Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hampton Roads: The Official FAQ

Here it is Hampton Roaders: your unofficial official FAQ for everything Hampton Roadsy!

What is a Hampton Roads?

It’s a collection of cities that cannot get along and work together over anything, even though most of them have residents that work in neighboring, yet evil, cities.

Where did the name Hampton Roads come from?

It was derived from a poker game back in 1852 between Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.  The winner got to drag the loser behind a horse at full speed down a gravel road that connected Norfolk and Hampton, prior to the last ice age.  Over time the name has been more associate with the least-functioning aspect of our region: roads.  As in: you will sit on our roads until you die of old age.

What cities are part of Hampton Roads?

Norfolk, and Virginia Beach are the important ones.  The others just want free beer and a ride on Federal and State budgets.  You just can’t keep those thugs out of a good party, I’m tellin ya.  The riff-raft are: Hampton, Newport News, Chesapeake, Portsmouth, Suffolk, and Yorktown. Some argue that Williamsburg, Smithfield and Surry are included, but those people are crack addicts.

What are the major industries / jobs in Hampton Roads?

Since the area is owned and operated by the U.S. Department of Defense, pretty much anything that buys from, sells to, or services our men and women in service is fair game.  Tourism is pretty big too, but only for bringing in people who act rude and leave their trash everywhere and split town.  If you’re looking for a job, keep moving on to the next town.  We don’t want you homeless folks here.

What’s the climate like?

Winters are sissy-fied with cloudy cool averages in the upper 30’s, occassionally dropping into the 20’s, but only long enough to hear people whine and cry about their heating bills.  Summers are warm and humid, with clouds and clouds of biting mosquitoes to keep you busy.

Education

We gotz schools, beyoch.  But you can’t afford em unless you be from somewhere up North where they gotz money.

Crime

Only in the bad places.  Keep yo ass inside your crib and you’ll be safe.  Maybe.

Sports?

We have none.  You got a TV don’t you?!

Entertainment?

Clubs, parks, nature, traffic and idiots attempting to drive in traffic.

Transportation Systems

That’s hilarious.  You think we give a damn about you getting “from A to B” around here?  Ha!!  The roads are designed to prevent you from leaving.  There are buses, but they don’t go where you want to go.  It’s cars or walk - beyoches.  Hurricane evacuation plans rank high with Elvis sightings.  Mythical is the word.

City by City attractions:

Hampton ummm…
Chesapeake Um, hold on. I’m thinking…
Portsmouth ummmmmm…. crap.  I forgot.
Virginia Beach Beaches, Parks, Shops, Clubs, Restaurants
Norfolk All the above except for beaches
Yorktown Civil war battlefields.  Neato
Newport News uhhhh… oh yea! Newport News Park, and Noland Trail
Suffolk Peanuts and lean-to’s
Williamsburg Busch Gardens

Stay Tuned – More to be added…

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