Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dave's Hurricane Survival Guide

Living here in Virginia, I've experienced my share of hurricanes and Nor-Easters (quite often more damaging than hurricanes actually).  Every time they announce a new name and show that dreaded "cone" of destructive fate, my inlaws and siblings start e-mailing and calling, making sure we're taking it seriously and are ready for the "event".

First off, yes.  Living here, we have eyeballs like Iguanas that can focus one eyeball on what we're doing, with the other on the TV or computer screen.  It can be confusing. For example, when having sex, it's not uncommon to scream out "Category 5!!!!!" when reaching climax.  At this point, you partner might instinctively jump to grab a sheet of plywood and a cordless electric screw-driver.  You get used to it after a while.

So, what exactly should you gather in preparation for a hurricane?  I'm glad you asked, even if you really didn't, but I pretended that you did, in which case, I'll entertain the voices in my head.  Shhhh, it'll be ok.

Quite often, folks who aren't familiar with the "Hurricane way of life" will ask "are you going to evacuate?"  This has to be one of the funniest jokes ever. I wonder if anyone really believes it's possible to do that in this area?  We can't move traffic on our roads on ANY normal day, so what do you think will happen when they smile and say "now, calmly pack everything you own and evacuate to avoid absolute destruction." ?  Take my professional advice: stay home and seek entertainment.

Batteries? Water? Flashlights?  Canned foods?  Propane tanks?

Not really.  Those are ok if you intend on "surviving", but if you want to truly "enjoy" your rare hurricane experience, you need to modify your list just a little:

  • Propane - for cooking dead things on your cheap, rusty grill
  • Beer - LOTS and LOTS of beer
  • Chain Saw - for cutting down fallen trees, fighting off zombies, and attacking your neighbors when you run out of supplies and they begin taunting you
  • Canned Food - ignore the fat content, focus on the protein and carbs
  • Exedrin - for the hangovers you get from washing down your grilled pork and squirrel meat with cases of warm beer
  • Baseball Bat - to fend off roaming gangs of pillagers, and tenderizing small furry animals for grilling
  • Gasoline Can - for the chain saw and lighting shit on fire when you get bored after five days without power
  • A Gun - for whatever.  after a case of beer you'll find creative things to do with it.  For example, shooting at your half-empty propane tank on your driveway
  • A Smartphone - to surf the Internet while you wait for power to come back on.  Don't forget to buy one of those cigarette lighter power adapters to keep it charged from your car or truck (every self-respecting man has a truck anyway)
  • A Bullhorn - this is probably THE single most important item to have on hand.  After your second case of beer is consume, you'll understand completely

Enjoy!  And stay safe!

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