Jody Wagner (D) and Bill Bolling (R) are 2009 candidates for the office of Lieutenant Governor of Virginia. Their TV ads are increasingly hostile towards each other, drawing near-slanderous in their zeal to convince voters to choose a side sooner, rather than later. So, I sat down with them to discuss their campaigns and their agendas. This of course is purely fictional and could never have occurred in real life. But maybe it could. Hmmm.
Me: Thank you both for taking time out of your busy schedules to meet with me.
Bill: Uh, yeah. Are we going to actually go somewhere to do this?
Me: I thought that that the three of us in my Smart Car Coupe would reinforce a sense of closeness and interaction that would be otherwise lost in a larger setting. Jody? Are you ok back there?
Jody: (struggling with something) I am. I am. I’m trying to get my purse out from behind me. I thought these had a back seat.
Me: Well, it folds down. Maybe when the rain stops.
Jody: This alley is kind of creepy. Can we pull around to a brighter area maybe?
Me: Are you more concerned about your surroundings, or the importance and urgency of the office of Lt. Governor?! C’mon!
(Both): Ok, Ok, Jesus!
Me: So, Bill, what does the Lt. Governor actually do?
Bill: She’s going to raise your taxes! Her plan is to follow the same rhetorical failure of the last Democrat into a doomed outcome, garnished with trimmings of failure and smothered in failure sauce, served to our constituents.
Jody: Wow! You fit all that on that little index card? Very impressive!
Bill: Thanks! I mean, you should drop out. You don’t stand a chance of winning!
Jody: Answer the question Bill!
Bill: It backs up the Governor.
Me: That’s it?!
Jody: Boy, that’s really sad. Bill. The Lt. Governor provides a crucial service to the citizens of Virginia that reinforces the efforts of the Governor by standing in for him or her when appropriate and representing the Governor in all things Gubernatorial in nature.
Bill: You have a bigger index card.
Jody: Yep. And I wrote on both sides.
Me: So, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… what exactly does that mean?
Jody: Fuck if I know.
Bill: (laughing smugly)
Me: Jody? What will you do if you win?
Jody: “if”? You mean “when”. I AM going to win. I’m going to throw a party.
Bill: I’m going to take my family on a vacation
Me: Then what?
Bill: What do you mean?
Me: What will you do next? When you take the office and start to work.
Bill: I’ll do, work stuff. You know… governor stuff, and, like, but I mean Lt. Governor.
Jody: Yeah! As if we have to explain that to anyone. It’s not like we owe anyone an explanation. The job has been around long enough to where everyone should know what it means.
Me: But for our younger readers… (cut off)
Jody: This is stupid! Can we get out and walk around?! All you, or anyone else, needs to know is that Bill is going to raise your taxes, make your kids stupider and skim budgets to pad his retirement.
Bill: Oh shut up! You chose to get in first you dumbass. And YOU are the one who’s going to raise taxes. Liar!
Jody: When I get out I’m going to kick you in the nuts ten fucking times!
Bill: Try it, beyoch!
Me: (gets out of car and runs to nearest coffee shop)