“Scoop the Poop” isn’t about Dog Shit. It’s Bullshit

I was walking my Beagle on the beach last weekend and for whatever reason (ok, I know the reason, but let’s just move along) she had to stop and drop a load in the sand.  This is on the “North Beach” area, which is one of the THE most sparse places on the shore of Virginia Beach.  I can typically count every human in sight on one hand.  My dog finishes, I scooped a hole, nudged it in and buried it.  Within seconds, some middle-aged white guy runs up and smiles and says “you should pick that up, you know.”  Problem is I didn’t have a baggie, nor any gloves, nor a shovel, nor a God damned care in the F***ing world to go with it.

I said “whatever.” and started to walk on in the direction I was already going.  He started walking beside me, continues trying to make his point and save the planet Earth for all living creatures.

“If you leave that, some child will dig into it.”

I said “with the daily tides, it will be long dissolved and gone by morning.”

“Well, it creates an E-Coli problem for the beach water.”

I said “really?!  ONE DOG can do ALL THAT?”

“Well, if everyone felt that way, then…”

“Then what? You’re saying I can control or influence what every other dog owner does on this beach?!  Really?!  And by the way:  It takes quite a bit more ‘fecal matter’ to create enough E Coli quantity in parts-per-million before beach swimmers would have to worry.”

“It’s just bad for the environment” (with an obnoxious shrug and smile)

“So are you.”

Which brings me to this quasi-scientifc hypothesis:

Assuming that the quantity of “wildlife”, particularly fur-covered mammals, was higher in the years prior to mankind arriving, how did the environment ever survive their massive quantities of fecal matter?  If the conditions have changed such that the non-human mammal count has been DRASTICALLY reduced from 1500 to 2010, and the human population has increased from 4 or 5 to 437,000, well, gee, I wonder what factor has led to environmental impact?  Hmmmm… Finger’s tapping, staring up to the left or right.

Now, let me say that I don’t think anyone wants dog poop laying around on sidewalks and streets.  But on “nature trails” and secluded beaches I say: Dogs! Drop your loads!

Oh, and by the way, all along this particular area of beach are wild foxes living in the dunes.  Who picks up their droppings?  How much damage are they creating for the environment?  This whole thing reminds of a South Park episode.   Sometimes I wish a pack of dogs would dig a big hole and bury these idiot dumbasses and save our mental environment.

What Constitutes Humane Treatment?

This is one for the lawyers to debate over martini’s of course, but I felt bold enough to propose this discussion for whomever cares.

The “neighbor” who lives behind me (term used extremely loose here) actually comes to the house about once per week.  The other six days it sits quiet, except for his two dogs: a Beagle and a black Lab.  They remain outdoors 24 x 7 x 365 regardless of weather.  I mean that most sincerely.  Heavy rain (including Nor-Easter storms, hurricanes, etc.), snow and ice, strong wind, extreme heat (above 95), day and night.  They remain outside in the yard.  They also bark 24 x 7 x 365.  I’ve called the city and the animal control folks, but they say the same thing every time they stop by to check on it:

“He left food out and they have a cover to hide under, so there’s nothing more we can do.  They are being cared for.”

I’m sure that last night when the temperature dropped into the upper 20’s (F) that their bowl of “water” was anything but liquified.  How they survive is beyond my comprehension given the lack of interaction I’ve seen.  In fact, when the “neighbor” does stop by the house, he always does the same thing as if it is a ritual of some kind:

He walks in.  Throws a piece of the food he’s eating on the ground.  When the dogs get excited and jump on him, he kicks them.  He doesn’t nudge or shove them.  He kicks them. 

I have a dream that one day I will look out of my window and see the dogs attack him and chew his nuts off.  I would probably laugh myself so hard I’d pull a muscle, but I wouldn’t call for help until they were done with him.  I think that would be fair.  I wish Mother Nature would take care of this.  Maybe there’s a self-help book for dogs that teaches them to become more confident and more like Pit Bulls.

A Flaw with Mother Nature

I thought Nature was fault-proof.  What often seems like a mistake usually turns out to have a rational explanation that justifies it.  But I found one glaring mistake:

Ever notice how animals (mammals in particular) in cold climates often have white covering?  White fur.  White feathers (ok, fowl, not mammal, but indulge me for a moment please?) and so on.  But their shit isn’t white.  A-ha!!  A major goof.  All this camoflage and stealth and yet they drop a glaring brown turd on top of the pristine white snow blanket?  Say what?!  If Nature was foolproof, their turds would be white also.  And I’m talking about white turds from the moment of the “big pinch” not just after they freeze.  I’m lodging a complaint.

Conversations with my Cat

Here’s a list of things my cat said over the past week (I speak cat):

“Scratch me.  Now!”

“feed me, dammit!”

“let me out, right now!!!”

“let me back in, dammit!”

“why do we have a stupid dog?”

“why is that other cat on our lawn?!”

“let me out again.  now!!”

“i’m taking a dump.  don’t watch me!”

“i’m pretty.  worship me, stupid human.”

“scratch me again, right now.”

Because I Said So, That’s Why!

Nothing says “I love you” as much as spoonfeeding shit in mass quantities to those around you.  I’ve done this rant many times before, to people that know me this is a regurgitation, but with a twist of lime this time around.

“Dolphin Safe”

Most kids under 30 don’t really know what this term infers.  To those of us over 30 (or 40) it’s an obvious reference to the Tuna industry and their fight to win public acceptance of their eco-friendly methods of mass-collecting and killing natures tastiest creatures (no, not the pizza-fish, the Tuna).

Documentaries went crazy with stories of enormous, wide-cast nets, dragged for miles over the open sea, catching Tuna, but also catching Dolphin, Tortoises, and almost anything else swimming in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The public supposedly became “insensed” at this disregard for nature, although I’ve never seen Americans get upset at anything since the great corporate brainwashing project ended the 60’s free love movement.  The only thing we get upset about now is cancelling our favorite TV shows.

So the canners got together in the bar next to the golf course and concocted this idea of stamping all the cans as “Dolphin Safe” and saying they were using “newer technology” to spare the dolphins and tortoises and only catch those tasty, benign, nutritional Tuna.  Sure.  Magic nets somehow can tell a Tuna from a Dolphin, regardless of those two overlapping significantly in the realm of physical dimensions.  Ever been out to sea on a Tuna boat?  Ever watched them reel the “catch” in?  (I love that term “catch” when we’re talking about nets that can reel in an entire stadium)

But “they” say it’s “Dolphin Safe”, so it must be!  Right?

The axiom here?  If you spoonfeed enough shit, for a long-enough time span, the masses will not only accept it as normal, but will eventually relish it, and even worship it.

We are still being spoonfed shit, but the media production is far more savvy and convincing.  That “long-enough” caveate is now almost 24 hours.  The “enough” (quantity reference) is now roughly about 3 major networks.  So, using this new media capability with the old axiom, we get an equation as follows:

3n * 24h = MA

This translates into 3 (major) networks, spoon-feeding 24 hours of shit to the public, results in Mass Acceptance as fact and norm.  It’s a perfect formula.  It works for WMDs, invasion plans, bank bail-outs, flu pandemics, vaccine distribution, multi-national treaties, corruption scandals, and so on.  Everyone has an agenda if they (a) have a communication channel, and (b) a budget.  The budget is what ties them to an agenda.  Parent companies, contracts, partnerships, PAC’s, you name it.  There is no such thing as “no strings attached”.  Even those Dolphins know that.  But they’re safe, right?  After all: It says so right on the can.

Busting Another Myth: Dog Poo is Destroying our World

Myth: Dog Feces is Bad for the Environment

I would have thought this was obviously dumb, but I suppose I need to digress into this and flesh out the rationale behind why this is just flat-out stupid.

Assuming that before mankind arrived in high numbers to this wonderful land of “ours” (translation: the piece of land we stole from the Indians), there were likely a much higher population of wildlife than there are today.  A MUCH higher population.  That would also imply more wildlife fecal matter.  Before the East Coast was settled, there were large numbers of deer, bear, foxes and wolves and all sorts of furry mammal critters living all over the place.  Did their poop destroy the forests?  Did it destroy the fish with the runoff?  Now we have VASTLY fewer animals per square mile in 2009 than were here in 1809, with the remainder filled (or over-filled) with humans (the other dumb mammal that does stupid shit).  Given that humans, for the most part, do their dirty business into a toilet, and that the byproduct is routed by sewer lines to a treatment plant, that means there is much less fecal matter laying around per square mile than one hundred years ago.  Much less.  If every dog alive did a doody on their owner’s front lawn, it wouldn’t come close to 1/100th of the total volume of doody from back then.  Yet, somehow, it DESTROYS the environment.  If you still believe that, you suck at math.

Part 2 – If you live near a park with a lake or a pond, you may have come to see a Goose or two.  If so, you may also notice just how much poo a Goose tends to drop as they walk around acting as stupid as a typical human car driver.  Just in the park across the street from our house, on an average day, there will be about two dozen Canadian or white geese grazing and pooping like little doody machines.  The size and mass of their droppings is about the same as that of a small dog.  However, they doody at about 1000 times the rate of a small dog.  If you have a small dog and it poops every minute, it has serious problems.  However, this is normal for a Goose.  Does Goose fecal matter destroy the environment?  Are there actually people that walk behind them and scoop their poop?  I sure hope not.

Sure, Geese eat grass and vegetation, while dogs eat meat and vegetation.  Foxes, beer and other animals eat meat too.

Granted, nobody wants dog poo everywhere.  It sucks to step in it, and it smells bad.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t “curb your dog”, but let’s be honest about the logic behind it.  Pick up because it’s the decent thing to do.  Not because of some bullshit “green” storyline.  If this dumbass P.C. mindset continues on, I would expect to see a law passed that requires dog owners to attach a poop sensor on their dogs.  It would count the poops and transmit the location of the drop and date/time.  Automatically sending a bill to the owner for carbon footprint damage to the environment.  Think I’m kidding?  Think again.

Apparently, the approach of asking people to pick up just to be nice wasn’t working.  So they have to pin another reason on it: The environment.  That’s right.  Animals pooping destory the world.  So don’t forget to pick up after your racoon, squirrel, rabbit, fox, deer, bear, and so on.  After all: wildlife has now become Nature’s enemy.

Busting a Few Myths

Some of the absurd folklore I’ve heard lately that I wanted to “address”, if I may…

Myth: Using Human Shampoo on Dogs is Bad for Them

This is a creature that, very often, eats the feces left generously behind by other creatures.  Namely cats.  They often roll in their own dung, dig holes in the yard (or better: neighbor’s yard), and will eat almost anything that humans would consider “spoiled” or “rotten”.  Even if your particular canine doesn’t partake in these entertaining hobbies, they will very likely drink from the toilet if they get thirsty.  I can’t think of a human that would voluntarily drink from a toilet, even if they were dehydrated to the point of death.  Yet, somehow, for some reason, using “our” shampoo on them is “bad”.  Yeah.  Sure.  Ok.  Whatever. 

This myth is completely busted.  No logic exists to make this true.

Myth: Watering Your Lawn at Night Will Kill It

I’ve heard this twice.  Both times in a circle of people all nodding in agreement as if it were scientific fact.  The rationale is always the same: watering at night allows the moisture to sit on the blades of grass without evaporating and promotes mildew and mold and kills the grass.  So, I ask the same question:  So, every time it rains at night, your lawn dies the next day?  “No, because that’s natural water” they say.  Natural water (whatever that is, water is water, it’s the foreign ingredients that vary, not the water), is supposedly healthier?  It has magical anti-bacterial properties?  Wrong!  It contains far more organic matter and contaminants (bacteria, etc.) than tap water does, and tap water contains Chlorine, Fluoride and a host of other treatment chemicals to (get this) stave off the growth of bacteria and other organisms.   So how can putting tap water on grass, at night, promote bacteria growth, yet rain water will not?

Another myth completely busted.

Myth: Cell Phones Cause Automotive Accidents

No, idiots cause accidents.  Idiots are people who can’t multitask, yet still insist on trying it at the worst possible times.  Take away their cell phone, and they will be distracted by their radio controls, or talking to the poor helpless victim in the passenger seat.  You know, the kind of person that, for whatever reason, simply HAS to turn their head and face you and make eye contact in order to have a conversation?  Those people.  They can’t talk and wipe their ass at the same time.  They can’t turn off the faucet while brushing their teeth, and so on.  Yes, these are the people that even if you take away their scissors, they will fall on a spoon and hurt themselves.  So, go ahead and let them ban cell phones, but watch the statistical data and you will absolutely see for yourself that the number of automotive accidents will not decline, it will continue to rise.

Another myth busted, but I’m sure some of you will still think it stands

Myth: Cats are Smarter Than Dogs

My dog totally disagrees.  Myth is absolutely busted.

Things that go Bump in the Night: Pets

I was awaken the night before last at 3 A.M. (ok, that's "morning") by the sound of something scurrying around in a frenzy and knocking into picture frames, lamps, vases, things on the floor. Half-awake at first, I figured it was our cat chasing after a cricket or small bug, not unusual. But this was much more serious sounding so I turned the light on. I was downstairs and looked over to the stairs to see our cat gazing intently at one of my daughter's hamsters. The hamster looked oblivious and was trying to reach down to the next step beneath it, while the cat was trying to figure out how to eat it most quickly. I managed to scare the cat away and get the little guy into a laundry basket and back into his cage in my daughter's room. With all the noise and me asking for help, nobody woke up. Not a good test of our readiness for a "real" emergency. Both critters are safe and healthy now.