Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Interviewing the candidates: Nancy Pelosi vs Olympia Snowe

Here I am again. This time it’s not about true election "candidates", but rival viewpoints of two incumbents. These are two of the key players in the ongoing debate over national health care reform.  Olympia Snowe, a Republican, and Nancy Pelosi, a Democrat.

Let's get it on...

Me: Welcome ladies. I'm so glad we could meet on such short notice.

Snowe: Was it your idea to meet in the lingerie section of the local WalMart?

Me: I thought it would help set a nice feminine atmosphere. I hope you're not offended?

Snowe: Offended? No. But I don't wear lingerie either.

Pelosi: She wears boxers. I mean seriously... Look at her! She played the one-armed bad guy in The Fugutuve. Remember?

Me: Oh yeah. No, wait...

Snowe: Listen you ditsy-ass nail-polish bitch. Back off or I'll show you one of those "jobs, jobs, jobs". Where was I?

Me: Well, I was going to ask about health care reform. Your thoughts?

Snowe: Nancy-pants doesn't know shit about that topic. The name is too long for her shriveled mind to handle. That bitch is bad news.

Pelosi: Shriveled?! What?...

Snowe: As I was about to say... We need it. But it'll never happen. No one can agree and big business has no desire to help you live longer.

Me: Why is that?

Snowe: Because... (Interrupted)

Pelosi: Because it doesn't translate into jobs, jobs, jobs. Let's vote for...

Snowe: Will you please shut your hole bitch? Because, the longer you live past retirement the more they have to pay out on retirement funds. The more the insurance companies have to fork out. The more cars you wreck and let's face it: diapers suck.

Pelosi: You mean "pork out". Those insurance guys are just diabolical. I was getting a cosmetic lift - and they denied my claim! Can you believe it?! The absurdity! Oh! Face lifts should be covered. Its just a fundamental part of our American culture.

Snowe: (staring blank in total disbelief...)

Pelosi: What? Don't look at me that way.

Snowe: I hope you're infertile.

Me: Will any health care reform bill be passed in this term?

Pelosi: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Snowe: Yes, but... it will be so watered down that it will be completely meaningless. Just the way we need it to be

Pelosi: Huh? No face lifts?

Snowe: I'm about to lift your face with my foot. Geez. What a stupid bitch

(At this point the ladies lurch out of their chairs and get into a violent fight on the floor. Customers are standing around. Eventually, a manager breaks it up and we move to the sporting goods section)

Snowe: That's what I call a knee job. Bitch.

Pelosi: Having trouble talking with a missing front tooth

Me: Ms. Pelosi, Why is Gitmo still open when Obama said it was ordered closed?

Pelosi: Can you tell I'm mithing my tooth?

Snowe: I'll tell you why, because Obama is not the real president. Barney Frank is controlling him. He's been hooked up with a laser-guided anal probe remote control and a long cable. Haven't you noticed they never show hime below the waste up close?

Pelosi: That's not true! They keep the camera up high so they don't show me blowing him. That's a fact!

Me: (speechless)

Snowe: I told you that bitch is bad news.

Me: ok, that's a wrap. Thank you ladies for taking time from your busy schedule to allow me to interview you.

Pelosi: Ith my pleasure. And thank you Thenator Thnowe

Snowe: whatever

Pelosi: Ooh, the “hello kitty” hunting vethhhht lookth really thweet.

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