build.  When the Release Candidate was posted I knew it was "it".  With the RTM release it was only fit-and-finish and even more impressive.  I have not even wanted to fire up any of my Linux virtual machines, nor bother upgrading them to newer versions (Ubuntu 9.10 was my latest).  Windows 7 is absolutely perfect for my needs.

All of the nay-sayer blabbering about the beta builds being faster because of "debug check code" and "disabled features", were completely and utterly full of shit!   By "full", I mean they were filled to capacity, including the vacuous cavity of skull volume that should have contained some sort of mammalian cerebral matter.  I will never again listen to those in-factual pseudo-pundits for anything, let alone technology advice.  If you read the tech mags, tech blogs and listen to the tech podcasts, you know who I'm talking about.

My computer, my wife's computer and my kids computers are all running Windows 7.  I love it.  They love it. And they RARELY love anything I love (except for our cat and dog of course).  It wasn't an overnight changeover by any means.  Let me elaborate here a bit...

Case in point:  I used my youngest kids for IT experiments to see if they really cared about using Windows over Linux or OSX.  I'd take them with me to the Apple store at MacArthur Mall in downtown Norfolk, and let them play with everything and watch their reactions from afar.  I'd ask them later what they liked and didn't like.  I have four kids, ages 10, 14, 17 and 18.  The 10 and 14 had their views. The 17 and 18 have theirs as well (and boy do they ever!).  All four like the animated interface of OSX and the pretty icons, but mostly they loved the large screen displays.  Once I got them using Windows 7 on a large screen they all seemed to discount the value of the animated interface goodies.

Then I replaced their desktop with a Linux desktop running Ubuntu with some Windows Vista desktop themes and also OSX themes and all the bells and whistles I could put on them that they tend to like.  The boot time was noticably slower than our Windows boxes (on the exact same hardware, by the way), and in the end, while they were fine playing online Flash games, none of their Windows games or apps would work and most importantly: iTunes was not available.  My older two use iTunes to shop and buy music and movies, which is (or was at the time) impossible with any of the iTunes clones for Linux (Floola included).  Synchronizing libraries was fine but they wanted more, and Linux couldn't satisfy their needs.

I put them all on Vista and they were borderline on that as well.  At times they would ask me to put them back on Windows XP, but I resisted, mainly to see if they'd "come around" eventually.  They did, but they were still not excited about Vista.

Then I put Windows 7 on their computers and it was like the room went from monochrome to color and someone turned the lights on.  Life is good.  Asteroids may come crashing into our planet, but we're just fine on the computer front for now.  All I heard for days was "wow!  this is cool! when did this get put in here?"

Windows Server 2008
Given that this came out in tandem (or near-by) with Vista, this was still a huge improvement over both Windows Server 2003 R2 and Windows Vista.  It's a rock-solid, easy to setup, easy to use, and extremely stable and reliable server operating system.  That's about the best way I can say it.  As with Windows 7, I jumped into the beta program early and never left.  People blabber on about how UNIX and Linux servers never need a reboot (which is utter bullshit unless you ignore patches entirely, and OH YES, they have their patches), and how "fast" they are.  A total crock of goat shit.  If you configure them to support an apples-to-apples comparison, Windows Server 2008 blows them away.  Pissed off yet?  Go back and re-read the sentence in purple again.

And Server "Core" is simply wonderful.  Sure, it stole what it does from what the Linux circus has been doing.  But the Linux circus has been stealing from the OSX and Windows world for years as well.  They all steal from each other.  Let's face it, the GUI was stolen from Xerox, so STFU everyone.

Windows Server 2008 R2 extends the vast array of improvements even further.  When most people who are familiar with Windows Server 2003 really dig into what's new in 2008 and 2008 R2 their jaws fall off their hinges.  When I used it for the first month I looked like Bob the Enzyte guy.

The list of features is like a late night infomercial wet dream.  Ok, a wet dream for IT geeks, but still a dream, and a wet one at that.  Reading about them doesn’t do it justice.  You have to SEE them and USE them yourself and you will walk away like you’ve been hit with a bolt of lightning.  If you don’t work with Windows or Windows Server it may be lost on you since your brain hasn’t been upgraded to handle this sort of incredible orgasmic synapsial activity boosting awesomeness.  Ok, maybe that’s a little over the top, but whatever.  I don’t care.  I passed another exam and I’m feeling pretty good.  And the weather outside is fantastic today.  What’s not to feel good about?

Cert Exams Week - Thoughts About Age versus Business Value-Add

I'm in the midst of a six-day, three exam, "boot camp" course in Hampton, VA. So far, I've passed two of the exams. The last one is this Saturday. If I pass that one, I will move from MCSA/2003 to MCITP-SA/2008, so I will be a happy camper. Scoff if you want, but every little bit helps. Especially since I work in the IT field and am 45 years old.

Age, generally speaking, goes against you in the IT field, except for a subset of the overall U.S. IT job market. With 18 year old kids coming out of high school with their MCITP, VCP, CCNA certs (no, I am not exaggerating one bit here), they are cheaper to hire, tend to devote longer hours at work (no family to run home to support, no sick babies to tend to, no house repairs, etc.) and so on.

So, being older, more expensive (generally), more encumbered with obligations outside of the workplace, and so on, it's a no-brainer that employers are looking for the best bang for their buck. Sure you can say that "experience" counts, but that only factors into places that value experience over a cheaper price tag. My employer is a rarity in that they do still value experience, so I am indeed lucky.  And considering I am also lucky to be able to take part in an education assistance program during a Recession like this is an added bonus.

Anyhow, I've passed 83-640, 70-642 and next up is 70-646.  Tomorrow will be a full-bore lecture and study day.  Tonight I'm going to give my brain a break.

Microsoft Updates: A Microcosmic View of a History of Bad Judgement?

In the narrow context of being my past days as a small business network admin, I did a fair amount of work with SUS, WUS and WSUS through the years.  I even published some video tutorials over at www.BlogCastRepository.com which may or may not still be in operation.  I used to post a fair amount of topical content and forum feedback over at http://www.wsus.info/ as well.  And I maintain my family home computers with WSUS as a regular habit, because I like it that much.  It’s easy to setup and use and works great.  But when I occassionally review the latest catalog of Products, I’m reminded of some of Microsoft’s bad judgement (as if I never made any bad decisions, right).

Just take a look at the current WSUS products listing as of October 2009.  Amazing.  Look at it for a few minutes before you continue on to my rant beneath it.  Otherwise, my rant will not make much sense.

All Products
	Microsoft
		BizTalk Server
			BizTalk Server 2002
			Host Integration Server 2000
			Host Integration Server 2004
			Host Integration Server 2006
		Developer Tools, Runtimes, and Redistributables
			Report Viewer 2005
			Report Viewer 2008
			Visual Studio 2005
			Visual Studio 2008
		Exchange
			Exchange 2000 Server
			Exchange Server 2003
			Exchange Server 2007 and Above Anti-spam
			Exchange Server 2007
			Exchange Server 2010
		Expression
			Expression Media 2
			Expression Media V1
		Forefront
			Forefront Client Security
			Forefront code named Stirling Beta version
			Forefront Threat Management Gateway, Definition Updates for HTTP Malware Inspection
			Forefront TMG MBE
			Threat Management Gateway Definition Update for Network Inspection System
		HPC Pack
			Compute Cluster Pack
			HPC Pack 2008
		Internet Security and Acceleration Server
			Firewall Client for ISA Server
			Internet Security and Acceleration Server 2004
			Internet Security and Acceleration Server 2006
		Live Search
			Search Enhancement Pack
		Microsoft Research AutoCollage
			Microsoft Research AutoCollage 2008
		Microsoft System Center Data Protection Manager
			Data Protection Manager 2006
		Network Monitor
			Network Monitor 3
		Office Communications Server And Office Communicator
			Office Communications Server 2007 R2
			Office Communications Server 2007
			Office Communicator 2007 R2
		Office
			Office 2002/XP
			Office 2003
			Office 2007
		SDK Components
			CAPICOM
		Silverlight
			Serverlight
		SQL Server
			SQL Server 2000
			SQL Server 2005
			SQL Server 2008
			SQL Server Feature Pack
		System Center Online
			Category for System Center Online Client
		System Center Virtual Machine Manager
			System Center Virtual Machine Manager 2007
			System Center Virtual Machine Manager 2008
		Systems Management Server
			System Center Configuration Management 2007
			Systems Management Server 2003
		Virtual Server
			Virtual PC
			Virtual Server
		Windows Essential Business Server
			Windows Essential Business Server 2008 Setup Updates
			Windows Essential Business Server 2008
			Windows Essential Business Server Preinstallation Tools
		Windows Live
			OneCare Family Safety Installation
			Photo Gallery Installation and Upgrades
			Sign-in Assistant Installation and Upgrades
			Windows Live Toolbar
			Windows Live
			Writer Installation and Upgrades
		Windows Small Business Server
			Windows Small Business Server 2003
			Windows Small Business Server 2008
		Windows
			Windows 2000
			Windows 7
			Windows Defender
			Windows Internet Explorer 7 Dynamic Installer
			Windows Internet Explorer 8 Dynamic Installer
			Windows Media Dynamic Installer
			Windows Server 2003, Datacenter Edition
			Windows Server 2003
			Windows Server 2008 R2
			Windows Server 2008 Server Manager Dynamic Installer
			Windows Server 2008
			Windows Server Manager - Windows Server Update Services (WSUS) Dynamic Installer
			Windows Ultimate Extras
			Windows Vista Dymamic Installer
			Windows Vista Ultimate Language Packs
			Windows Vista
			Windows XP 64-Bit Edition Version 2003
			Windows XP x64 Edition
			Windows XP
		Works
			Microsoft Works 8
			Microsoft Works 9
			Works 6-9 Converter

Ok, first off: Do the product names really have to be THIS fucking long?!  Really?  It’s getting beyond stupid into the realm of seriously embarrassing.  The fact that their competition isn’t beating the shit out of them just on this point is another embarrassment on their part.  Apple?  Come on, this is WAY too easy.  I’m talking easy as a white kid from Encino walking into a Crips hang-out with cash hanging out of every pocket and staggering drunk.  Can you see where this would go?

Google, Apple, IBM, EMC, Symantec, RedHat, they should all be lining up with their brass knuckles ready for a beating.  Jobs himself would be collecting the entry fees at the door of course (he’s not a beater anyway, Schiller would handle that for him).

Second, just looking at the categorization for a bit, you should see some real head-scratchers.  Just under the “Windows” category there are some really bizarre placements.  Why is all the IE stuff there?  What the hell is “XP 64-Bit Edition Version 2003” anyway?  I can’t find that on any of their product pages.  Why is Defender here? And, why aren’t Silverlight and CAPICOM up under the Developer Tools and Runtimes category?

Third, what’s up with the splitting up of the System Center catalog?!  I thought the marketing focus was on their coherence and complimentary aspect.   Looking at this you’d think they were all made by other companies and hate each other.  Maybe they won’t sit next to each other on the bus, like quibbling siblings or something.  And what happened to Windows Server 2003 R2?  Is it gone?  No longer supported?  And why isn’t Live Search under the Windows Live category as well?

Very bizarre stuff.  But the one thing that always jumps out at me with the most irony and melancholic despair is “Windows Ultimate Extras”.  It’s like the last sad clown to stroll off the circus floor back through the curtains when the spotlights are shut off.

Someone really needs to crack the whip and clean house on this mess.  It’s really that bad.  So bad, that I’m embarrassed for them and I don’t even work for them in any respect whatsoever.

The entire list needs to be cleaned up, re-organized, re-sorted, and it would not only work better for WSUS admins (and System Center ConfigMgr admins) but would put a little more lipstick on this squealing pig of marketing history.  I’m not saying WSUS is the pig.  I’m referring to the company’s history of naming products.  I could go on, but it’s making my head hurt.

Pixar Intro Parody (College Humor)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Certification Consternation Gyration

So, the worn-out argument goes like this:

Computer Geek 1 says: “I got my certification!”

Computer Geek 2 says: “Big deal.  Certs mean nothing.”

Computer Geek 3 says: “Did you study or do a boot camp?”

These are essentially the three basic views within the world of those who find it difficult to get laid and dress appropriately at the same time.  Scratch that.  These are folks that just have a tough time getting laid.  In any case, the argument is worn out to death.  But I had to touch on a slightly marginalized aspect of this that deals with Geek 3 above.

There is a narrow debate going on that says studying for weeks, even months, deserves more accolades and congratulations than do those who cram in a “boot camp” session.  Both arrive at the same result: a certification.

But the exams do not measure your studying.  They measure your ability to respond to questions.  They measure your ability to respond to problems in a controlled environment and with very narrow constraints.

Here’s my 1.9 cents:  If you purely respond to exam questions with real-life solutions, you will barely pass.  The reason is that many questions offer up answers that simply do not fit with real world situations.  The best answer is often not the most efficient or reliable solution in the real world.  Any instructor will concur.  Any.  Just ask one.  So, if you cram in how to respond to answers using a boot camp, it’s no less valuable in the end than doing it the “hard way”.  Just sayin.  You can disagree, which is fine.  It’s a free country/world/universe.  For now.

An Unusual Site in Virginia Beach: A Maserati Sedan

That’s right.  I was at the Virginia Beach Central Public Library today (otherwise known as the “Meyera Oberndorf” library) and parked right next to this beauty.  I wasn’t the only one to notice either.  Several other couples pulled in nearby and it caught their eye as well.  The funny thing was that every guy said something like “wow, check this out!” or “do you know what this is?!”, while every female in their company said something like “that’s nice, can we go?”.  Makes you wonder where the logic of having a slick car getting the babes really comes from.

 

In case you’re noticed, yes, those are air-less tires on those shiney alloy rims.  Pretty cool, if you ask me.  The blue photo is the result of my daughter’s camera phone having a blue filter setting turned on.  The car is actually a soft gold color as is shown in the other two photos.  The interior is difficult to see due to glare on the window, but trust me, it is very nice!  Too bad the owner junked up the back seat.  It was really loaded with cups, clothes, wrappers and so on.

Dear Autodesk: Please Consult your Enterprise Customers

Dear Autodesk,

The next time you embark on the cycle towards a new product release, please keep us 10,000+ computer environments in mind?  Maybe ask us what we’d like to see in your deployment building utilities.  We’ve been suffering though each product release with enormous investments in labor hours dealing with the various inconsistencies, quirks, nuances and so on.  Talking to our “customer rep” has resulted in little more than lip service. 

The impression from our corporate budgetmeisters is that Autodesk sees themselves as having grown to think they are superior to our trivial needs.  This is ironic, since my employer is much larger than Autodesk and has more than 3x your market cap and stock price.  Our IT services routinely deploy to, and support, more than 20,000 computer devices within a mission critical environment.  The scale of our systems is rather significant, even by today’s standards.

We have to re-package your product installation components due to the nature by which your provided “deployment utility” builds images.  They are not built with our environments in mind.  We are required to bundle several of your products into a single “package” for deployment, yet your deployments do not make this feasible. 

I think we kind of deserve a say in how features should shape up.  At least an opportunity to be heard.  So far, we’ve been ignored.  Other vendors like Siemens and Dassault waste no opportunity to pounce on this in front of our board members.  And this is showing gains to their benefit already.  It would serve you well to, at the very least, help improve the opinions of our IT department, whom they listen to for “on the ground” advice about products and strategies.

Some key points to consider:

• Most large corporate environments do NOT give ordinary users “Admin” or “Power User” rights.
• We do not like applications making Internet connections without the ability to turn that off entirely.
• When we say “do not put a shortcut on the desktop” we really mean it.
• Wrap your installer in something that actually keeps the parent installer process alive whilst the child processes are busy at work?  This would help us folks with SMS, System Center ConfigMgr, Altiris, and so on a great deal.  It would help script writers as well.
• Raster Design needs to get a leash put on it.  It’s a bit stupid in a network license environment.
• Standardize your updates!  Please just pick ONE format.  .MSP would be nice.  Right now you have .ZIP, .EXE, .MSP, .MSI, as well as individual files.  This is patently absurd and stupid.
• Improve your apps to detect corrupt DWG files.  This is preferred over them simply crashing with FATAL ERROR: Unhandled Exception.
• Make it easier for us to push a custom profile (.arg) and set default shortcuts on the clients.  First launch always reverts them back to vanilla configurations, which breaks this.

This is a start.

I will keep my eyes and ears ready for a response.  If any.  If I do hear something, I will be sure to post a follow-up here.  I too would like to see a better, friendlier product and a happier customer.

Conversations with my Cat

Here’s a list of things my cat said over the past week (I speak cat):

“Scratch me.  Now!”

“feed me, dammit!”

“let me out, right now!!!”

“let me back in, dammit!”

“why do we have a stupid dog?”

“why is that other cat on our lawn?!”

“let me out again.  now!!”

“i’m taking a dump.  don’t watch me!”

“i’m pretty.  worship me, stupid human.”

“scratch me again, right now.”

Ask the Guru: Episode 1

Q. What is the best programming language?

What is the problem you’re aiming to solve?

Q. Is Windows 7 better than OSX Snow Leopard?

Define “better”.

Q. If you’re such a “guru” why haven’t we heard of you?

Because you are a dumbass.

Q. What makes you think you’re a “guru”?

I don’t. So why are you here?

Q. Which president do you like more: Bush or Obama?

I thought they were the same person.  One is wearing makeup.

Q. Do you consider yourself a Republican or Democrat?

I consider myself someone who isn’t a dumbass that believes in party politics.

Q. Do you vote?

Sometimes.

Q. How will the Earth end?

How the f*** would I know?

Q. How do you stand on Abortion?

I don’t.

Q. What do you think of the conflicts in the Middle East?

The entire region should be nuked and replaced with a theme park.

Q. Who’s in charge?

Ain’t you?!

Q. What’s wrong with drivers today?

There’s too many.  We need to start eliminating them.

Q. What do you think about Racism?

Everyone is racist.  Those that deny it are liars.

Q. What do you think about Gay Rights?

I don’t.

Q. Where can you find the best breakfast?

In New York City, Boston or Philly. I prefer NYC.

Q. My computer is slow.  What should I do?

Why is it always the computer’s fault?  Maybe you’re too slow.

Q. Your answers are so cryptic.  Why is that?

The answer is the question.  The question is the answer.

Q. Is there an “after life”?

You’re living it.  Sorry to kill the buzz.

Q. Is there a God?

Why don’t you ask him/her?

Q. What are your religious views?

Whatever suits the situation at hand.

Q. Who will rule the Earth in 100 years?

Corporations.

Comparing Chantix® to Marijuana

You may have noticed the sharp increase in side effects declarations in your favorite pharmaceutical product advertisements lately.  You may have also noticed how they carefully list the potential adverse reactions and warnings while showing pleasant, comforting scenery and playing soothing music at a volume that just barely allows the narrator to get the message out.  It meets legal requirements.  After all, I’m sure they would’ve voluntarily divulged this information without that cranky old government making them to that.  Right?

So let’s compare one popular prescription drug, Chantix® made by PfizerTM, with a popular non-prescription drug, Marijuana.  The gloves are off.  The fighters are in their corners, waiting to come out when the bell rings.  It rang.

Chantix® (1)	Marijuana (2)
Changes in Behavior	Changes in Behavior
Hostility	Impared Coordination
Agitation	Increased Heart Rate
Depressed Mood	Difficulty with Memory
Suicidal Thoughts or Actions	Difficulty with Problem Solving
Nausea	Dopamine Receptor Stimulation (“High” sensation)
Constipation	Possible Relationship with Schizophrenia
Sleep Problems	Anecdotal: Lethargy
Gas	Anecdotal: Increased Hunger
Vomiting	Anecdotal: Difficultly with Learning
Vivid, Unusual “Strange” Dreams
Complication Concerns for Pregnancy, Diabetes, Asthma, Blood Thinners, Kidney Dialysis
Anxiety
Panic
Aggression
Anger
Mania
Abnormal Sensations
Hallucinations
Paranoia
Confusion
Skin Reactions (Rash, Redness, Swelling, Peeling)
Swelling of the Throat
Blisters in the Mouth

Sources:

(1) http://www.chantix.com/safety-info.aspx

(2) http://www.nida.nih.gov/infofacts/marijuana.html

My Windows 8 Wishlist

I might as well get started early, right?  Ultimately, none of this means squat.  Microsoft doesn’t read this crap anyway.  And given the degression of of beta program in general (see my previous blog post on this), I expect the next “beta” to end up being a “here it is, hope you like it, but don’t tell us what you think, we don’t care anymore”.

1. Pervasive Recycle Bin:
   It should become the “bin” for all things delete-able.  Including Scheduled Tasks, Registry Keys, and so on.  Anything that can be deleted from any part of or feature within the operating system should go into the bin and support undelete.
2. A Self-documenting Registry:
   Keys should be tied to descriptors in the same way they are (optionally) in Group Policy Objects.  Maybe it’s time to move the registry into a more robust data store while you’re at it.
3. Integrated App-V Client:
   Screw MDOP.  Just put the App-V client into the OS.  Make it pervasive and ubiquitous.  Imagine the potential savings for enterprise IT departments over current application conflict management issues.
4. Run IE in an App-V Package:
   As an extension of number 3 above, this would eliminate browser vulnerability exploits.
5. Close WMI structural gaps:
   Time to close the holes in the WMI (CIM) model.  It’s definitely a huge improvement over previous versions, but holes remain.  Logical to physical disk interface mapping would be a nice start.
6. UI on PowerShell:
   Just like Exchange 2007 and 2010 are UI shells on top of PowerShell, the same should go for the operating system itself.  This might go hand-in-hand with the next item actually.
7. Refactor all CMD Utilities:
   Shore up syntax consistency between all command utilities like REG, SC, NET X, NETSH, SHUTDOWN, MSIEXEC, etc.  Choose whether arguments will use a dash or a slash.  Whether hostnames will require \\ prefixes or not.  Use a consistent noun/verb structure.  Finish the PRINT command library (correctly?).  Maybe combine and consolidate with Sysinternals utilities.  For God’s sake: clean house!
8. Visual Time Synch Alerts:
   How about making the clock show an alert (symbol, red, etc.) when it determines that NTP synch discovery is failing, or NTP drift is reaching marginal limits, etc.?  Something to visually indicate there may be a problem with time sychronization.  Especially on domain controllers, but even on clients this could be useful.
9. I’m still thinking.  Check back later…

Twitter and Windows Automation Contemplation

I decided to break out the coffee on a cold, gray, rainy Saturday, and post a couple of tutorials on using Twitter as a means for communicating with your computer from afar.  First post is on getting your computer to send to Twitter.  The next post will be on controlling your computer from Twitter.  It’s really not that difficult, if you really want to do this.  It’s all a matter of how much you want to do this.  In fact, if you can control a computer, you can control almost anything.  That’s because you can already rig your surroundings to your computer, so…    Anyway, I hope this helps spark some imagination gyration out there.  Have fun!

Economic Signs Point to …. Confusion?

Markets are up.  Right?  So what’s the big deal?  The news says the “recession” is over.  We can all move along now.  Get back to work.  Stop your complaining.  No more layoffs, foreclosures, closings, none of that.  That’s all over now.  Things are… umm, well…

Unemployment is approaching 10 percent.  And that’s not counting those that dropped off the end when their benefits expired.  Even after several extensions.  Some folks are just not going to find another job.

The federal deficit is at a RECORD HIGH by the way.  In other words, the U.S. government owes more money to debtors than it EVER has in history.

Yet everything is fine.  No worries.  Go back to work.

Privacy is a real Hoot

It starts like this:  I log into my Anthem Insurance member web portal to see my coverage details and search for a doctor for my oldest daughter.  But when I click on my plan details, and click on the link to view the covered names, my wife and my oldest daughter don’t appear anywhere.  It appears they aren’t covered, even though I’m paying for the “self+family” plan and named all four children and my wife.

I submitted a web feedback comment asking what this meant and was it a mistake or were they actually not covered.  Being it’s the “web” and all “technical” and all that, I expected an email reply. Mostly because I had to enter my e-mail address.

They replied with a postal form letter.

It says that persons on the plan of age 18 or older are protected by privacy policies that prevent anyone else from seeing their “information” unless they logon and explicitly grant such permissions.

So, I cannot even see that they are covered.  That’s what “privacy” means to Anthem Insurance.  That makes a lot of sense.  It’s retardedly stupitastically fucking stupid.

Where Can you Find Real Americans? At WalMart of Course

http://www.PeopleOfWalMart.com

Sarah Silverman: Sell the Vatican, Feed the World

BackaDaBussBeyoches!

Today's adventure is brought to you by HRT, the solution for all your mass transit failure needs.

So, I got off work at 3:00 and strolled to the bus stop a few blocks away as I do every day.  Normally I wait around for the 3:35 bus to arrive, but today I got to the stop at 3:10 and the 3:00 bus just pulled up.  10 minutes late is not a big deal and it actually worked out good for me (I got to get a head-start by 30 minutes).  But as soon as everyone got on and paid their fare, and sat down, the driver shut the engine off, got off and went inside to go to the bathroom.

This is where it got fun.

A woman in the front of the bus freaked out and started swearing and yelling and then whipped out her cell phone to call HRT. She actually got an answer, which is amazing (HRT rarely responds to consumer feedback).  She then proceeded to unload a truckload of pent-up hormonal imbalance on the person on the other end.  10 minutes later (3:20 now) he returned, started the engine and took off like a tsunami was spotted coming over the horizon.  I mean: this guy didn't drive it like he stole it.  He drove it like he wanted to fucking destroy it!  Bouncing, swirving, speeding, fast turns and leaning.  Wow!  I think it made up for missing a whole year of Busch Gardens.

Interviewing the Candidates: Bill Bolling vs Jody Wagner

Jody Wagner (D) and Bill Bolling (R) are 2009 candidates for the office of Lieutenant Governor of Virginia.  Their TV ads are increasingly hostile towards each other, drawing near-slanderous in their zeal to convince voters to choose a side sooner, rather than later.  So, I sat down with them to discuss their campaigns and their agendas.  This of course is purely fictional and could never have occurred in real life.  But maybe it could.  Hmmm.

Me: Thank you both for taking time out of your busy schedules to meet with me.

Bill: Uh, yeah.  Are we going to actually go somewhere to do this?

Me: I thought that that the three of us in my Smart Car Coupe would reinforce a sense of closeness and interaction that would be otherwise lost in a larger setting.  Jody?  Are you ok back there?

Jody: (struggling with something) I am.  I am.  I’m trying to get my purse out from behind me.  I thought these had a back seat.

Me: Well, it folds down.  Maybe when the rain stops.

Jody: This alley is kind of creepy.  Can we pull around to a brighter area maybe?

Me: Are you more concerned about your surroundings, or the importance and urgency of the office of Lt. Governor?!  C’mon!

(Both): Ok, Ok, Jesus!

Me: So, Bill, what does the Lt. Governor actually do?

Bill: She’s going to raise your taxes!  Her plan is to follow the same rhetorical failure of the last Democrat into a doomed outcome, garnished with trimmings of failure and smothered in failure sauce, served to our constituents.

Jody: Wow!  You fit all that on that little index card?  Very impressive!

Bill: Thanks!  I mean, you should drop out.  You don’t stand a chance of winning!

Jody: Answer the question Bill!

Bill: It backs up the Governor.

Me: That’s it?!

Jody: Boy, that’s really sad.  Bill.  The Lt. Governor provides a crucial service to the citizens of Virginia that reinforces the efforts of the Governor by standing in for him or her when appropriate and representing the Governor in all things Gubernatorial in nature.

Bill: You have a bigger index card.

Jody: Yep.  And I wrote on both sides.

Me: So, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… what exactly does that mean?

Jody: Fuck if I know.

Bill: (laughing smugly)

Me: Jody? What will you do if you win?

Jody: “if”?  You mean “when”.  I AM going to win.  I’m going to throw a party.

Bill: I’m going to take my family on a vacation

Me: Then what?

Bill: What do you mean?

Me: What will you do next? When you take the office and start to work.

Bill: I’ll do, work stuff.  You know… governor stuff, and, like, but I mean Lt. Governor.

Jody: Yeah!  As if we have to explain that to anyone.  It’s not like we owe anyone an explanation.  The job has been around long enough to where everyone should know what it means.

Me: But for our younger readers… (cut off)

Jody: This is stupid!  Can we get out and walk around?!  All you, or anyone else, needs to know is that Bill is going to raise your taxes, make your kids stupider and skim budgets to pad his retirement.

Bill: Oh shut up!  You chose to get in first you dumbass.  And YOU are the one who’s going to raise taxes.  Liar!

Jody: When I get out I’m going to kick you in the nuts ten fucking times!

Bill: Try it, beyoch!

Me: (gets out of car and runs to nearest coffee shop)

The De-Evolution of Beta Testing

I’m not going to drag you through a regurgitation of how I got into computing or when, but it was years ago.  My nephew Mike nudged me in the direction and I just fell in neck-deep after that.  De-evolution, or DeVo (haw haw), is the degradative effect of devolving from one state to a lesser state.  That’s what I’ve seen happen with software product beta testing.  I really thought about this after reading Robert McLaws’ recent blog post about his resentment towards something Steve Ballmer said about Vista beta testers.  I agree with Robert 100% by the way.

Along the way I became engrossed in software programming and after college got deeper into software architecture, design and engineering.  But rather than getting lost in the acronymn soup of SDLC, CMMI, and so on, I tried to stick to just doing it right and having fun along the way.  If it’s not fun, after all, you’re wasting your time.

Somehow I got into volunteering to help beta test products for various companies.  It was exciting and I did my best to run their products as hard as I could and exercise all the demons from them I could.  That started in the late 1990’s.  My last involvement with beta testing, in the classic sense, was 2007.  Some companies can be named.  Others cannot, due to legal restrictions, but regardless, they were for the most part large corporate businesses, not small shops.

1998-2001

Primary interaction was by e-mail.  Software was sent via postal mail in discrete packaging, with an NDA insert to sign and mail back (for some, not all).  Sometimes a web site was setup with a secure login to provide and track feedback.  Initial involvement was at the “alpha” stage.  Usually this included a hundred or so testers, prior to progressing to “beta” and including thousands more.  Problem reports, even with respect to documentation, were followed up with e-mails and phone calls (depending upon severity and “exposure” to mass impact).  Enhancement requests were normally given due consideration with sufficient interaction via e-mail to rationalize the effort and prioritization.

2002-2004

Primary interaction was by e-mail and web portals.  Software was downloaded from FTP servers.  Web portals used about as much as e-mail for channeling comments, resolving issues and fielding requests.  Initial involvement was still “alpha” but increasingly not until “beta”.  Initial round of testers was in the 500-1000 range on average.  Problem reports were followed up with e-mails and only closed when resolved.  “Beta” stage still considered enhancement requests as long as level of effort to address was determined to be “minor”.

2005-2007

Primary interaction was by web portal. E-mail being rare.  Documentation efforts were separated from the product trials.  Software was downloaded from web portals.  Initial involvement was overwhelmingly “beta”.  Enhancement requests firmly rejected as being “too late” in the cycle.  As best as I could determine, only largest (highest paying, highest visibility) customers and partners were invited to be in the “alpha” and were given priority channels for development feedback.  “Feature Frozen” at “beta” became the standard.

Side-by-Side Comparison and Contrast

1998-2001	2002-2004	2005-2007
Initial: Alpha	Initial: Beta	Initial: CTP
E-mail	E-mail/Web	Web
In Flux	Rationalized	Feature Frozen
6-8 months	8-12 months	1 year
Product & Docs	Product & Docs	Product Only
Some Marketing	Little Marketing	No Marketing
Voice Comm	E-mail Comm	Web Forum
Alpha: Enthusiasts	Alpha: Developers	Alpha: High Profile
Rewards: Free Software, Swag, Mentions	Rewards: Free Software, Swag	Reward: Free Software
Invite: Ask	Invite: Sales Rep	Invite: Inside Contact

The gradually emerging trend is somewhat apparent, but not overtly obvious: The testing process is becoming more rigidly controlled from all aspects.  This includes who gets invited.  How they can communicate with the vendor.  And what happens as a result of the feedback.  It’s also becoming more controlled from a cost standpoint.  Less is being “given away” and the communication infrastructure itself is being moved from a human/labor base to a web/automation base.  Metrics are king.

After 2007 I enjoyed a career change (that’s a joke, actually) and found little time to devote to participating heavily in testing trials.  I still get invites, but not nearly as often or as many, but that’s to be expected.  My last significant involvement concluded with a simple “thank you” and no offer of a free license or anything else.  Kind of a smack in the face for all the hours spent helping them do essentially what their own (paid) staff should have done.  As I said, I can’t (and won’t) name names, but it wasn’t just one company, and it wasn’t just me.  Having enjoyed the company of many other testers, we shared information about our experiences quite often, so I know what I’m saying is fairly reliable and consistent.

I hope this trend turns around.  It’s really becoming sterile and detached from emotion.  And emotion is what humans base all decisions on, regardless of how logical they should be.  “gut feeling” is always involved.  If you remove “gut feeling” from the perception of your product it becomes just a “product” and not the culmination of all the imagination, the personal involvement, the work and the (oh my God, not the following word?!….) “craftsmanship” that sets it apart from all the other “products” that do essentially the same thing. 

So, Mr/Ms CEO, I ask you: Is that what you really want?!

The Law of Wasted Effort

There’s an unwritten, yet firmly enforced law of nature and humanity that I like to call the law of “wasted effort”.  It goes like this:

Actions shall be undertaken until such time as it becomes obvious that said actions are not providing the intended result.

Nature lives by this every second of every hour of every day.  Humans generally follow this too.  You’ll call your dog only so long before giving up. You’ll wait on the phone only so long.  You get the picture.  So, what’s the big deal?  I’m glad you asked.

There’s one organism that not only ignores this law, but willfully and intentionally violates it on a daily basis.  This organism is called: government.

The government organism will continue dumping money and labor into useless, aimless projects until the money either runs dry or attention is brought to bear on the absurdity.  Running out of funding is not a garanteed termination either.  Money is typically syphoned from other sources, usually those more critical than the one being wasted on, in order to keep it going.  The attention part is usually what kills these evil rejects of natural selection.  However, it almost always ends up with those who are really to blame getting away with blaming it on others, who take the fall and punishment.  Let’s try to enforce the law, shall we?

Interviewing the candidates: Nancy Pelosi vs Olympia Snowe

Here I am again. This time it’s not about true election "candidates", but rival viewpoints of two incumbents. These are two of the key players in the ongoing debate over national health care reform.  Olympia Snowe, a Republican, and Nancy Pelosi, a Democrat.

Let's get it on...

Me: Welcome ladies. I'm so glad we could meet on such short notice.

Snowe: Was it your idea to meet in the lingerie section of the local WalMart?

Me: I thought it would help set a nice feminine atmosphere. I hope you're not offended?

Snowe: Offended? No. But I don't wear lingerie either.

Pelosi: She wears boxers. I mean seriously... Look at her! She played the one-armed bad guy in The Fugutuve. Remember?

Me: Oh yeah. No, wait...

Snowe: Listen you ditsy-ass nail-polish bitch. Back off or I'll show you one of those "jobs, jobs, jobs". Where was I?

Me: Well, I was going to ask about health care reform. Your thoughts?

Snowe: Nancy-pants doesn't know shit about that topic. The name is too long for her shriveled mind to handle. That bitch is bad news.

Pelosi: Shriveled?! What?...

Snowe: As I was about to say... We need it. But it'll never happen. No one can agree and big business has no desire to help you live longer.

Me: Why is that?

Snowe: Because... (Interrupted)

Pelosi: Because it doesn't translate into jobs, jobs, jobs. Let's vote for...

Snowe: Will you please shut your hole bitch? Because, the longer you live past retirement the more they have to pay out on retirement funds. The more the insurance companies have to fork out. The more cars you wreck and let's face it: diapers suck.

Pelosi: You mean "pork out". Those insurance guys are just diabolical. I was getting a cosmetic lift - and they denied my claim! Can you believe it?! The absurdity! Oh! Face lifts should be covered. Its just a fundamental part of our American culture.

Snowe: (staring blank in total disbelief...)

Pelosi: What? Don't look at me that way.

Snowe: I hope you're infertile.

Me: Will any health care reform bill be passed in this term?

Pelosi: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Snowe: Yes, but... it will be so watered down that it will be completely meaningless. Just the way we need it to be

Pelosi: Huh? No face lifts?

Snowe: I'm about to lift your face with my foot. Geez. What a stupid bitch

(At this point the ladies lurch out of their chairs and get into a violent fight on the floor. Customers are standing around. Eventually, a manager breaks it up and we move to the sporting goods section)

Snowe: That's what I call a knee job. Bitch.

Pelosi: Having trouble talking with a missing front tooth

Me: Ms. Pelosi, Why is Gitmo still open when Obama said it was ordered closed?

Pelosi: Can you tell I'm mithing my tooth?

Snowe: I'll tell you why, because Obama is not the real president. Barney Frank is controlling him. He's been hooked up with a laser-guided anal probe remote control and a long cable. Haven't you noticed they never show hime below the waste up close?

Pelosi: That's not true! They keep the camera up high so they don't show me blowing him. That's a fact!

Me: (speechless)

Snowe: I told you that bitch is bad news.

Me: ok, that's a wrap. Thank you ladies for taking time from your busy schedule to allow me to interview you.

Pelosi: Ith my pleasure. And thank you Thenator Thnowe

Snowe: whatever

Pelosi: Ooh, the “hello kitty” hunting vethhhht lookth really thweet.

Interviewing the Candidates: Round 1 - Deeds and McDonnell

The following interview may have taken place, or maybe not. In any case, I put these candidates to the test on questions about our local government, citizens and our future.

Me: Good evening gentlemen. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me here at Chuck-E-Cheese's. I hope it's not too noisy?

Deeds: What?

McDonnell: He said... that he hopes you're not nosey! (Yelling over the screaming kids nearby)

Deeds: Fuck you, Bob. I'm not going for that one.

Me: I'll start with Mr. Deeds and ask - what do you see as being the biggest challenges ahead if you win the election?

Deeds: Well, first off, my opponent is a fag. Second, he's going to raise taxes.

McDonnell: Your momma.

Deeds: He is. There are reports that he plays footsie under the stalls in gas station restrooms. And that he beats off to the lingerie pics in the Sears catalog.

McDonnell: I'm going raise my foot up your ass. What kind of name is 'Creigh' anyway? And that's your middle name?! Holy shit! Is your first name 'suzy' or what?

Me: Gentlemen, please?

Deeds: What's most important here is to know Bob doesn't have a plan, other than to raise taxes on the working class.

McDonnell: That's a lie! I have a great plan. Deeds is the one who will raise taxes! And, HE's the fag!

Deeds: Don't ask - Don't tell?

Me: Gentlemen? I've asked this before, but last question: what is your plan, Creigh?

Deeds: He's going to raise your taxes.

Me: Mr. McDonnell?

McDonnell: Whatever.

Me: thank you gentlemen for your time. May the best man win.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Hampton Roads: The Official FAQ

Here it is Hampton Roaders: your unofficial official FAQ for everything Hampton Roadsy!

What is a Hampton Roads?

It’s a collection of cities that cannot get along and work together over anything, even though most of them have residents that work in neighboring, yet evil, cities.

Where did the name Hampton Roads come from?

It was derived from a poker game back in 1852 between Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.  The winner got to drag the loser behind a horse at full speed down a gravel road that connected Norfolk and Hampton, prior to the last ice age.  Over time the name has been more associate with the least-functioning aspect of our region: roads.  As in: you will sit on our roads until you die of old age.

What cities are part of Hampton Roads?

Norfolk, and Virginia Beach are the important ones.  The others just want free beer and a ride on Federal and State budgets.  You just can’t keep those thugs out of a good party, I’m tellin ya.  The riff-raft are: Hampton, Newport News, Chesapeake, Portsmouth, Suffolk, and Yorktown. Some argue that Williamsburg, Smithfield and Surry are included, but those people are crack addicts.

What are the major industries / jobs in Hampton Roads?

Since the area is owned and operated by the U.S. Department of Defense, pretty much anything that buys from, sells to, or services our men and women in service is fair game.  Tourism is pretty big too, but only for bringing in people who act rude and leave their trash everywhere and split town.  If you’re looking for a job, keep moving on to the next town.  We don’t want you homeless folks here.

What’s the climate like?

Winters are sissy-fied with cloudy cool averages in the upper 30’s, occassionally dropping into the 20’s, but only long enough to hear people whine and cry about their heating bills.  Summers are warm and humid, with clouds and clouds of biting mosquitoes to keep you busy.

Education

We gotz schools, beyoch.  But you can’t afford em unless you be from somewhere up North where they gotz money.

Crime

Only in the bad places.  Keep yo ass inside your crib and you’ll be safe.  Maybe.

Sports?

We have none.  You got a TV don’t you?!

Entertainment?

Clubs, parks, nature, traffic and idiots attempting to drive in traffic.

Transportation Systems

That’s hilarious.  You think we give a damn about you getting “from A to B” around here?  Ha!!  The roads are designed to prevent you from leaving.  There are buses, but they don’t go where you want to go.  It’s cars or walk - beyoches.  Hurricane evacuation plans rank high with Elvis sightings.  Mythical is the word.

City by City attractions:

Hampton	ummm…
Chesapeake	Um, hold on. I’m thinking…
Portsmouth	ummmmmm…. crap.  I forgot.
Virginia Beach	Beaches, Parks, Shops, Clubs, Restaurants
Norfolk	All the above except for beaches
Yorktown	Civil war battlefields.  Neato
Newport News	uhhhh… oh yea! Newport News Park, and Noland Trail
Suffolk	Peanuts and lean-to’s
Williamsburg	Busch Gardens

Stay Tuned – More to be added…