Dave's Hurricane Survival Guide

Living here in Virginia, I've experienced my share of hurricanes and Nor-Easters (quite often more damaging than hurricanes actually).  Every time they announce a new name and show that dreaded "cone" of destructive fate, my inlaws and siblings start e-mailing and calling, making sure we're taking it seriously and are ready for the "event".

First off, yes.  Living here, we have eyeballs like Iguanas that can focus one eyeball on what we're doing, with the other on the TV or computer screen.  It can be confusing. For example, when having sex, it's not uncommon to scream out "Category 5!!!!!" when reaching climax.  At this point, you partner might instinctively jump to grab a sheet of plywood and a cordless electric screw-driver.  You get used to it after a while.

So, what exactly should you gather in preparation for a hurricane?  I'm glad you asked, even if you really didn't, but I pretended that you did, in which case, I'll entertain the voices in my head.  Shhhh, it'll be ok.

Quite often, folks who aren't familiar with the "Hurricane way of life" will ask "are you going to evacuate?"  This has to be one of the funniest jokes ever. I wonder if anyone really believes it's possible to do that in this area?  We can't move traffic on our roads on ANY normal day, so what do you think will happen when they smile and say "now, calmly pack everything you own and evacuate to avoid absolute destruction." ?  Take my professional advice: stay home and seek entertainment.

Batteries? Water? Flashlights?  Canned foods?  Propane tanks?

Not really.  Those are ok if you intend on "surviving", but if you want to truly "enjoy" your rare hurricane experience, you need to modify your list just a little:

• Propane - for cooking dead things on your cheap, rusty grill
• Beer - LOTS and LOTS of beer
• Chain Saw - for cutting down fallen trees, fighting off zombies, and attacking your neighbors when you run out of supplies and they begin taunting you
• Canned Food - ignore the fat content, focus on the protein and carbs
• Exedrin - for the hangovers you get from washing down your grilled pork and squirrel meat with cases of warm beer
• Baseball Bat - to fend off roaming gangs of pillagers, and tenderizing small furry animals for grilling
• Gasoline Can - for the chain saw and lighting shit on fire when you get bored after five days without power
• A Gun - for whatever.  after a case of beer you'll find creative things to do with it.  For example, shooting at your half-empty propane tank on your driveway
• A Smartphone - to surf the Internet while you wait for power to come back on.  Don't forget to buy one of those cigarette lighter power adapters to keep it charged from your car or truck (every self-respecting man has a truck anyway)
• A Bullhorn - this is probably THE single most important item to have on hand.  After your second case of beer is consume, you'll understand completely

Enjoy!  And stay safe!

“Scoop the Poop” isn’t about Dog Shit. It’s Bullshit

I was walking my Beagle on the beach last weekend and for whatever reason (ok, I know the reason, but let’s just move along) she had to stop and drop a load in the sand.  This is on the “North Beach” area, which is one of the THE most sparse places on the shore of Virginia Beach.  I can typically count every human in sight on one hand.  My dog finishes, I scooped a hole, nudged it in and buried it.  Within seconds, some middle-aged white guy runs up and smiles and says “you should pick that up, you know.”  Problem is I didn’t have a baggie, nor any gloves, nor a shovel, nor a God damned care in the F***ing world to go with it.

I said “whatever.” and started to walk on in the direction I was already going.  He started walking beside me, continues trying to make his point and save the planet Earth for all living creatures.

“If you leave that, some child will dig into it.”

I said “with the daily tides, it will be long dissolved and gone by morning.”

“Well, it creates an E-Coli problem for the beach water.”

I said “really?!  ONE DOG can do ALL THAT?”

“Well, if everyone felt that way, then…”

“Then what? You’re saying I can control or influence what every other dog owner does on this beach?!  Really?!  And by the way:  It takes quite a bit more ‘fecal matter’ to create enough E Coli quantity in parts-per-million before beach swimmers would have to worry.”

“It’s just bad for the environment” (with an obnoxious shrug and smile)

“So are you.”

Which brings me to this quasi-scientifc hypothesis:

Assuming that the quantity of “wildlife”, particularly fur-covered mammals, was higher in the years prior to mankind arriving, how did the environment ever survive their massive quantities of fecal matter?  If the conditions have changed such that the non-human mammal count has been DRASTICALLY reduced from 1500 to 2010, and the human population has increased from 4 or 5 to 437,000, well, gee, I wonder what factor has led to environmental impact?  Hmmmm… Finger’s tapping, staring up to the left or right.

Now, let me say that I don’t think anyone wants dog poop laying around on sidewalks and streets.  But on “nature trails” and secluded beaches I say: Dogs! Drop your loads!

Oh, and by the way, all along this particular area of beach are wild foxes living in the dunes.  Who picks up their droppings?  How much damage are they creating for the environment?  This whole thing reminds of a South Park episode.   Sometimes I wish a pack of dogs would dig a big hole and bury these idiot dumbasses and save our mental environment.

True Crime: Cheating Mother Nature

If you ask most people "on the street" what they consider to be the "ultimate crime", you can probably guess what they would say in response:

• Murder
• Rape
• Arson
• Robbery
• etc.

I disagree.  The most serious, and damaging crime is to subvert Mother Nature.

Before you knee-jerk: Hear me out, please...

I'm sure your first thought was about the big oil spill mess, or saving the rain forests, or recycling, or air and water pollution, etc.  Nope.  Not even close.

The biggest crime, the ultimate crime, is thwarting Nature's proven organic process of weeding out the STUPID.  Yes.  The STUPID.  Nature normally takes care of eliminating the stupid.  It keeps the population of stupid in check.

Modern mankind not only saves the stupid, we protect and even embolden the stupid.  We often praise them.  Let's compare how Nature handles the Stupid, versus how modern (e.g. "Western") civilization handles them...

Fails the First Grade aptitude test

Nature: Let's them fail, walk into oncoming traffic and be killed or eaten by hungry animals

Sociey: Either gives them a free pass, or allows for unlimited re-takes until they pass

Pours hot coffee in their own lap

Nature: Leaves a scar and educates idiot not to be careless with hot coffee

Society: Let's the idiot sue the person serving the coffee, the coffee company, and the company making the coffee cups

Crashes a private airplane while flying intoxicated

Nature: Let's weeds grow over the rusted wreckage and feeds the stray animals and birds

Society: Allows pilot's family to sue aircraft maker, flight controllers, suppliers of parts to build aircraft, liquor company and the property owner (for putting the ground in way of the falling aircraft)

Sprays can of deoderant into their own eyes

Nature: Happily accepts another blind person to join the growing flock of food for wandering hungry animals.

Society: Allows person to sue deoderant manufacturer and requires labels on all spray cans to warn of spraying into eyes.

Follows incorrect GPS directions to a missing bridge or into oncoming traffic

Nature: Adds another idiot to the fertilizer club.

Society: Allows person to sue GPS maker, map content supplier, bridge owner and person driving oncoming car.  Person uses money to buy a mansion, a Ferrari, and starts a reality TV show on MTV.

Homeowner shoots unwanted intruder after they break in through window at night

Nature: Provides a handy target for shooting practice and fertilizer for homeowner's backyard garden

Society: Sues homeowner, takes house and gun and pays restitution to intruder for remaining years of life

Girl is upset by being sent home for wearing a thong and high-heels to her 3rd grade class

Nature: Eliminates them with AIDS or excessive repeat pregnancies.

Society: Creates a special classroom for these kids and forces all others to learn to appreciate yet more cultural diversity.

Boy expelled from school for bringing weapons

Nature: Accepts another ditch-digger.

Society: Sends him to sensitivity class for a week and then returns him to school.  Later on, boy writes book and after describing it to Oprah, ends up on the NYT best seller list and he retires young and wealthy.

More examples?

Swallow too many pills and become a vegatable?  Sue the pill maker

Drop a hammer on your foot?  Sue the hammer maker

Doctor says you need to lose weight?  Sue the doctor for defamation of character and psychological trauma

Seat too small on airplane?  Sue for weight discrimination

Eat a can of dog food and get sick?  Sue the dog food maker for failing to put bigger labels on the can.

Person can't spell, or pronounce words properly, wears underwear in public and drinks Malt Liquor for breakfast?  Give them a reality TV show.

Death Match: Haiti vs Chili

Ok, I know I’m going upset some people, but that’s ok.  They need upsetting.

I’m curious if we’re going to see a barrage of commercials with Brad Pitt, Jake Gyllenhall, Meryl Streep, or Julia Roberts asking for us to hurry up and donate to save Chili?

Are we going to see a new “We are the World” video with everyone who ever knocked on MTV’s door, singing about Chili?

This is a slippery slope.  Once you pull out all the stops for one tragedy, you have to be prepared for the next, and possible BIGGER tragedy ahead.  If you beg and plead and milk every tear for one, what do you do for the next?  How do you top that?  How does anyone (whoever that is?) compare or rationalize when an all-star video or donation plea commercial is called for?

Does Chili matter as much as Haiti?

Score Card: Effectiveness of World Donations

Did we cure homelessness in America with the “Hands Across America” effort?

Did we cure AIDS and HIV with all the concerts and telethons?

Is world hunger fixed from all the concerts and TV commercials?

Is the starvation problem in Africa all gone since we emptied our pockets for “Feed the World” and all the other concerts?

Is there really less suffering, starvation, disease, war and anguish in our world today as a result of any of our concerts, telethons and distant donations?

We keep shelling out money to every catastrophe that makes the news, yet after the media frenzy subsides, it goes back to status quo.  Hunger in Africa has not improved at all.  Not in Bangladesh either.  There’s as many homeless in America as ever, maybe more (the census might help shed some clarity on that soon, who knows).  AIDS didn’t get dented by world donations.  It got dented by big pharma doing research into cocktails that seem to be having at least a marginal impact (that’s spelled: p-r-o-f-i-t  by the way).

Now it’s Haiti.  Let’s see.  Haiti.  The country that was bitch-slapped into oblivion by the U.S. in the early 20th century, and then even moreso by French colonial rule.  Then when Baby Doc whats-his-name took over, and started chopping people up with machetes, the aristocracy (or what was left of them) and the wealthy and educated, were hastily evacuated.  That left behind a broken country with a bankrupted and horribly corrupted government, uneducated working class, but without any industry for which to work.  So then they stand around and find something else to do.  This never turns out well of course.

In comes the Earthquake, and then the world pity and influx of “aid” and money.  After the rubble is cleared, the bodies buried, and the land cleaned up, what then? 

Everyone forgets to ask why there was a U.N. presence in Haiti.  Ever wonder about that?  It’s because it had turned into a horrific cesspool of depravity and despair.  Two “d” words that never make people feel good.

Let’s cut to the chase - What will happen is this: The mess from the Earthquake will be cleared out and cleaned up.  Soon after it will become apparent that there is no positive, hopeful “end game” to be had.  Strategists will look for a graceful exit and by that time a bigger news story will unfold which will distract us all enough to not notice (or care) that the “aid” is being removed and the situation will return to the horrific mess it was before.

Meanwhile, we all feel better, content, even elated, that we “made a difference” by texting our $10 to whatever to fund the “relief effort” in some abstract way.  We gave the bleeding person a bandaid and left them beside the road, facing a pack of hungry lions.  Sounds harsh, but let’s be honest: that’s what it is.

It’s handing them a fish but not bothering to teach them how to fish.  But to be fair, it’s not really our fault.  It’s on the shoulders of France really.  France should get off their fucking asses and take the lead on this effort.  I’m not saying they should do it alone.  But they should be taking the lead.  Visibly.  Meaningfully.  But they’re not. Because ultimately: France doesn’t give a fucking shit about Haiti or Haitians.  They know everyone else will rush to their phones to text $10 and forget that France was ever implicated in the downfall and desolution of Haiti.

Sound familiar?

It should.  It’s from the same international government aid playbook that’s been in use for over 100 years.

A Flaw with Mother Nature

I thought Nature was fault-proof.  What often seems like a mistake usually turns out to have a rational explanation that justifies it.  But I found one glaring mistake:

Ever notice how animals (mammals in particular) in cold climates often have white covering?  White fur.  White feathers (ok, fowl, not mammal, but indulge me for a moment please?) and so on.  But their shit isn’t white.  A-ha!!  A major goof.  All this camoflage and stealth and yet they drop a glaring brown turd on top of the pristine white snow blanket?  Say what?!  If Nature was foolproof, their turds would be white also.  And I’m talking about white turds from the moment of the “big pinch” not just after they freeze.  I’m lodging a complaint.

The Law of Wasted Effort

There’s an unwritten, yet firmly enforced law of nature and humanity that I like to call the law of “wasted effort”.  It goes like this:

Actions shall be undertaken until such time as it becomes obvious that said actions are not providing the intended result.

Nature lives by this every second of every hour of every day.  Humans generally follow this too.  You’ll call your dog only so long before giving up. You’ll wait on the phone only so long.  You get the picture.  So, what’s the big deal?  I’m glad you asked.

There’s one organism that not only ignores this law, but willfully and intentionally violates it on a daily basis.  This organism is called: government.

The government organism will continue dumping money and labor into useless, aimless projects until the money either runs dry or attention is brought to bear on the absurdity.  Running out of funding is not a garanteed termination either.  Money is typically syphoned from other sources, usually those more critical than the one being wasted on, in order to keep it going.  The attention part is usually what kills these evil rejects of natural selection.  However, it almost always ends up with those who are really to blame getting away with blaming it on others, who take the fall and punishment.  Let’s try to enforce the law, shall we?

Because I Said So, That’s Why!

Nothing says “I love you” as much as spoonfeeding shit in mass quantities to those around you.  I’ve done this rant many times before, to people that know me this is a regurgitation, but with a twist of lime this time around.

“Dolphin Safe”

Most kids under 30 don’t really know what this term infers.  To those of us over 30 (or 40) it’s an obvious reference to the Tuna industry and their fight to win public acceptance of their eco-friendly methods of mass-collecting and killing natures tastiest creatures (no, not the pizza-fish, the Tuna).

Documentaries went crazy with stories of enormous, wide-cast nets, dragged for miles over the open sea, catching Tuna, but also catching Dolphin, Tortoises, and almost anything else swimming in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The public supposedly became “insensed” at this disregard for nature, although I’ve never seen Americans get upset at anything since the great corporate brainwashing project ended the 60’s free love movement.  The only thing we get upset about now is cancelling our favorite TV shows.

So the canners got together in the bar next to the golf course and concocted this idea of stamping all the cans as “Dolphin Safe” and saying they were using “newer technology” to spare the dolphins and tortoises and only catch those tasty, benign, nutritional Tuna.  Sure.  Magic nets somehow can tell a Tuna from a Dolphin, regardless of those two overlapping significantly in the realm of physical dimensions.  Ever been out to sea on a Tuna boat?  Ever watched them reel the “catch” in?  (I love that term “catch” when we’re talking about nets that can reel in an entire stadium)

But “they” say it’s “Dolphin Safe”, so it must be!  Right?

The axiom here?  If you spoonfeed enough shit, for a long-enough time span, the masses will not only accept it as normal, but will eventually relish it, and even worship it.

We are still being spoonfed shit, but the media production is far more savvy and convincing.  That “long-enough” caveate is now almost 24 hours.  The “enough” (quantity reference) is now roughly about 3 major networks.  So, using this new media capability with the old axiom, we get an equation as follows:

3n * 24h = MA

This translates into 3 (major) networks, spoon-feeding 24 hours of shit to the public, results in Mass Acceptance as fact and norm.  It’s a perfect formula.  It works for WMDs, invasion plans, bank bail-outs, flu pandemics, vaccine distribution, multi-national treaties, corruption scandals, and so on.  Everyone has an agenda if they (a) have a communication channel, and (b) a budget.  The budget is what ties them to an agenda.  Parent companies, contracts, partnerships, PAC’s, you name it.  There is no such thing as “no strings attached”.  Even those Dolphins know that.  But they’re safe, right?  After all: It says so right on the can.

America, the Beautiful. God Shed his Waste on Thee

I’m really surprised nobody feels as strongly about this as I do.  Really.  Every day on my commute to and from work, driving around town, and so on, I see people toss trash from their car.  Wrappers.  Bottles.  Cigarette butts.  Cups.  You name it.

If I was president/prime-minister/king/emperor for a day, the first law I would pass would be immediate death penalty for anyone harming or exploiting a child.  The second law I would pass is a $1,000 fine and 7 days in jail for littering, that would be “per discarded object” not per incident, by the way.  The third law, by the way, would be public lashing for anyone on food stamps who also smokes, but that’s for another article.

What’s most ironic is the large percentage of offending motorists who also take the time to affix a bumper sticker on their vehicle proclaiming how proud they are to be “American”.  So proud, in fact, that they can barely hold back their desire to express their pride by expelling shit from their vehicles any chance they get.  Even more ironic is how many folks hang a flag from their rear-view mirror for whatever country their ancestry hails from.  If it is so great, why did your ancestors make the trip over here?  Face it, your origins suck.

Here’s a shocker for you:  Cigarette butts take months to decompose in open weather and sunlight.  Months.  Maybe the spattering of them behind your workplace smoking area hasn’t registered in your brain yet, but you might have noticed that if you don’t pick them up, they tend to stick around almost a year (or longer in many cases).  They are not classified as “bio-degradable” folks.  They never have been.

Beer and soda cans.  Plastic bottles.  Fast food containers and plastic wrappers.  Styrofoam cups and plastic lids.  Empty cigarette boxes and packs.  These all will outlive you and I.  Not to mention how ugly they look laying around everywhere.  They blow in the wind and end up in parks, rivers, lakes, and our front yards.

If you even remotely “like” this piece of land we stole from the Indians, then you should pay it homage by putting your trash in something appropriate.  Don’t toss it indiscriminately.  From all of us, and your children’s children: Thank you!

10 Unexpectedly Cool Places I Remember Well

1. Sam Ash Music Center in Manhattan NYC

If you love playing music as much as me, or just love music history memorabilia, this is it.

2. Parasailing off the shore of Virginia Beach, Virginia

If you live here, you should do it at least once.  If you’re visiting, do it anyway.

3. The Smithsonian Institute Museum of ____ (just pick one)

Need I really say more?

4. Monk’s Cafe in Philadelphia

One of the best dining and beer experiences I’ve ever enjoyed.

5. Maymont Park in Richmond, Virginia

A fantastic park in the heart of Richmond near the James River.

6. Fall River Pass, Colorado

Thin air, clear view, excellent drive.

7. Saugatuck Dune Ride, near Saugatuck, Michigan

The dunes are amazing.  The dune buggy ride will blow your mind.  Saugatuck is like a mix of a college town, an entrepreneur haven and a relaxed summer home town all wrapped in one.

8. Prospect Hill Bed & Breakfast, near Charlottesville, Virginia

My wife and honeymooned there in 1988.  The place is amazing.  Worth every penny.

9. MacKay Island NWR, North Carolina

40 minutes drive from my house and I can’t get there enough.  Peace and quiet.  Nature left alone.  Fishing, flat-land hiking, kayaking or just bird watching.

10. The top floor of ____

The World Trade Center towers in NYC (RIP)

The Empire State Building, NYC

The Chrysler Building, NYC

The (former) Sears Tower, Chicago

The Statue of Liberty, NYC

The Washington Monument, DC

Follow-Up Comments on our MacKay Island Trip

I forgot to mention a few things about our trip last Saturday:

• The water levels were the highest I've ever seen them.  That was both inside and outside the lock system.  Even in the interior flood plane was filled in.  The canal along the main entrance road was up to the edge of the gravel roadway also.
• The large open field to the North of Knapp's old house location, which was the site of his 9-hole golf course, was recently mowed to a 6-inch height.  I have never seen that section of the island mowed before.  Not sure why that is.
• The main trail from the parking area near the fishing area, back to the split at the mid-point trail has been built up with multiple layers of dirt and gravel.  It is now about 3 or 4 feet higher than it was.  At the mid-point trail it drops back to the level it was, which is only a foot above the mean water level in the surrounding creeks.
• There are cylindrical crab cages in the creeks all around the island's outer waterways.  One of them had an animal trapped inside and was moving quite a bit, but we couldn't see the animal itself.  No idea why they have those positioned everywhere.  I would estimate somewhere between eight and ten overall.

Return to MacKay Island N.W.R.

It's been two years since the last time I hiked the entire perimeter of MacKay Island N.W.R. So today I drove down with my two oldest daughters, Rachel and Sarah, to hike it again. Rachel had never been there. Sarah was with me the last time I went, so both were eager to get out and see the land and the inhabitants.

To view more photos: Click Here

Information about MacKay Island NWR: Click Here

Status of Living Things: Vegetation near the main entrance is still waiting to spring back to life, however, from the first stop-gate on the vegetation is bright green and teeming with life. Turtles were in high abundance along the main driving trail. Mostly adults or half-grown. No babies. We counted at least thirty along a 100 yard distance, sitting on branches or logs in the water. The only insects we saw today were butterflies, a few "ground bugs", and a slight population of gnats and mosquitoes. The dear fly abundance was pretty low. Almost absent. Birds we saw were Bald Eagles (we counted six), a few Egrets, a bunch of white Cranes, two Grey Heron, plenty of red-wing blackbirds, and one very angry Osprey guarding her nest (which we accidentally turned a corner and happened upon). She screeched and swooped a few times but we moved on quickly. Unlike warmer months, there were absolutely NO snakes, spiders, lizards or centipedes.

For the first time ever, we saw a full-grown deer, eating out in the wet marsh. This was along the North trail, just East of the mid-point trail, off to the North. It was maybe 300 yards out but clearly visible. No way we could approach it, or it us. Too much water in between

The Eagles were full-grown and all were in flight. None were perched or near their nests. They were all in a general area swarming in circles near the forest, which covers the middle section of the Reserve.

MacKay Island is part of Knott's Island, which is just at the edge of the North Carolina border with Virginia to the East.  From my house in Virginia Beach, it's about a 40 minute drive.  We hiked the outer of both the "MacKay Island Trail" and the "Live Oak Point Trail", which we call the "outer loop trail" which is roughly nine (9) miles in all, sort of.  We meander off the trail while at the point where Knapp's house was, so we add some distance to the trip.

The girls and I made the full perimeter in good time. Only stopping to take pictures in a few spots, and moving on. Thankfully I packed enough crap in my backpack to cover us the whole time and in the 90 degree heat. There was a good breeze around the North trail and the tip of the island (where Joseph Knapp's house once stood). The trip back along the South trail was a dead heat with no breeze and where we encountered the most gnats. All told, we had a great time and my girls thanked me for making the trip.

Frozen Lake Photos

It was in the teens (degrees Fahrenheit) last night. At 11:00 A.M. this morning it was 22 degrees. I walked over to the lake near my house to snap some photos of the ice wonders. I will upload more later today if I can. I hope you enjoy!

http://picasaweb.google.com/ds0934/FrozenLake#

Evolution: The Unanswered Question

Don't freak out and think I'm going to start arguing in support of creationist versus evolution crap.  Actually, what I personally believe is a mix.  I think something of ethereal powers lit the match that sparked the fire of life but that they intended for it to evolve after that.  There.  I've either confused two opposing groups or pissed them both off at the same time.  Job well done.

What really urks the crap out of me however is that every single TV show I've seen on "nature", the narrator eventually says something like the following:  "The spiney toad of Argentina evolved to grow special ridges along its back as a defense mechanism".

Oh yeah?  How exactly do you intentional "evolve" to grow anything?!   I need a third arm.  I'll just evolve one.  Bullshit!  They always toss that out there and walk on to the next sentence as if there weren't any possible questions raised about the previous sentence.   Every time I hear the narrator describe how some deep sea creature "evolved" a light-emitting tentacle to see in the darkness, I want to reach through the screen and smack him.