Black Friday Retarded Retail Report (Front Lines Edition)

(insert some really kick-ass dramatic theme music right now...)

(drink some strong, but cold and stale coffee...)

(inhale as deeply and quickly as you possibly can...)

The employer's name has been withheld to protect the insanity (and my seasonal job).  All I can say is that it's a well-known, international, electronics and home convenience store with a location in a mall somewhere in the city of Virginia Beach, Virginia, which is located in the picturesque and sometimes-expensive United States of America.  Any specific or explicit references, links, innuendos or mumblings are purely coincidental and should not, will not, and do not, constitute implication or identification, nor indemnification, of any specific retail business, by name or otherwise.

Batteries not included.

It was a blood bath. Okay, not quite, but it almost kind of sort of felt like it.  Giggling teenagers, sporting hickeys on their exposed necks, colorful tattoos and piercings, and playfully romping around uncontrolled in the midst of cautious and elderly shoppers.  It was horrific.  People might have been scared, or something.

To summarize:

• Screaming, slobbering babies.  Everywhere.
• Drunken customers
• Obnoxious customers
• Customers, customers galore...
• Horny customers (usually in pairs)
• Handicapped customers
• Customers lost asleep in the store.

Dr. Seuss was a prophet among men (or small children, at least).

• Customers testing out the cosmetic mirrors by squeezing their pimples
• Customers having a snowball fight in the store, with sand
• A customer who asked if the warranty covered the item being stolen
• Another customer asking why they couldn't get the Black Friday discount on a Sunday
• Customers asking if the "Fits iPad 2 and 3 only" folding cases would fit their Nexus 7 tablet
• A customer who got visibly upset when I informed him that the indoor/outdoor digital thermometer kit will show the same temperature for both environments, if they ignore the notice on the box that says the remote sensor needs to be positioned OUTSIDE or at least on the glass surface of an outer window.  He really had trouble grasping that whole "remote" thing.
• A five year-old girl wandering around the store swinging one of these around like a toy, and singing to it, while her "mother" remained oblivious to it all.

And my personal favorite: The employer who decided, midday on Friday (actually, around 3:30 PM) to block all employee purchases until Saturday.  Not that the usual policy of employee's getting a 30% discount was enough, nor the additional Black Friday BOGO (actually, BOGOHO) terms were too generous, but that they BLOCKED all employee purchases.  That's a fantastic morale booster.

That was Job "number 3" for me actually.  As I'm working (literally) three jobs until January, when I (hopefully) will cut back to just two.  Job "number 2", is at a local grocery store, which is part of yet another international corporate chain (see the common pattern here?).  

This one however, was really a "Green Wednesday" experience, which is the name I made up for the night before Thanksgiving, when people freak out that they won't have enough food to get even fatter than what they already have in the cabinets to get fat on.  American's are the most in-shape people on the planet, after all.

• A box of (thank God) unused Tampons left in the Pizza freezer
• A used, but (thankfully) tightly-sealed baby diaper, left behind a stack of rice bags on a shelf
• I invented a Turkito (a burrito made from leftover Turkey meat, stuffing, green bean caserole and some stale corn burrito wraps, in a microwave oven).  Rachel Ray: eat your ___ out.
• I fed my dog so much leftovers she puked it up, and I got watch the other dog eat the puke.  Then the cat ate what dog number 2 puked up.  In the end, nothing was wasted.  So, suck on that Al Queada.
• I discovered I have a passion for cheap Argentinian Malbec wines.
• I discovered that some medications work even better with Malbec wines.
• I discovered that some medications and cheap Malbec wines work on the toilet even better the next morning.
• I discovered that no matter how much I can crack myself up I'm still not getting paid for it.
• I discovered that I need to actually play the lottery in order to improve my chances of winning it.

Anyhow, that's all for now.  Back to you, Bob!

My Interview with some Extreme Visionaries

This month I sit down with two diametrically opposed people to pick their minds, or what's left of them anyway. The two this time are "Bill" and "Bob".  Bill is a self-described Tea Party proponent.  Bob is a self-described liberal Democrat.  Sharp objects were hidden away and suitable protective staff members were present to suppress any potential emotional outbreaks.  Let's get started!

Dave: "Welcome.  Thank you both for taking the time to sit down and share your views and have a little discussion with me today."

Both: "Thank you!"

Dave: "To start with, I need to give a shout-out to our sponsor for this event: Peppy's brand Caffeinated Laxative pills.  When you need to go, and you need to go right now!  It's Peppy's or nothing."

Dave: "So Bill.  Let me start with you.  What do you see as your ideal government of the future?"

Bill: "As little as possible.  Maybe even none at all."

Dave: "None?"

Bill: "Yep.  Private business and constituents can do things just fine themselves.  It's all about self-empowerment and getting big government off our backs.  Let small business thrive and get families back to home-schooling and growing their own crops.  Fundamentals."

Dave: "What about essential services like FAA flight control, border control, Customs inspections, safety recalls, food and medical testing, and defense?"

Bill: "We don't see those as 'essential', Dave.  That's over-hyped. We should let the private sector handle those responsibilities. They know them better than government ever will."

Dave: "Home schooling?  For everyone?"

Bill: "Everyone.  Cut taxes and get kids back in their homes learning in their own family environment."

Dave: "Everyone?"

Bill: "Everyone."

Dave: "Single-parent families too?  Who will bring home the income?"

Bill: "Everyone.  We can work on single-parent families.  We need to provide additional tax breaks to heterosexual married couples to provide incentive to stay married."

Dave: "They'll stay married longer if they get a tax break?"

Bill: "Absolutely."

Dave: "Have you ever been to PeopleOfWalmart.com?"

Bill: "What are you trying to say?"

Dave: "Have you?"

Bill: "Yes.  Disgusting filth."

Dave: "You believe those same people are qualified to teach their own children to become productive citizens and compete in the global marketplace of the future?"

Bill: "Why not?"

Dave: (eyebrows raised, stunned)

Dave: "Do you live near a Sam's Club or Costco?"

Bill: "I sure do. Costco."

Dave: "Do you shop there often?"

Bill: "All the time. Either my wife or I shop there every week."

Dave: "Why don't you shop at locally-owned businesses instead?"

Bill: "Are you kidding?!  I save a ton at Costco, and they have a huge selection of things to choose from."

Dave: "And why is that?"

Bill: "They have lower prices."

Dave: "I mean, why do they have lower prices?"

Bill: "Because they buy in bulk."

Dave: "Over the course of a given month, would you say you spend more of your money at Costco than at small locally-owned businesses?"

Bill: "I wouldn't say that."

Dave: "Well, what would you say?"

Bill: "Ok, I probably spend half my money, maybe a little more, at Costco."

Dave: "So, by a 'voting with your dollars' perspective, you put as much support behind 'big business' (air quotes) as you do small business?"

Bill: (blank stare)

Dave: "You are aware that over ninety percent of the items sold at Costco are made overseas?"

Bill: "Says who?"

Dave: "Says their own inventory reports.  You can stroll down the aisles and verify this yourself."

Bill: "I have staff that takes care of that sort of thing for me."

Dave: "But I thought you were in favor of small government.  Why not do that yourself?"

Bill: "I don't think I like your tone."

Dave: "So, big or small business?"

Bill: "We need to protect small business while also protecting big business.  It's all about jobs and employment after all."

Dave: "So, when big business threatens to overtake small business, such as when a Sam's Club or Walmart moves into a rural area and the local businesses cannot compete, what then?  Who do you support?"

Bill: "We need to protect small business while also protecting big business.  It's all about jobs and employment after all."

Dave: "Didn't you just say that?"

Bill: "Pardon?"

Dave: "Are there any government services you see as being necessary? Any that you would keep?"

Bill: "Maybe the CDC.  Everything else would be eliminated or cut to less than half what they are now."

Dave: "How would you propose we provide support to our trading partners around the world?"

Bill: "We need to focus on America first.  The rest of the world will have to wait.  If that means we pull out our military forces from all foreign places, then so be it."

Dave: "Even if that results in layoffs and cutbacks at American factories due to reduced sales and shipments?"

Bill: "Yep. We must feel some pain to truly heal."

Dave: (shaking head with raised eyebrows)

Bill: "See, Dave, there's also no credible evidence to support that government has really improved safety or security over what private business could do.  Whether that's food safety, product safety, environment and ecology, research or military defense, it can all be outsourced to private businesses and done better."

Dave: "What small businesses can provide military security around the world?"

Bill: "We put it up for bid and allow the markets to compete.  We could have twenty or thirty thriving small businesses providing ground, sea and air defenses, and the taxpayer would win."

Dave: (blank stare)

Dave: "How would you fund the CDC without taxes?"

Bill: "They would be required to sell services or products to fund themselves."

Dave: (inhales deep, exhales slowly, while staring wide-eyed at the floor)

Dave: "Gay marriage?"

Bill: "Against it.  They should be jailed and rehabilitated for their illness."

Dave: "Gun control?"

Bill: "None.  Allow anyone to buy any gun they so choose."

Dave: "Safety inspections and recalls?"

Bill: "Let businesses take care of that themselves.  We trust them."

Dave: "Defense?"

Bill: "Pull our forces out and bring them home.  No need to stick our noses in other people's business."

Dave: "Oil?"

Bill: "Drill at home.  Stop buying from OPEC.  Even if it costs way more to drill and produce domestically, it's the right thing to do.  Drill off of every shore, in every National and State Park.  Everywhere.  Oil comes first."

Dave: "Alternative energy?"

Bill: "Solar and wind are bogus.  Nuclear is messy.  Oil is best."

Dave: "I'm going to list some agencies and ask you to respond with either 'keep' or 'eliminate'..."

Dave: "CIA and FBI"

Bill: "Eliminate"

Dave: "FDA"

Bill: "Eliminate!"

Dave: "FAA"

Bill: "Ditto!"

Dave: "DOJ"

Bill: "Like we need more lawyers?  Eliminate."

Dave: "DoD?"

Bill: "Cut waaaaaaaay back."

Dave: "NASA"

Bill: "Eliminate"

Dave: "HUD"

Bill: "Eliminate"

Dave: "How should we compete against China in the future, especially with respect to their signifcant ownership in U.S. T-bills and their tightly-integrated relationships with U.S.-based corporate operations?"

Bill: "Cut off trade with China immediately!"

Dave: "What if that causes U.S. businesses to fold and lay off workers?"

Bill: "It won't.  We have faith."

Dave: "How do you see the effectiveness of the recent Health Care Reform legislation?"

Bill: "It's totally unnecessary.  We don't need to fix anything.  It's working fine. Prescriptions are affordable.  Co-pays are affordable.  Services are the best in the world.  Paper forms have worked fine for decades. There's nothing whatsoever wrong with our current health care system.  Leave it alone.  Let the market determine what needs to be done."

Dave: "Finally, what do you believe the responsibility of the GOP or Tea Party movement is now?"

Bill: "To remind Americans that we are right and they (points to Bob) are wrong!  They are destroying our country while we are doing our best to save it."

---

Dave: "Ok then.  On to you, Bob.  How would you propose we shape the government of the future?"

Bob: "Government should be the ultimate service provider.  It should provide all that we need or want.  Private business can still thrive in a supporting role, but the actual decision making and execution should be government."

Dave: "How do you address the growing concerns about over-spending, waste and increased taxes?"

Bob: "We have to pay for this stuff somehow."

Dave: "And the over-spending part?"

Bob: "How would I address over-spending?  That's a good question.  I'm glad you asked that Dave.  You see, some people think we spend too much in this country, and that's a valid concern."

Dave: "You're not going to answer my question, are you."

Bob: "Could you repeat the question again?"

Dave: "Never mind. Gay marriage?"

Bob: "It should be protected and supported by the government.  We should teach kids in school that two daddies or two mommies is ok as well."

Dave:  "Gun control?"

Bob: "Guns are violent.  People don't kill people.  Guns kill people.  We should ban them."

Dave: (eye brows hurting from being in the "up" position for so long now…) "Safety inspections and recalls?"

Bob: "Increase them both.  Make it more difficult to get things through the inspection process so we slow down and do the right thing up front, not later on."

Dave: "Defense?"

Bob: "Do more with less.  More work, less people."

Dave: "Oil?"

Bob: "Stop buying from Canada, Mexico and OPEC."

Dave: "Alternative energy?"

Bob: "Electric from solar, wind and geo-thermal.  Build them in every state.  Wind turbine farms off of every coast, on every mountain top.  Solar panels on all buildings, across every open space we can find."

Dave: "Methane?"

Bob: "Sure."

Dave: "How do you see the effectiveness of the Health Care Reform legislation?  What does it really do for Americans?"

Bob: "It fixes everything.  It restores quality health care and our faith in the health care system."

Dave: "Some argue that it punishes insurance providers but doesn't put enough pressure on hospitals to control spending and cost increases - that the dramatic increase in the construction of new hospitals, new wings and facilities and renovations to existing facilities is coming at a cost to increased material and services charges to insurance companies and patient deductibles and co-pays. What do you say to that?"

Bob: "It fixes all that too."

Dave: "How should we compete against China in the future, especially with respect to their significant ownership in U.S. T-bills and their tightly-integrated relationships with U.S.-based corporate operations?"

Bob: "Learn Chinese."

Dave: "What do you believe the responsibility of the Democratic party is now?"

Bob: "To remind Americans that we are right and they (points at Bill) are wrong!  Dead wrong!  They are destroying our country.  We are doing our best to save it."

Conclusion

I think we are doomed.

[disclaimer: this is satire.  don't take me too serious, ok?]

The Wandering Reader

I promised this to almost a dozen people, so I have to do it.  I hope I haven't overhyped it already and that this won't be a let-down.  It's one hundred percent true and factual, so I have to be sure to tell it accurately; here goes…

So one night I brought two (of my four) kids to Barnes & Noble to spend some time letting their eyes and minds wander.  After a few minutes perusing the books in the Philosophy aisle, I heard a man's voice talking in the distance.  It had a strange tone and cadence.  The more I listened it seemed to sound like a preacher or a minister delivering a damning speech about retribution, consequences and all that.  The voice was getting closer.   I looked up and saw a homeless guy (you can tell homeless people by the clothes, the hair, the general demeanor, and most importantly: the aroma).

His hair was just past his shoulder blades in length and hadn't been combed (or washed) since probably 1982.  The clothes were older than that and looked like he just emerged from a cement truck tumbler.  Apocalyptic.  That's not the best part:

He would stroll, slowly, up and down each and every aisle of books, reach out and pick up a random book - without ever turning his eyes to see which book.  Then he would open it to a random page and read from it like a sermon.  One book per length of aisle.  As he passed customers and staff, he looked them in the eye as if administering a testament from a Bible.

The good?  It was entertaining as hell!  I had to walk behind him at the same pace, as if I were his clean-up crew, or body guard.  Just to witness this.

The bad? The books he read were put back on different shelves.  After an hour of this I'm sure the staff had a lot of re-stocking work to do.

In all, I followed him as he read from about ten books.

WalMart iPod Shopping Fail

So I took two of my four tax deductible offspring with me to hunt down an iPod for a Christmas gift.  I started by searching the WalMart web site, which shows they have 8, 16 and 32 GB iPod Touch models.  I’m looking for the 8 GB model only.  It says that in order to get a price quote, I need to plug in my ZIP code.  I did, and it shows (present tense, mind you) that both WalMart stores near me have them “In Stock” and at $181.00 ($185.00 with some bullshit blingy crappy accessory bullshit kit).

So we drive.

We get to the store on Lynnhaven Pkwy near Landstown (the big Wally World for us), only to find they only carry 32 GB models and they’re $295.00.  The empty rack for the 8 GB models is stamped $195.00.  Not $181.00.  When asking the clerk about this, he said they hadn’t carried the 8 or 16 GB models in at least a few weeks.  Strike 1.

So we drive.

We get to the store on Phoenix Road, which is a few miles NorthEast along Lynnhaven Pkwy near Lynnhaven Mall (handy, isn’t it?).  Same story.  Strike 2.  Only this time the clerks didn’t have time to help me since they were too busy explaining Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 to some 60 year old guy with his wife, who just stared at the box while the clerk yakked away on some caffeine drip, with some expression like they were wondering just what the fuck the clerk was even saying.  I doubt they had even ever seen an XBox 360, much less played one.  Strike 3

So we left.

Message for WalMart:  I know you don’t read blogs like this, you’re too busy counting your profits.  But if by some weird chance you do… Please consider fixing your broken-ass piece of shit web inventory system so that it not only shows what’s really “in stock” but maybe, possibly, shows the real price as well.  Ok, I’m kidding.  I know that’s how it’s supposed to work.  Bait and switch got me.  You guys are funny.

Where Can you Find Real Americans? At WalMart of Course

http://www.PeopleOfWalMart.com

The Other Trickle-Down Economic Theory

There’s been some press lately about shopping centers cracking down on teens hanging around without buying anything or doing anyting constructive to their efforts to produce a profit.

People tend to forget, it seems, that “business” entities exist for one sole purpose: making profit.  Anything else is superfluous to that goal and often clouds the true purpose in the minds of consumers and lazy-ass dipshit do-nothings that love to bitch and moan about nothing all the time.  It’s a profession, after all, for those folks.

So, shopping centers want to get the vagrant teens off their property, or at the very least impose constraints on their activities (or lack thereof).  Why?

Shoppers base their choice of shopping locations on emotion and rationalization.  Mostly emotion.  Sure, a “good deal” and a “good price” are important, but let’s face facts here: we pick places to shop that look safe and look like they’re “well kept”.  This is probably due to our rationalization, as false as that may be, that if they care enough about their own establishment, then surely they must care more for us consumers.  Maybe so.  Who knows.

But when teens appear in growing numbers, doing nothing more than “hanging around” or walking around in such a way as to cause concern in the minds of shoppers, the human response to any large number of menacing-looking people is to equate them with “gangs”.  But let’s back up to the “menacing” part.  If someone appears menacing, that’s enough.  We will seek surroundings that are less menacing if at all possible.  So we/they will shop elsewhere.  So, let’s boil this soup down farther…

• Thug-teens scare away shoppers
• Stores lose revenue (and therefore lose profit)
• Stores cutback, layoff or close.  If they have the resources, they may also relocate to a less menacing environment and try again.
• Mall owners lose renters, and they layoff or close
• City tax revenues drop from lower sales, rentals, utilities, and business taxes
• A vacated business property is a thorn in any community, it drives up the perception of vagrancy, despair, crime, etc.
• It becomes a deadly spiral

So, to avoid these pains (and again: loss of profit) the owners will push to mitigate anything that threatens their business.  That means running teens off the property or making them act like (oh my God?): shoppers.  After all, a SHOPPING center/mall is for SHOPPING, not for bumping into elderly folks while staring at them with a snear and grabbing our crotches.  It’s not for “hanging out”, we have parks and recreation centesr for that.  Shopping is where you [a] have money, [b] find something to spend it on, and [c] leave the premises.

I’ve seen my share of malls go under for just this reason.  They failed to stem the growth of roving gangs of kids bothering shoppers to the point where the shoppers quit coming to shop.  It’s basic economics.  Just like getting rid of unwanted pests in your house or garden.  Not that I’m suggesting we spray for this other problem as well, but now that you mention it, hmmm…

Virginia Beach: If I could only pick 5 projects

If I had the magic checkbook and could assign any 5 projects to be embarked upon without regard to cost…

1. A combination Light Rail and Bus system that not only follows the Norfolk-Southern abandoned rail (East-West parallel to I-264), but branches out to form a circuit that encompasses all of Virginia Beach.  Everyone should be within walking distance of mass transit without waiting hours between pick-ups.

2. Walk-over bridges around Town Center, at Rosemont, and at various points along the oceanfront.  Get people off the habit of walking in front of cars, which as you may know can be hazardous to the health of pedestrians.

3. Connect all the bike paths and add new paths.  Get the freaking idiot “I’m a car too, watch me” bicyclists off the road and onto their own pathways.  Make it possible to cross the city without risking your life along the way.

4. Beef up the parks.  Mount Trashmore should have a performance stage, more benches, wider paths (so joggers can get around slow-poke walkers, strollers, etc.), keep the carnival there all Summer long, expand the skate park, add path lights on the western perimeter, and so on.  Other parks should get similar treatment.

5. Replace Pembroke Mall.  Build a bigger, fancier, cooler, awesomer mall.  It should combine all the cool things of other malls around the country.

Bonus: Offer up better incentives to entice high-tech industry to move into the area.  Not talking about call centers.  I’m talking about manufacturing, software development, and R&D.  We let a lot of talented ex-military folks slip through our fingers.  We should give them a better reason to stick around than just the beach.

$57 for Two RJ-45 Connectors? Huh?

Stopped at a Radio Shack at a nearby mall and checked out their CAT5e cabling.  Two spools of 100 ft, unshielded.   Same brand.  One with RJ-45 connectors, the other without.  With connectors: $83.  Without connectors: $26.   WTF?  The pricier item isn't listed on their web site.  Go figure.

Busy Day, Early Exam, Shopping Malls, Food Courts. Y'all Come Back Now, You hear?

What a day. I had to get up early to get to the exam place in time to take a "beta" certification exam. It was really interesting. Since it was a "beta", I had to consent to an NDA, so I can't divulge any details, but I can say that it introduces the use of virtual machines for the simulations. Not the usual half-baked simulation utilities. It is very cool and much more realistic. The manner in which the tasks are presented works very well also. I think it's the future of certification exams. Anyhow, the exam was free (by invitation) and they don't provide a score, so I really don't know how well I performed. The benefit is free exam vouchers for "real" exams, so I couldn't pass up that opportunity.

Afterwards, we spent all day doing shopping stuff. My son and I split off from the girls to see Quantum of Solace. It's a good movie, but they need to expand the new Bond character a bit more. He's starting to get robotic. Sort of like Bourne, but with too much Red Bull and no sleep. Not to spoil it for anyone, but the stunts are pretty good. My only complaint was the scene where he goes after a boat by jumping over two boats and crashing on a third with a stolen motorcycle. The only jumping-the-shark moment I can recall.

After more window shopping and a very noisy food court experience, I'm finally home and enjoying peace and quiet. After months of working our way back from being laid off, it was the first time we'd gone shopping in many months. We did our part to bolster the sagging economy. I hope it returns the favor.