The Smell of Integrity is About All That is Left in America

Remember the history books that told those wonderous tales of how hard our grandparents worked to build railroads, highways, dams, national parks, monuments, and all that cool stuff that's now beginning to crumble?  Yeah.  That was a generation that put the place they lived in above their own personal whiny-assed complaints.  Those days are just about dead and gone.

During a recent discussion, the same thing came up, which elicits the same response from me each time.  It's almost Pavlovian in how it runs the same course like tossing fries out your car window and watching the birds lose their minds attacking the scraps.

It goes something like this:

Person A says, "There's a drought in the West and flooding in the East!"

Me: "We could solve that."

Person A: "How?"

Me:  "The same way your great grandparents would have done:  build a pipeline, putting people to work, fueling the upstream industrial systems like manufacturing, engineering, logistics, banking, food, housing, you name it."

Person A: "That's impossible."

Me:  "If it was oil it would have been done already."

We will send battalions of young men and women into hot, dry shitholes, to spill blood for the sake of oil, yet we dare not consider spilling a drop of sweat to save our own land from drought, crop destruction, fires, flooding, and all that it cascades into beyond that.  Americans are too preoccupied with what the Kardashians are wearing or screwing, and what team traded what contract slave to another team, and what band is putting out a new recording.  And we wonder why people in poor, war-torn places don't like us very much.

Everything now is done for the good of the banks, the corporations, the shareholders.  Fuck the people.  They're disposable commodities that feed the machinery that keeps the cash flowing between places like China, India, Guatemala and the great vacuum bag of consumption called the US of A.

It's like this:  I always try to think of how I would stand in front of my grandfather and explain some issue I'm having a lot of stress over.  Things like petty office politics, irritating people in traffic, annoying TV shows and the latest social network craze.  He would look at like Samuel L. Jackson looked at Brad in Pulp Fiction.  Without saying a word, I'd know he would want to smack the living sissy-ass pettiness off my face.  (He never raised a hand at anyone as far as I know.  But he had a way of making you feel like you deserved to smack yourself for being stupid).

Even our knee-jerk behavior is becoming predictable.  When the ACRA bill was release, and the "news" pundits started their chainsaw jaw-jacking spewage of bullshit editorialized reviews, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, bothered to read the bill itself.  It was (and still is) posted online.  After a week or two of suffering through rednecks arguing with vegans about how it would fix or destroy the American economy, I decided to go download the PDF from the source, and READ IT.  Yes, actually READ IT.  O-M-F-G.  How shocking that someone would bother to read something anymore unless it blabbers on about vampires, zombies or some other stupid worn-out crap.

Someone moaned about that saying "but, it's like 1900 pages or something!"

If that was the latest installment of a Harry Potter or Hunger Games series, people would have snapped it up like raw turkeys at the Florida Alligator Farm (a pretty neat demonstration, by the way).

Instead, most (99.9999%) of "Merkans" tuned into their favorite spoon-feeding, bullshit-manufacturing TV, web or radio outlet to have the ugly details chewed and spit into their brains like momma birds feeding their young.  Never mind that momma removed 90% of the facts and twisted the rest to suit their sponsor's agenda.  They got a Cliff Notes version of it and ran like leaving a gas station without paying.  Turn the key, and start blabbering the same misinformed BS that they just had connected to their brains on the way to work.  RTFM is dead.

Sorry for the sideline diatribe.  Back to the roll-up-yer-sleeves-and-do-some-work-beyoches discussion...

We could be putting our efforts into building the next generation of cross-country (heck, cross-continent) transportation, energy generation, resource allocation management, high-speed Internet connectivity, bridge and tunnel repair/upgrades, and whatever.  You know: Like our ancestors did FOR US.  We could be doing for our kids.  Yet we spend all our time putting some sports team flag or sticker on our shitty trucks and SUV's which are made from 90% foreign parts and consume foreign-supplied oil products, on our way to WalMart and CostCo to buy foreign-made crap, and some fattening food to keep our guts ever-expanding like a Hardees commercial.  I know I sound like an old man (confession, I am), but it's true.  We're now the lazy shitheads our parents hoped we'd never become.

Now it looks like China and the rest of the emerging economic powers will gradually buy us out from under our own noses.  Farms first, then transportation, then shipping terminals, and then all of it.  Sold to the highest bidder, because the shareholders can live anywhere and don't care which team has which players because they can simply buy and trade them around from their yacht.  Meanwhile, nobody notices because we're busy teaching our kids to claim "We're Number One!!!" in between TV shows.

Good luck China!  I hope you get your money's worth out us.

Daily pessimism delivery completed.  Enjoy!

5 Shocking Truths About Politics and Social Media

I hate politics. Despise is probably a more suitable word.  Anyone who wants to run for public office should not be trusted.  Ben Franklin was right.  Public servants should be drafted, kidnapped and dragged, kicking and screaming, to their office of duty.  But it seems the American public has become deluded with their own tiny subjective views of the world, mostly due to the crushing influence of mass media, social media, and things are unraveling at an increasing pace.  The new meme is something like "everyone has a voice, so everyone has meaning" which is bullshit.  When everyone talks at once, the terms is "noise". I should know, noise is what I usually make.

It took less than 24 hours for people to start arguing in public forums about gun laws and gun ownership following the shooting in Newtown, CT.  That might not be a record, but damn if I can recall a similar situation in recent memory where the secondary and tertiary debates kicked in, at full throttle, in such short time.  And the debates were not just in one or two places, but everywhere: Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, LinkedIn, TV news, cable news, news web sites, radio station call-ins, office kitchens, PTA meetings, even grocery store check-out lines.  Conversations could be heard everywhere, with the usual Red Bull-infused emotional urgency about government taking away guns-this, and government restricting ammo-that.  Forget about the kids and teachers being shot to death in their classrooms.  That's not important.  Step aside: we have more important matters to argue over.

(record-scratch sound goes here) - time to stop for a moment and recognize a few realizations:

1 - You Bitch a Lot, But Have you Really Done Anything?

Honestly.  Seriously.  No, I really mean it:  When was the last time you contacted your Congressman or Senator (or any public servant you voted into office)?  Was it in the last year?  Do you even know who your public servants are?  Is their phone number stored in your mobile phone?  You may continually open up and let loose with a double-barrel opinion blast on Facebook and Twitter, but does that really do anything?  This leads to...

2 - Your Congressman/Senator Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Facebook Rants

Do you really think posting your concerns, beliefs and values on Facebook is making a real difference?  Playing the same song for the same group of friends, over and over again.  Does it make any real changes to society as a whole?  Do you think your Congressman or Senator reads your Facebook posts?  Do you even believe they hire someone to do that for them?  But you have 400 "Likes" on your comment about how much you hate so-and-so.  Surely they must have read it by now, right?  Even though you "Like" your Congressman or Senator, do they really follow you back?  This leads to...

3 - You Probably Don't Really Know Your Congressman or Senator

Have you met them?  Have you spent a few hours with them?  Have you had dinner or lunch with them?  Seen a movie together?  Served in the military with them or worked aside them at a previous job?  Chances are high that EVERYTHING you think you "know" about that person is based on what you've seen or heard on TV or the radio.  Don't assume that just because your Senator has a really cool-looking photo-op with Wayne LaPierre, replete with cool guns in each hand, that he/she shares your general political views (let alone your priorities therein).

You probably feel confident that the "mass media" is biased and skews information to suit their agenda, but how do you know they're not also skewing the stuff you've been swallowing as "good" information?  Unless you spend as much time with your public officials as you do your neighbors, how can you assume you "know" them at all?

4 - In The Battle Between [you] and [FAT] Corporate Bank Accounts, Guess Who Wins?

Your Congressman or Senator is probably sitting with a corporate lobbyist right this very minute.  Imagine you're the Congressman and your secretary buzzes your phone to say,

"Mr. Congressman, John Doe from your district is on line 4.  He says it's important and wants to talk about gun control."

You say, "What's my calendar look like?"

She replies, "You have a meeting in fifteen minutes with the NRA rep about funding your campaign, and at 1:00 you have a meeting with the Walmart rep. about building a new distribution center in your district.".

You say, "Uhhh, which one of them has promised the most funding for my PAC?"

She replies, "God, you're such an asshole."

You almost choke on your Martini, but manage to reply with something like "...and that's why I'm a Senator and you're not.  Hee hee haw haw (cough-cough, snort)"

Guess who gets the "I'm sorry, but the Congressman is tied up today, can you call back sometime next year?" message.

This leads to...

5 - Your Federal Government Doesn't Work FOR You Anymore

To work FOR YOU means they would have to hire a lot more workers than they already have.  This is because they would have to form a division of people for each of the major segments of their constituency.  Right now, they're just barely staffed to satisfy the needs of big corporations and defense contractors.  Those are the sugar daddies that bankroll their campaign costs.  They have to work hard to take care of those folks, which occupies all their time of course.  In between, they might squeeze in some time for a photo-op at a local children's hospital, or a ribbon-cutting at a new pet shelter, then get some photos of them looking serious and working hard to use for their upcoming campaign.  They don't have time for you.  But they do appreciate that vote you cast for them.

So that's that.  I know I sound pessimistic, but really, that's my optimistic view of this whole charade.

Summarizing my Conclusions

Let's take a slightly more pragmatic view of what it might be like to be a professional politician...

You won the election and after you shower off the champagne and caviar debris, you clean up and pack your stuff, drive up to the state (or national) capital, move into your new residence, then move into your new office.  You spend days learning all the staff members, where the bathrooms are, the cafeteria, the nearest bars, the best parking, the supply rooms, the nearest gym, and what kind of wi-fi services are available.  Then you start getting the calls from the lobbyists, you know, the people you were elected to serve, and your contacts list begins to explode with names and numbers.

Then you start having meetings.  The first few months are nothing but meetings with committees, PAC groups, lobbyists, civic groups, various "special interest" groups, Union delegates, corporate representatives (slippery definition on "lobbyists" here), and so on.  You check the Inbox for mail, but all there is are junk items and lobbyist packets.  You check your e-mail Inbox and the same stuff is there also.

After six months, you've voted on a few bills and supported a few motions to promote a few others.  You've joined a few new committees and attended their meetings. You've voted on some proposals/propositions.  You go back and check your inboxes, but there's still nothing new.  You decide that must mean you're doing a good job.  Your constituents MUST be happy with what you're doing, or else they'd tell you.  Right?

After a year, your non-committee meeting schedule is filled with lobbyists (Walmart, Boeing, SAIC, IBM, Toyota, GM, Ford, HP, Cox Communications, Verizon, AT&T, Comcast, Pfizer, GSK, Colgate-Palmolive, Kellogg, Sears, Kroger, Food Lion, McDonald's, Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Astro-Zeneca, Target, Monsanto, ADM, Dominion Resources, Con-Edison, Phillip-Morris, Intel, Motorola, Mattel, 3M, Samsung, Sony, Nissan, Mitsubishi, Bosch, LG, Amazon, Facebook, Google, InstaGram, Twitter, FourSquare, blah blah blah blah blah), and all the local business leaders from "back home".  In between you manage to squeeze in a few minutes for your spouse and kids, some golf (maybe), a movie, a trip somewhere.  But you have to be back in time to show your face, and your newest suit, on Fox News, or CNN.

Then their "team" of "public relations" goons makes some phone calls with talking points, marketing tags, slogans, and whatnot to offer the Fox News, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, NBC, CBS, ABC and HLN folks.  They open up, relax their throat muscles, dislocate their jaws, and swallow every drop of that Kool Aid and go to work slathering it with sub-titles, splash announcements and a sprinkle of Computer Graphics.  A few hundred thousands dollars from the PAC fund helps get their "message" out in front of the other guy on five channels, but they couldn't match the bribe, oops, funding, that their opponent pitched to the other five channels.

They shovel a train-load of made-up statistics, false accusations, outright lies and meaningless, vague claims of "fixing" things and having a "plan" for this or that, and watch the polls until they get the key indicator figures to show their spewage has taken hold and the public is believing it.  In between makeup touch-up, you work with your strategists, who school you in the fine art of talking vague and making serious statements that really mean nothing at all.

It's a tough job, but someone has to do it (part-time, of course, and get paid for taking the rest of the time off).  You think it's easy working a job for two or four years, and having to be forced to accept a paycheck for the rest of your life, even after you've left the job?  Holy cow!  I can't imaging how tough that must be.

We vote them in, or their so-called "replacements", and then become disillusioned when they, just like the last time, don't deliver on their so-called "promises".  Only thing is, each campaign cycle is getting more and more refined, and the candidates are getting better and better at wrapping their false promises in vague wrapping paper, so you can't even tell what their promises are really promising anymore.  That way you're not sure if they broke their promises, or not.  You go out and vote again, firmly convinced this time it's going to be different.  It's going to be better.  And then you discover that your vote really didn't put the president in office, the Electoral College vote did.  It stings a little.  But if you drink enough, you find that it's really not so bad.

This machine we call "Democracy" is working just fine.

Yeah, I'm just a little cynical.  Still, I wouldn't trade living in America for anywhere else (unless I win the Lottery, then we'll have another discussion).

A Better Way to Choose a Leader

I'm sure I'm not alone in my extreme dislike for the entire political campaign process.  It's devolved into a soup of meaningless marketing noise and useless rhetoric.  The noise level keeps rising, the solutions fade off into the far distance, with little hope in sight of any real answers.

Add to this the pollution of our environment by campaign signs, which serve NO PURPOSE other than distracting our tired eyeballs from more important things (like the vehicle in front of you).  There's also the audio noise on the radio, and audio-visual noise on every TV station and many web sites, and well, I'm ready to puke.

Now comes the "big debate".  Oh boy.  As if having your skin pealed off slowly isn't bad enough, now they want to yank out your fingernails.  Is there no relief?  Is there no end in sight?

I have some ideas to make this a more enjoyable process.  Instead of future debates, maybe we could suggest some alternatives:

The Island of Death

Drop both candidates off on a deserted tropical island.  No supplies, no food, nothing.  The one who survives is the obvious choice.  After all, if they can't save their own life, how can we expect them to save our country's economy?

Foreign Relations Obstacle Course

Each candidate is outfitted with red, white and blue clothing, adorned with U.S. flags and stars, etc.  Then they are dropped into the streets of downtown Jalalabad in the early morning.  Their goal is to make it to the Indian or Afghan border alive, and uninjured by midnight.  If they can negotiate their way out with deft reasoning and shrewd political skill, maybe they have what it takes to negotiate on the world stage after all.

Countdown to Oblivion

Each candidate is outfitted with a locked vest which contains a bomb.  They must convince at least one detainee in Guantanamo Bay to give them the key to unlock it before the time runs out and it detonates.  Again, this will prove their negotiation and arbitration skills to their fullest potential.

Submit a Resume and Interview for the Job

Each candidate must submit a blind resume (no name or identifying information) to a board of reviewers that consists of college professors, police officers, military personnel, school teachers, construction workers, fast food workers, medical technicians, firefighters, garbage collectors, and six random shoppers gathered from the Walmart in downtown Miami at 2:00 AM on a Saturday.  If each reviewer gives their resume a 75%, it then moves on to the Island of Death for final competition.

Crack House

Each candidate must survive for one week, unassisted, in a randomly chosen crack house in an urban American city.  Every minute would be recorded and televised for our entertainment of course.

Wife Swap

Each candidate swaps households, spouses, and families with the other for one week.  Whichever candidate is preferred by their opponent's spouse wins.  In the event of a tie, they're both sent to Countdown to Oblivion.

Qualifying by Experience

All candidates should be required to have worked one full month in at least four of the following jobs, without ANY special assistance or support:

• Eighth Grade Public School Teacher
• Nurse Assistant in a large U.S. inner city public hospital
• Police Officer in Newark, NJ or Los Angeles, CA, night shift only
• Garbage Collector in Camden, NJ
• Fast Food cook at a rural southern town Hardees
• Point man on foot patrol in the Korengal Valley of Afghanistan
• Dock worker in a New Jersey shipping terminal
• An apprentice chef under Gordon Ramsay

Prez-o-dent / schmez-o-dent

I've been working since before I graduated high school. That would be somewhere in the mid/late 1970's. My first paying job was back when Jimmy Carter was president and I'm still a long way from retirement. I've seen a lot of so-called "change" over that time, but I'm still confused by all the talk about how much impact a "new" president has on the American public. I hear a lot of fuss about it. TV ads, radio ads. Coffee room chatter.

Really?

Explain this please?

What impact does a US president really have?  Really.  I mean: seriously. Ok. So he can nominate a Supreme Court justice on occasion, but that's still not an appointment. The nomination has to be vetted and approved by others.

Then there's the talk about Executive Orders. But when you look over the EO history, it's really not that impressive or impactful. There's really nothing sexy there at all, and Executive Orders can be reversed.

So, I am still confused by the focus on how much impact a "new" president really has.

Can they control the economy?  No.
Can they control medical breakthroughs?  Not directly.
Can they control gasoline prices?  No.
Can they control who wins American Idol?  No.

I have to say, in all my years of working, I have never seen, or experienced any meaningful or significant "change" in my job, income, career opportunities, family life or social activities as a direct result of voting in a new president. Never. I didn't see any real change in my life under Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr., or Obama. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. Nil. If you blindfolded me, put me in a time machine back to anywhere from 1976 until now, hid all the calendars, and asked me who the president is, I doubt I would know. Maybe by style and fashion, or tv shows I could guess, but certainly not by any meaningful criteria.

I have seen "change" as a result of overturn in Congress and Senate however. Oh yes. That I have seen. In fact, I have seen more "change" from local city elections than I ever have from a federal election.

Basically, in my humble view, the role of the US president is nothing more than a mouthpiece and figurehead. The news media has done a great job of programming the public into believing that the president can really invoke "change" without others involved.  It's like they have some magic wand, or magic crystal ring.  Sha-zam!  Instant Recession cure.  Instant job creation.  Instant insurance fix.  Instant Gitmo closure.  Instant terrorism fix.  Ho ho ho.  Keep wishing.

It's amazing. It's like we've forgotten everything we learned in elementary school. I shouldn't be surprised.

So. I ask you to do one thing: stop and think about each time you've experienced a change of presidential leadership in America, what exactly did you see "change" in your immediate life as a result? Not in the general public. Not on TV.  Not what your friends, neighbors, coworkers, and relatives blabbered about.  I  mean: in YOUR immediate life. And then, if you can even think of one thing, can you absolutely pin that on the president? Or was it really something that actually came from Congress or the Senate?

Each time I hear an ad that says "what will the first 100 days of a president (dipshit-asswipe) administration be like?" and they start off on listing all the "change" that will happen, I call BULLSHIT. I don't care who that president is. They simply seek to take credit for whatever their cronies in Congress and Senate can push into law. The role has become nothing more than a PR platform.

And in case you're wondering: yes, I have consumed a few beers in the past hour or two. None of which were less than 10% ABV, but it was all for a good cause: Me. ;)

Just another random thought.

Another Rant

It's been a while.  Ok, a few days, whatever. I felt an urge to vent about two things that really bother me.  I was going to say that they piss me the **** off, but then I thought that might be too crass and anti-intellectual.  Whatever.  So anyhow, here they are:

"It's all in God's hands"
"Never give up on your dreams"
"Everyone's good at something"

I'm sorry, but all of these are over-simplified turds of wisdom.  Here's why...

I'm not going to poo-poo anyone's religion.  That's not my place.  I have no right or authority to do that.  But, at what point does something STOP being in God's hands?  If "everything" is in God's hands, then that explicitly means NOTHING is "out" of God's hands.  After all, you can't have something be "Always" and "Never", or "Always" and "Sometimes" at the same time.  That's as impossible as keeping lawyers out of Washington DC.  So, I've made it a small project to ask people who range from non-religious all the way up to uber-religious about this phrase.  My questioning kind of follows Penn's logic, sort of, which is: If you release all your worries by saying everything is in God's hands, then why look before crossing a street?  Why put a seat belt on?  Why take a shower?  Why do anything?  After all, if it's in God's hands, then that means God will take care of EVERYTHING; leaving NOTHING for us to take care of.  So, why even get out of bed?  We should simply sleep all day and wait for God to take care of everything and bring it all to us.  Right?  God will take care of the rent, the food, the electricity, the water, we don't need to take care of anything.  There is a name for people that follow that belief: dead.

But, no one accepts that view.  At least, no one I've met.  So that really means that not "everything" is in God's hands. Some things are left for us to take care of.  But what?  Where is that line?  How do we, as mortals, decide for ourselves what God says is the line?  Is it for us as individuals to decide?  Is it per church?  Per city?  Per state government?  Per nation?  For some it means Cancer is a trip to the hospital, but for others it means staying home and praying, with no medical intervention at all.  For some it means courts of law to settle disputes and infractions, but for others it means prayer, while for others it means stoning to death.  If everything was truly in God's hands, we wouldn't need pastors, ministers, preachers, priests, rabbis, or whatever they call the authorities in other religions.

This nebulous, and mystical "line" divides us from the things that we are to let God handle, but "we" don't have a clear definition or belief of where that line is.  We can't even agree if the line is straight or drawn like a crayon between the toes of a Tourette's patient on Red Bull.  This is the essence of centuries of war (and millions of dollars in profit for lots of big corporations, I might add).  Too many times it's used as a scapegoat or cop-out.  Can't find a job? "It's in Gods hands".  No, it's not.  Go out and look for a job.  Child gets a nasty cut and is losing a lot of blood?  "It's in Gods hands".  No. Take the child to a doctor immediately.  I'm sure there are appropriate uses of the phrase, but it's becoming as overused as politicians saying "I have a plan".

"Never give up on your dream"

Adam Carolla has dissected this little turd on several occasions.  There is a point where dreams are not only to be left at the altar, but ground into dust like a cigarette butt under a steel toe construction boot.  Don't believe me?  Just watch American Idol.  Ask yourself what most of the first round cuts end up doing with their singing career.  That's right: they go back to busing tables, serving burgers and changing oil.  Let's face, if you're 85 and you had a lifelong dream to be a heavyweight boxer, and you hadn't made it yet: It's time to let that go.  Then again, maybe that's your idea of suicide by right-hook, which at 85 might not be so painful and drawn out.

"Everyone's good at something"

No. They. Are. Not.  For most of the human race, this is probably true.  By "most" I'm thinking 80 percent.  But if you've ever been around crack heads, ex-convict drug addicts or watched "To Catch a Predator", you should have confirmed that there are some folks who's only skill is being fertilizer.  No one is good at everything, this is true.  Most of us are good at something and not-so-good at many other things.  But *not* everyone is good at something.  They also have a TV show for people that haven't yet found their true calling, it's called Tosh.O.

Campaign Advertising Template

OPEN: Still-shot of opponent with a grim or clueless expression, panning slowly across view at awkward angle.  Overlay faded images of construction workers, people frustrated with bills, and traffic jams

NARRATOR: "[Opponent] says [he/she] is going to create jobs, but [his/her] plan will actually DESTROY jobs and crash our fragile economy.  [He/She] wants to raise taxes, and send American jobs overseas.  Don't let [him/her] get away with this!  Help us save American jobs and save America.  On [Date], vote for [You]."

DISPLAY:  smash-cut to still shot of candidate smiling and shaking hands with ordinary-looking white folks then ordinary-looking black folks.  smash-cut to video clip of small group discussion with candidate listening intently and nodding in agreement with confident grimace.

NARRATOR2: "This ad was sponsored by [insert PAC tax-avoiding-group-name] and the [Party Name] party."

Now:  Run out and vote.  Remember that since "every vote counts", YOUR vote will count too, and your candidate will win.  If they don't, then your vote didn't count, but that's impossible, so your candidate has to win.

Children's Guide to Politics and Elections

Listen up children, this is important stuff.  More important than Angry Birds. Yes, I know that's impossible to comprehend, and that "comprehend" is a big word, but it's really really really reeeeeeeeeaaaaally important.  So listen up.  Yes, I know I already said that.  But listen up anyway...

Election


An election is when people choose who the next president will be.  Or the next senator, congressman, mayor, councilman, police chief, superintendent, or hall monitor.  It makes us feel important and gives us a feeling of making a difference.  This is why they say "every vote counts". That's because every vote counts, just not counts towards winning.  Some votes count just to be counted but they don't count for anything.  You can count on that.  If every vote really counts, then whoever is in office is who everyone wanted, so that means every vote counted.  When you stand in line to choose, they call that "casting a vote".

Voting

Voting is when your mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, sister or brother, neighbor, teacher and the creepy old guy that takes pictures of you at the park, run over to your school and stand in line to pull a lever or punch a button to say who they want to be our next president, senator, congressman, mayor, or city council person.  The only vote that really counts is the one for everyone else *except* for the president.  You see, the president is chosen by a special group of people in a secret club called the "Electoral College".  They look at your mom and dad's votes and then decide how they want to vote.  Only sometimes they decide to vote however they want.  Kind of like when your big brother or big sister takes your bowl of ice cream and says they'll beat you up if you tell mom or dad.

Two Party System

There are two political parties, or clubs, that run for every election.  One is called the Democrats.  The other is called the Republicans.  Neither one of them do anything except spend tons and tons and tons of money on annoying TV commercials calling the other side liars and crooks.  Their job is to keep everyone busy believing that they're really going to change things, but they never do.  If they ever really changed things, we wouldn't need them anymore, so they keep saying they will as long as you keep voting for them.  When they don't change anything, they just blame the other side for cheating and messing things up.

The only real difference between these two parties is that one believes everything is broken and everything needs to be fixed with lots and lots of money.  The other thinks nothing is broken and nothing ever needs to be fixed and that things will just fix themselves.  You are probably part of what was once called the "middle class", which is the special group of people that neither of these parties care about, so you have nothing to worry about.

Special Interest Groups

This is a special name they give special people who carry around special suitcases filled with special cash.  Some people call them corporate sponsors.  Some call them defense contractors.  Some call them late for Tee time at the golf course.  But whatever they're called, these are the people who really make the decisions.  You see, when Mr. or Ms. Senator is in their office and their secretary rings their phone and says they have a visitor, they look at the list and see someone like your mom or dad, and they tell the secretary to tell them they're extremely busy balancing the budget.  They're really practicing their golf putt in the office while wearing nothing but a shirt and tie and underwear.  When the secretary says it's Lockheed Martin, or Walmart, they drop the putter and pull up their pants and race real fast to get the office in clean shape to meet with these important people and their important bags of cash.

You see, without those special bags of special cash, they can't afford to buy those interesting and informative TV commercials that you can't wait to watch every day and night.  They need those to help re-program your brain to believe their enemy (the other party guy) is a liar and a thief.

Hard Work

Being a politician is hard work.  Much harder than brain surgery, being an airline pilot, or digging ditches.  It's really tough.  How tough?  First off, they have to sit at a desk for an hour every day.  Then they have to get up, and go to meetings and conferences and give speeches about how hard they're working.  Then they have to film more TV commercials and it requires a lot of talking to tell you that his opponent is a liar and a thief and how he's changing things, but he needs your vote to keep changing things.  Then they have to muster the courage to go out and play golf with those special interest people with their special golf carts filled with special bags of special money.  Afterwards they go to more cocktail parties, which sound fun, but they're not!  They have to "mingle" and "schmooze" with other special people so they can talk them into giving him some of their special money.

They do this ridiculously hard stuff for weeks and weeks and then they are forced to go on what's called a sabbatical.  It's horrible.  They have to take off half of the year and do nothing at all except get paid.  It's unbelievably painful and many of them can't handle the stress.  When they can't handle the hard work anymore, they tap out (like you see on TV when your dad watches UFC) and they accept an offer to go work for one of those special interest companies and are forced to get more of that special money.  Most of the time though, they do their absolute best to help America and Americans by passing special laws to help those special interest people before they quit and take one of those special jobs at the special interest companies.  This is called "serving the people".

Conclusion

Well, I hope you learned a lot about our political system.  After all, it is the BEST political system in the entire world!  Many people say that it's the best one that money can buy, and they aren't kidding.  So be sure to get out and vote so you can help these special people keep changing things by helping those special money people.  After all, this is America and every vote counts.

Moochers Everywhere

Have you ever had the experience of asking your friends or coworkers to pitch in on something (lunch, dinner, beer, etc.) and they opt out, only to come back later and try to mooch off what you had to pay for alone?  If you haven't, you re lucky indeed.  Most people I know, including myself, are all too familiar with that situation, especially in our younger days.
A similar case occurred recently while riding the newly opened "Tide" light rail system in Norfolk, VA.  On the opening weekend, we took advantage of the free access and rode it from end to end, taking note of each station and location along the way.  During the ride, there were a handful of Tea Party loyalists around sharing their complaints about the city spending money on a mass transit system.  One of them decided to grand stand in the middle of one "car" and used the crowd as his captive audience.  After listening to this idiot spew idiocy for a few minutes, I finally had enough.
He said "How is this going to help Virginia Beach residents? Huh?!"
I shut him down: "Virginia Beach voted to skip the project, so their residents have no say in what Norfolk decides to do, so shut the fuck up and go ride your own light rail... ooops! You don't have one, do you?"  That worked.  I'm a Virginia Beach resident, but I'm disgusted with the apathy of residents in the entire area.  No wonder most big companies avoid creating jobs here.  Many have visited to consider it, but almost all of them move on elsewhere.
On a side note: On the opening day of the Tide system, the Tea Party, all 12 of them, staged a protest at the Newtown Road station, complete with signs and clever rhyming chants while walking around in circles.  When the news cameras were turned off, they immediately dispersed and left, but not before stopping by the complimentary donut and coffee table to load up before leaving.  Those entitlements are tough to ignore.

The Candidates

Ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America: Here is your top-shelf list of candidates to lead your country.  This represents the BEST OF THE BEST.  These are the absolute BEST of what we, as a nation, can offer.  There are NO better choices to be had.  If there were, they'd be running (and on the list).  Enjoy!

Candidate	Party	Values
Obama	D	Lead by Committee
Perry	R	Lead by Corporate Dictation
Romney	R	Lead by Hair Gel
Bachman	R	Lead by Xanax
Palin	R	Lead by reality show TV ratings
Santorum	R	Lead by head in toilet
Huntsman	R	Lead by following (way in the back)
Alexander	R	Who?
Paul	R	Lead by avoiding the GOP and Fox
Person	L	Seriously?
Miller	R	Wha?
McMillan	R	Oh come on... Muttonchops??!
Martin	R	Ok, this isn't funny
McCotter	R	I'm not laughing, stop it...
Karger	R	(blank stare)
Johnson	R	(deep sigh, blank stare)
Gingrich	R	(wide-eyed blank stare w/furrough brow)
Cain	R	(cough)
Gary	L	(deep sigh)
Terry	R	(nothing, absolutely nothing at all)
Wrights	L	As if?
Wuensche	R	Are you fucking crazy?!

There it is: your candidates to lead your country into the next four year term.  My prediction is that this is all a sick joke perpetrated by the Taliban.  Ok, I get it. I get it now.  Real funny.  So funny I forgot to laugh.  Each election year I think it can't possibly get worse, and every time I'm proven wrong.

Seriously: We are fucking doomed.

Source: http://2012.presidential-candidates.org/

Nanny State?

Not to toss out any political or philosophical mumbo-jumbo, just PURE FACT for the hell of it.  These are just a few consumer-oriented things that would not exist had it not been for government regulation, introduced by both Democrat and Republican administrations over the past few decades:

• Ingredients listed on food and medical products
• Nutrition labels on food products
• Seat belts in passenger vehicles
• Collapsible steering wheels
• Air bags
• Speed-rated Bumpers on passenger vehicles
• Laminated safety glass windshields
• Licensing of Physicians
• Licensing of aircraft pilots
• Age restriction on buying cigarettes
• Age restriction on buying alcohol
• Age restriction on buying firearms
• Age restriction on buying motorized vehicles
• Age restriction on employment (children labor)
• Food safety inspections at factories and meat packing facilities
• Water safety regulation and inspection
• Inspection of imports at loading docks
• Aircraft flight path registration and tracking
• Removal of Lead from household paint coatings
• Removal of Lead from commercial grade gasoline
• Standardized road sign templates
• The Internet
• Velcro, Freeze-dried foods, LED displays, Zip-Lock technology, scratch-resistant coatings, memory foam, ear thermometers,  (via NASA)
• The Interstate Highway system
• A national currency system (rather than a state-by-state currency system)
• Regulation of radio and wireless transmission frequencies
• Regulation of hunting and fishing
• lot's more

Again - I am NOT saying these are by any means "perfect".  I am only saying most of these "exist" primarily because of government intervention.  In most cases (above), industry resisted these changes, sometimes fiercely.  Whether you agree with their necessity or not, they exist.

Made in 'merica

I've lived in the South most of my life.  We can't pronounce shit correctly here.  In fact, we can't pronounce the word "shit" properly.  We say "sheeeit" and usually follow it up with something cerebral like "f-ing A" or "dang rat" (that's "dang right" with a special twang on it).

The news here, and probably in many localities (since they're owned by larger corporate interests, and often cross-load their content to save wasted effort and extra thinking), has been gradually ramping up a series of "news reports" on "Made in America".  The basic aim is to go into a typical house (or trailer, "if yuze from round heeah buoy!") and identify what items are made in America.  I love how the word "news" has become synonymous with running your mouth on TV while wearing a suit in front of a green screen.

This effort is both falsely constructed and stupid as shit in its aim.  Let me explain why.

First off, what is "made"?  Does that mean the rare Earth minerals, timber, gasses and fossil fuels are mined or extracted here?  In a bonafide "state" or a protectorate?  Or does it mean the raw materials are imported (most likely, since U.S. mining is in a state of near comatose stupor now) and are then processed into wholesale commodities for downstream manufacturing?  Or does it mean the wholesale materials are imported and the final products are assembled here?  Is it the diamond coat paint, or the pigment and vehicle in the can or the can itself?  Does that include the paper label?  What about the brushes, handles and fibers?  How about the air brush kit, the compressor, the electric motor, the conductors, brushes, bearings and windings?

Yes.  It's "D" or "All the above".

Retarded, I know.  But that's what they call "fine print" reading.  That covers the falsely constructed aspect I mentioned above.  If you do some research, you will find that the current state of raw mineral mining in the continental United States is dramatically lower than it was in the 1970's.  As of 2010 and into 2011, the vast majority of many raw materials like Copper, Iron, Zinc, Paladium, Tin and Nickel are imported from countries with abundant supplies and vastly cheaper labor.  When I say "vastly" I mean "VASTLY" cheaper. 

A representative from Rio Tinto, one of the largest, if not THE largest of, mining companies on Earth said recently that it would take the United States roughly five years to restore mining output to what it was in the 1970's and the net result would be materials that cost five or ten times as much as they do now.  Have you priced Copper lately?  Are you familiar with what a spool of 200 feet of Copper wire cost in 2000 and what it costs today?  Imagine that increasing again by 5x or 10x.  Not a very practical goal.  Sound familiar?  Ever heard oil company executives talk about domestic drilling costs? (no, I don't count politicians talking shit about it. I only count the official sources).

I haven't lost you yet, have I?  Good.  Stay with me…

So, this "Made in America" crap is dangerously misleading.  It's a twisted, fine-print riddled mess designed to spin up the emotions (and viewer ratings) of people who think NASCAR and competitive eating should be awarded Nobel prizes.  But that's not all.  Now on to the stupid as shit in its aim aspect…

If you can add numbers, just basic numbers, you should be able to pull up some official numbers from government and industry web sites and add them up and realize, eventually, that if we only bought domestically produced products, it would make things worse.  Why?  Because we, as Americans, cannot consume enough goods to keep all our current factories running.  We have to sell some of our goods to other customers: Translation = foreign consumers.  That's right: we do in fact, regardless of what you've been told, still export things for sale in other countries.  Amazing.  I know.

Without the ability to spread our sales across America, Canada, Mexico, South America, Europe, Asia, Australia and the Middle East, a lot of our manufacturing would simply die out.  Any Economics 101 student knows this, but if you don't believe school is any good I suppose that's a meaningless claim.

The story from here on gets more and more complicated obviously.  In order to convince another country to sell your products, they also want an agreement that you sell theirs in your country.  Then it progresses from this to the trend of establishing manufacturing and distribution channels around the world to improve distribution and delivery to all customers, so you build factories and warehouses in other countries, and they build in yours.  That's why there are Toyota and Honda plants in America and we have Nike, Ford and GM plants in Germany and China.

So, when you decide to only buy American products, you may feel good.  But if everyone does that, sales of foreign goods drop in America and foreign trade partners cancel agreements and then American products don't sell outside of America.  Guess who bought most Harley-Davidson motorcycles last year?  Guess who buys most Levi denims and Apple iPad devices?  Here's a hint: "taint 'merica!"

Conclusion

Instead of buying something because it has a label, buy it because of its quality.  Buy the best made products and force the competition to step up.  Pandering to sub-standard shit only keeps them making, and you paying for, shit.  Don't reward shit.

My Interview with some Extreme Visionaries

This month I sit down with two diametrically opposed people to pick their minds, or what's left of them anyway. The two this time are "Bill" and "Bob".  Bill is a self-described Tea Party proponent.  Bob is a self-described liberal Democrat.  Sharp objects were hidden away and suitable protective staff members were present to suppress any potential emotional outbreaks.  Let's get started!

Dave: "Welcome.  Thank you both for taking the time to sit down and share your views and have a little discussion with me today."

Both: "Thank you!"

Dave: "To start with, I need to give a shout-out to our sponsor for this event: Peppy's brand Caffeinated Laxative pills.  When you need to go, and you need to go right now!  It's Peppy's or nothing."

Dave: "So Bill.  Let me start with you.  What do you see as your ideal government of the future?"

Bill: "As little as possible.  Maybe even none at all."

Dave: "None?"

Bill: "Yep.  Private business and constituents can do things just fine themselves.  It's all about self-empowerment and getting big government off our backs.  Let small business thrive and get families back to home-schooling and growing their own crops.  Fundamentals."

Dave: "What about essential services like FAA flight control, border control, Customs inspections, safety recalls, food and medical testing, and defense?"

Bill: "We don't see those as 'essential', Dave.  That's over-hyped. We should let the private sector handle those responsibilities. They know them better than government ever will."

Dave: "Home schooling?  For everyone?"

Bill: "Everyone.  Cut taxes and get kids back in their homes learning in their own family environment."

Dave: "Everyone?"

Bill: "Everyone."

Dave: "Single-parent families too?  Who will bring home the income?"

Bill: "Everyone.  We can work on single-parent families.  We need to provide additional tax breaks to heterosexual married couples to provide incentive to stay married."

Dave: "They'll stay married longer if they get a tax break?"

Bill: "Absolutely."

Dave: "Have you ever been to PeopleOfWalmart.com?"

Bill: "What are you trying to say?"

Dave: "Have you?"

Bill: "Yes.  Disgusting filth."

Dave: "You believe those same people are qualified to teach their own children to become productive citizens and compete in the global marketplace of the future?"

Bill: "Why not?"

Dave: (eyebrows raised, stunned)

Dave: "Do you live near a Sam's Club or Costco?"

Bill: "I sure do. Costco."

Dave: "Do you shop there often?"

Bill: "All the time. Either my wife or I shop there every week."

Dave: "Why don't you shop at locally-owned businesses instead?"

Bill: "Are you kidding?!  I save a ton at Costco, and they have a huge selection of things to choose from."

Dave: "And why is that?"

Bill: "They have lower prices."

Dave: "I mean, why do they have lower prices?"

Bill: "Because they buy in bulk."

Dave: "Over the course of a given month, would you say you spend more of your money at Costco than at small locally-owned businesses?"

Bill: "I wouldn't say that."

Dave: "Well, what would you say?"

Bill: "Ok, I probably spend half my money, maybe a little more, at Costco."

Dave: "So, by a 'voting with your dollars' perspective, you put as much support behind 'big business' (air quotes) as you do small business?"

Bill: (blank stare)

Dave: "You are aware that over ninety percent of the items sold at Costco are made overseas?"

Bill: "Says who?"

Dave: "Says their own inventory reports.  You can stroll down the aisles and verify this yourself."

Bill: "I have staff that takes care of that sort of thing for me."

Dave: "But I thought you were in favor of small government.  Why not do that yourself?"

Bill: "I don't think I like your tone."

Dave: "So, big or small business?"

Bill: "We need to protect small business while also protecting big business.  It's all about jobs and employment after all."

Dave: "So, when big business threatens to overtake small business, such as when a Sam's Club or Walmart moves into a rural area and the local businesses cannot compete, what then?  Who do you support?"

Bill: "We need to protect small business while also protecting big business.  It's all about jobs and employment after all."

Dave: "Didn't you just say that?"

Bill: "Pardon?"

Dave: "Are there any government services you see as being necessary? Any that you would keep?"

Bill: "Maybe the CDC.  Everything else would be eliminated or cut to less than half what they are now."

Dave: "How would you propose we provide support to our trading partners around the world?"

Bill: "We need to focus on America first.  The rest of the world will have to wait.  If that means we pull out our military forces from all foreign places, then so be it."

Dave: "Even if that results in layoffs and cutbacks at American factories due to reduced sales and shipments?"

Bill: "Yep. We must feel some pain to truly heal."

Dave: (shaking head with raised eyebrows)

Bill: "See, Dave, there's also no credible evidence to support that government has really improved safety or security over what private business could do.  Whether that's food safety, product safety, environment and ecology, research or military defense, it can all be outsourced to private businesses and done better."

Dave: "What small businesses can provide military security around the world?"

Bill: "We put it up for bid and allow the markets to compete.  We could have twenty or thirty thriving small businesses providing ground, sea and air defenses, and the taxpayer would win."

Dave: (blank stare)

Dave: "How would you fund the CDC without taxes?"

Bill: "They would be required to sell services or products to fund themselves."

Dave: (inhales deep, exhales slowly, while staring wide-eyed at the floor)

Dave: "Gay marriage?"

Bill: "Against it.  They should be jailed and rehabilitated for their illness."

Dave: "Gun control?"

Bill: "None.  Allow anyone to buy any gun they so choose."

Dave: "Safety inspections and recalls?"

Bill: "Let businesses take care of that themselves.  We trust them."

Dave: "Defense?"

Bill: "Pull our forces out and bring them home.  No need to stick our noses in other people's business."

Dave: "Oil?"

Bill: "Drill at home.  Stop buying from OPEC.  Even if it costs way more to drill and produce domestically, it's the right thing to do.  Drill off of every shore, in every National and State Park.  Everywhere.  Oil comes first."

Dave: "Alternative energy?"

Bill: "Solar and wind are bogus.  Nuclear is messy.  Oil is best."

Dave: "I'm going to list some agencies and ask you to respond with either 'keep' or 'eliminate'..."

Dave: "CIA and FBI"

Bill: "Eliminate"

Dave: "FDA"

Bill: "Eliminate!"

Dave: "FAA"

Bill: "Ditto!"

Dave: "DOJ"

Bill: "Like we need more lawyers?  Eliminate."

Dave: "DoD?"

Bill: "Cut waaaaaaaay back."

Dave: "NASA"

Bill: "Eliminate"

Dave: "HUD"

Bill: "Eliminate"

Dave: "How should we compete against China in the future, especially with respect to their signifcant ownership in U.S. T-bills and their tightly-integrated relationships with U.S.-based corporate operations?"

Bill: "Cut off trade with China immediately!"

Dave: "What if that causes U.S. businesses to fold and lay off workers?"

Bill: "It won't.  We have faith."

Dave: "How do you see the effectiveness of the recent Health Care Reform legislation?"

Bill: "It's totally unnecessary.  We don't need to fix anything.  It's working fine. Prescriptions are affordable.  Co-pays are affordable.  Services are the best in the world.  Paper forms have worked fine for decades. There's nothing whatsoever wrong with our current health care system.  Leave it alone.  Let the market determine what needs to be done."

Dave: "Finally, what do you believe the responsibility of the GOP or Tea Party movement is now?"

Bill: "To remind Americans that we are right and they (points to Bob) are wrong!  They are destroying our country while we are doing our best to save it."

---

Dave: "Ok then.  On to you, Bob.  How would you propose we shape the government of the future?"

Bob: "Government should be the ultimate service provider.  It should provide all that we need or want.  Private business can still thrive in a supporting role, but the actual decision making and execution should be government."

Dave: "How do you address the growing concerns about over-spending, waste and increased taxes?"

Bob: "We have to pay for this stuff somehow."

Dave: "And the over-spending part?"

Bob: "How would I address over-spending?  That's a good question.  I'm glad you asked that Dave.  You see, some people think we spend too much in this country, and that's a valid concern."

Dave: "You're not going to answer my question, are you."

Bob: "Could you repeat the question again?"

Dave: "Never mind. Gay marriage?"

Bob: "It should be protected and supported by the government.  We should teach kids in school that two daddies or two mommies is ok as well."

Dave:  "Gun control?"

Bob: "Guns are violent.  People don't kill people.  Guns kill people.  We should ban them."

Dave: (eye brows hurting from being in the "up" position for so long now…) "Safety inspections and recalls?"

Bob: "Increase them both.  Make it more difficult to get things through the inspection process so we slow down and do the right thing up front, not later on."

Dave: "Defense?"

Bob: "Do more with less.  More work, less people."

Dave: "Oil?"

Bob: "Stop buying from Canada, Mexico and OPEC."

Dave: "Alternative energy?"

Bob: "Electric from solar, wind and geo-thermal.  Build them in every state.  Wind turbine farms off of every coast, on every mountain top.  Solar panels on all buildings, across every open space we can find."

Dave: "Methane?"

Bob: "Sure."

Dave: "How do you see the effectiveness of the Health Care Reform legislation?  What does it really do for Americans?"

Bob: "It fixes everything.  It restores quality health care and our faith in the health care system."

Dave: "Some argue that it punishes insurance providers but doesn't put enough pressure on hospitals to control spending and cost increases - that the dramatic increase in the construction of new hospitals, new wings and facilities and renovations to existing facilities is coming at a cost to increased material and services charges to insurance companies and patient deductibles and co-pays. What do you say to that?"

Bob: "It fixes all that too."

Dave: "How should we compete against China in the future, especially with respect to their significant ownership in U.S. T-bills and their tightly-integrated relationships with U.S.-based corporate operations?"

Bob: "Learn Chinese."

Dave: "What do you believe the responsibility of the Democratic party is now?"

Bob: "To remind Americans that we are right and they (points at Bill) are wrong!  Dead wrong!  They are destroying our country.  We are doing our best to save it."

Conclusion

I think we are doomed.

[disclaimer: this is satire.  don't take me too serious, ok?]

Logic Comparisons

Let me try to break this down.  As of today, this is how the "popular ethical view" shakes out…

Issue	Current Status
Cigarettes	Acceptable
Marijuana	Unacceptable
Liquor, Wine, Beer	Legal. No signature required
Advil Cold & Sinus	Legal. Must show ID and sign consent form
Lottery Tickets	Acceptable
Online Poker	Illegal
Gays on TV	Great Ratings
Gays in Military	A tough sell
Government involved in Religious Endeavors	Unacceptable
Religion involved in Government Endeavors	Acceptable
Oil Imports from Canada*	Acceptable
Oil Imports from OPEC	Unfavorable
Tossing Paper Plates in Trash instead of Recycle Bin	Unacceptable
Using Toilet Paper	Acceptable
Social Networks Tracking our Location	Unacceptable
Volunteering our Location to the Public at Large	Acceptable
Saying "FUCK" in a public school classroom	Unacceptable
Saying "FUCK" on a bumper sticker	Protected by First Amendment
Putting your Dying Dog/Cat/Horse to "sleep"	Acceptable
Putting your Dying relative to "sleep"	Unacceptable
Video Cameras in stores, buses, parking lots, intersections	Acceptable
Video Cameras in aircraft flight deck	Unacceptable
Prime-time TV showing graphic violence	Acceptable
Prime-time TV showing graphic nudity	Unacceptable

* The US imports more oil from Canada than any other nation

The Virginia Beach Election Erection Eradication

Yes, I said it.  That’s what it means, and I mean what I said.  Our choices on the ballot this year are a “boner killer”.  A cargo ship laden with Viagra pulling a barge filled with bottles of the best wine, poured by a naked and oiled-up Jenna Jameson can’t overcome this level of crap.  Ok, maybe Jenna alone can, but only if she ran on our ballot.

If you don’t live here, that’s fine.  But if you do live here, and you may chuckle (or just shake your head in disbelief) at the sexual innuendo, but the choices this year are desperately lame.  LAME.  L-A-M-E.

Let’s break down the choices:

Platform…	Glenn Nye (D)	Scott Rigell (R)	Kenny Golden (I)
Jobs Stimulation	Beg the Navy to keep JFCOM alive and keep carriers in Norfolk	Same	Same
Address Transportation Congestion	N/A	N/A	N/A
Basic Platform Message	“Keep jobs by keeping the Navy happy”	“Keep jobs by keeping the Navy happy”	“uhh… what those two guys just said.”
Education Spending	Blah blah	Blah blah	Blah blah
Alternative Energy Investment	Blah blah	Blah blah	Blah blah
Qualifying Experience	Ran around with the Marines	Owned a car dealership	Once had hair
Most Significant Accomplishment in the Past Year	A spiffy new web site	A spiffy new web site	A complete piece of fucking shit web site (but a nice new suit)
Personal Distinctions	Young and Nerdy	Old and Nerdy	Wears Hats
Would I trust to Babysit one of my daughters	No	No	“uh, whatever those guys said.”

As a consequence: I have made a FIRM DECISION (unlike any of these pukes) to skip their vote and vote only on the remainder of choices: Virginia State Constitutional Ammendments, City Council Representatives, and School Board.

As for how I’m voting on the other folks: none of your business.  That’s why they have curtains on voting booths.  Right?  Am I right?

Ok, I’ll clue you in: Our region has some of the worst transportation problems I’ve ever seen in the U.S.  Whoever convinces me they are interested in fixing that (and by they, investing in fixing it, thereby investing in jobs, materials, and helping us in the long term by leaving our children in a better situation…) will get my vote.

Peace.

Open Mindz

So far, I’m 18-0 on this one.  I “win” if the person responds as described below…

Me: “Do you consider yourself open-minded when it comes to politics? Do you give equal time to opposing views to hear their rationale?”

Them: “Absolutely!”

Me: “Well, ___ is going to be on TV tonight doing an interview.  Are you going to watch?”

Them: “Hell no!”

So far, 7 Democrats, 9 Republicans, and 2 “Tea Party-ers”.  It’s rarely just “no” or “I don’t think so”.  It’s almost always an emphatic “Hell no!”

For Democrats, I fill in the blank with “John Boehner”, “John McCain”, or “Scott Rigell” (a local guy).  For Republicans, I fill in “Barrack Obama”, “Nancy Pelosi” or “Glenn Nye” (another local guy).  For Tea Party-ers I just name pretty much anyone that doesn’t call themself a party member, but they typically waiver on filling in a Republican for just a second or two.

Open Minds.  Pffft.  Whatever.  When people say “I have an open mind” it really just means “I have an open mind to whatever I agree with”.

A Little Misplaced Emotion Goes a Long (Wrong) Way

Some of my extended “family” and a few of my “colleagues” are upset with me over a conversation thread on Facebook.  It’s ok, I forgive them.  But I felt the need to diagnose the affliction and categorize it for future remedy.  Heh heh…

So it started like this:  I said “It’s kind of funny how some people get as upset if I tell them I’m not voting this year, as if I said I was going to burn a flag”.

The ensuing responses went into a category 5 hurricane swirl of angst and resentment, saying things like I was being “irresponsible” and I therefore “lose all rights to speak”.  Some of these came from an experienced attorney.  One that drinks a bit heavily at times, and is extremely “left”, extremely, but still: a licensed attorney.  The others came from Republicans, Democrats, and a Tea Party guy who snuck into the room.  My extended family and colleagues are of a rather diverse frame of thought.

What they all missed before turning on their turbo-charged, fuel-injected, NOX-infused, knee-jerk machinery was the small part “this year”.

I’m 46.  I have voted in every election I’ve been qualified to vote in since I turned 18.  I have rarely met someone older than 30 who has not missed at least one election at some point in their life.  They usually slough it off to “couldnt’ miss work” or “was sick” or “out of town”, which are all completely bullshit excuses. 

I have voted with a full-blown Flu and a fever of 102 with green shit ejecting from every cough like stuffing cabbage heads into a wood chipper.  I went into work late, left work early, whatever it took.  I voted.  Even if you go out of town, there are ways to cast your vote.

But that only matters when you feel there is a “choice”.

Some like to compare the choosing factor to choosing food.  I’ve done it myself.  It’s a flawed rationale and metaphor, because food is life-sustaining, directly, empirically, while voting is not.  You can argue the indirect aspects of that statement until you turn 95 years old, but the fact is if you don’t vote you won’t fall over dead as a direct result.

I prefer the rationale/analogy of choosing shirts or shoes.  If you are presented with two such things, and neither fits or works for your tastes, you, as an American, reserve every right under the Constitution to not choose.

The highlight of the “discussion” involved points such as:

• Does a convicted terrorist have more right to speak up in court than I have to speak up about politics, if I choose not to vote just one time?  Their answer: Yes
• Does it justify a more serious response to burn an American flag in public than to not vote just one time?  Their answer: Yes
• Should I (or “Do I”) lose my rights to “freedom of speech” by not voting just one time?  Their answer: Yes
• Does this mean “inalienable rights” really means nothing anymore?  My answer: based on their logic: yes.

Now I will admit that my counter-argument strayed over the line into debating the merits of a pseudo-democratic system, and the corruption of corporatized politics and PAC influences and failed rhetorical platforms that seem to ensnare the masses like fish chasing bait on a cold morning.  That is an entirely separate debate.  Still worthy of vetting, but not the same as my reasons for not voting in 2010. 

And what reason is that? -- This year I see two candidates not worth a gram of snot.  Zero.  We have an incumbent who has accomplished nothing because he’s a mush-mouthed Casper Milktoast (look that one up), and a challenger who just regurgitates from a prepared queue card.  No plan details.  No clear vision or direction.  Just the same old one-word crap like “Integrity”, “Honesty” and so on. I don’t pick plumbers, electricians, doctors, car mechanics, or whatever based on “I’ll fix it” without telling me how (and for how much also!).

Most people pick a candidate using the following criteria, in order of importance from top to bottom:

• Party
• Appearance
• Vocabulary and Tone of Voice
• TV Ads

Go ahead and ask just about any stranger on the street: “Excuse me but how do you pick a candidate to vote for?” And after they give you the meaningless answer of “I listen to their views and what their platform is” then ask them details about their pick.  Ask them “what exactly is ___ going to do about ___?”  The more you drill down, the more obvious it becomes that voters really don’t know what their candidate stands for or what their exact “plan” really is.  “He’s going to go to Washington and make them change” (I’ve already posted my thoughts on that crap).  Enough of that. Back on the trail…

I will vote again, I am sure.  I never once suggested that anyone else not vote.  I’ve never condoned that, just as I have never condoned prosthelytizing others to vote for a particular candidate or party.  I make my own decisions and I usually sleep well with them.  This year my decision is to skip the election because I don’t like either candidate and that’s it.  If you want to vote, go ahead.  I’ll wait this one out.  I’ve earned it.  I’m not sloughing it off to illness, work, or travel either.  My one vote, statistically and historically (factually, really) will not sway the outcome.  No single vote ever does, never has.

So with the flawed perception that I was saying to NEVER vote stuck in their heads, they turned on the verbage grinding machine and started spraying back.  Oh well.  Tough shit.  That’s what you get for not reading and thinking before responding.  I can blow it off, for now at least, but I’m sure some of them will hold the resentment and hostile feelings for a good while.  Too bad.  Maybe if they really had an “open mind” like they keep bragging about, then this wouldn’t be an issue.

Summary

I am not now, nor have I ever, condoned or suggested that anyone not vote when they have the opportunity.  I am condoning the God-given right, the “inalienable” right, for Americans to not choose when they don’t want to choose.  For example, let’s say there are two candidates running on the local ballot.  One is firmly in favor of something you personally find morally and religiously “wrong”.  The other is firmly in favor of something you know for certain will cost you your job and your home.  Just sayin.  You don’t see a “win” from either one of these getting into office.  You could say you have the right to make a “write-in” candidate, but maybe you really don’t know anyone that can (and would) do the job properly.  You’re left with three options, of which none are satisfactory.  Why is that being irresponsible to not cast a vote you see as being wasted?

Unfortunate, yes.  Irresponsible, no.  Irresponsible would be getting too drunk to make it to the polls, maybe crashing your car into a school along the way.  Irresponsible would be unzipping your pants and urinating on the voting machine.  I certainly do not believe such a decision would forfeit my rights to speak up, as long as I don’t point my criticisms at one of the candidates alone.  I do believe that not voting precludes my logical right to blame one candidate or one party for subsequent issues or events.  It does not preclude me the right to criticize the system or situation as a whole.  But again, as I’ve already said: I fully intend to vote again, when the choices are worthwhile for my needs.  Just as you vote based upon your needs.

Why “Change” is Almost Impossible

This may be a long-winded post and you may fall asleep before getting half-way.  However, I am fired up and need to vent my puny brain in order to get to sleep.

Let’s just say you were attending a large high school and you were pretty tight with your buds and suddenly you started hearing word about a new student arriving from another school.  This other “new” student spends months posting videos on the Internet, buying TV commercials, and radio spots, all to emphasize that *your* school was full of inept, corrupt, good-ole boys who don’t like change and that this new student was going to single-handedly straighten things out.  Make change.  Get things done.  After months of hearing this, the new student arrives at your school and announces they are running for SCA president.

How would that go over?

Now think about this:  Substitute “school” for “Congress” or “Senate”, and “new student” for “candidate” and what do you have?

This is why things in politics will NEVER change.  Change you can believe in? Sure.  And you can believe in the Tooth Fairy too.  But in reality, politics involves, no scratch that… it CONSISTS ENTIRELY of networking and relationships.  When you see campaign ads where the candidate says things like:

• “It’s time for new thinking in Washington”
• “I will lead the way for change in Washington”
• “Because we need someone to make them listen”
• “I’m going to make them change”
• “I will work to make them change”

What it inevitably turns into is the following chronological progression:

• “I’m going to march into Washington and kick ass”
• “I got to Washington and I’m trying my best to kick ass”
• “I’m on my second week in Congress/Senate and I’m swimming upstream, looking for the right ass to kick, but there’s just sooooo many!”
• “I’m submitting bills but most are getting ignored or shot down by my own party cabinet and committee members.  I’m getting my ass kicked.”
• “I was told if I support my colleague’s bill for a new squirrel zoo in Idaho, he will back my bill for a cat crosswalk downtown. But then I need two more names to get past the first review session and that means I have to agree to add some terms to my bill to get their signatures, which are for a new airport in the middle of nowhere (near the senator’s house), and a school for blind and deaf Lesbian immigrants.”
• “I’m on day 30 and I’m not making much progress, but this really well-dressed lobby guy offered me some tickets to a NFL game this weekend for my whole family.  Good news is that the blind and deaf Lesbian immigrant school will have a crosswalk for their cats!”
• “Well, it’s day 90 and I’ve submitted 24 bills, of which 23 were rejected or buried, and 1 is pending with a review committee when they return from vacation in two months.  But I go on my six-month vacation that same week, so it won’t get voted on until early next year.  But since that’s a mid-term election cycle, half of them may not return so I’ll probably have to start from scratch.”
• “I will not seek re-election.” followed by a quiet exit and a stealth hiring by a major lobbying firm or defense contractor.

Same game, different names.  Always the same.  I saw it with Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr. and now with Obama.  They say the same thing every time they’re asked why they haven’t been able to close the deal on one of their biggest campaign promises: “It’s hard” or “It’s complicated”

Well, no shit.  Golly gosh!

There’s a profound epiphany: politics ain’t easy.  I sure am glad they confirmed that for all us simple folk.

Going back to the high school scenario: Put yourself back in high school just for a minute.  Without the bong and beer cans, ok?  How successful would you have been if you walked in one Monday morning and said something like “ok, everyone, I want you to change the school’s mascot and colors right now!”  (If you could do that, you really should run for a public office).  So what makes everyone put down their cup of brain juice and just accept that a candidate is going to waltz into Washington with spurs, guns and a cowboy hat on and whip things into shape?

They have a term for new elected folks with big egos and big dreams: 

Fresh Meat

A-merican Gub-mint 101

Once again, I feel the compulsion to shine the light of reality on the cesspool of popular perception.  I overheard two “geniuses” debating the merits of our “democracy” and voting process and how they wish a certain president were lynched under an old Oak tree.  We’ve come so far.

Well, I have to do a brain dump.  Here goes…

There was once the concept of “democracy”.  It has never existed in the USA.  Never.  At no point since our official inception have we had a “democracy”.  Study the definition and you’ll realize this.  We are technically, and realistically closer to being a “republic”.  They have different meanings.  Words matter.

We do not elect all of our public servants.   Proportionally, we do not elect most of them, actually.  We do not directly elect our president.  We don’t choose the vice president, nor the Speaker of the House, nor the Minority Whip or Majority Leader.  We don’t choose committee members or committee leaders.  We don’t elect the Supreme Court bench. We don’t vote to go to war or to raise taxes.  We don’t get to vote on the vast majority of bills submitted from one legislative body to another.

The Electoral College is not required by law or mandate to cast their vote in accordance with the “popular vote”.  Have they always voted in accordance with the “popular” vote? NO. Check out the elections of 1824, 1876, and 1888 (and let’s not forget 2000).

Your publicly-elected officials depend on campaign funds to get elected.  That is their lifeblood of existence.  PAC’s get their major funding from organized groups and corporate constituents, not from you.  When you write letters to public officials they are read by their staff and responded to (sometimes) on form letters using standard template content.  They only respond directly when it benefits their public image.  They serve who pays them to remain in power.  Period.

There has never, in the history of recorded elections, been an election for president, senator, governor or congressman, which was decided by a single popular vote.  The argument that “your vote counts” is null and void.  Groups of votes: yes.  One lone single vote: no.

Publicly-elected officials do not vote themselves into power.  They are voted into power by the public.  If you don’t like them, it’s the fault of the voters.

If you subscribe to the “two-party system” but would prefer only one party to hold positions of power, then you do not believe in “democracy” nor with a “two-party system” at all.  You are in fact supporting a one-party ideal, which is called Communism.  Communism was famous for standard grey uniforms, one-size of worn shoes, stale bread baked in batches to feed half of the population, and cars that break down every mile of driving.

I’m not asking you, not even suggesting that you not vote.  I’m just saying that we should stop lying to ourselves and our kids.  Be honest.  Call it what it is.  It’s still better than most other options currently available, and let’s be honest: it’s damn convenient that we were born here, right?  But if it looks like cat, meows like a cat, eats, sleeps, walks, and moves like a cat, and has a cat license tag, it’s probably a cat.  Don’t call it a Lion, at least not in front of the kids.  Ok?