Wednesday, October 3, 2012

A Better Way to Choose a Leader

I'm sure I'm not alone in my extreme dislike for the entire political campaign process.  It's devolved into a soup of meaningless marketing noise and useless rhetoric.  The noise level keeps rising, the solutions fade off into the far distance, with little hope in sight of any real answers.

Add to this the pollution of our environment by campaign signs, which serve NO PURPOSE other than distracting our tired eyeballs from more important things (like the vehicle in front of you).  There's also the audio noise on the radio, and audio-visual noise on every TV station and many web sites, and well, I'm ready to puke.

Now comes the "big debate".  Oh boy.  As if having your skin pealed off slowly isn't bad enough, now they want to yank out your fingernails.  Is there no relief?  Is there no end in sight?

I have some ideas to make this a more enjoyable process.  Instead of future debates, maybe we could suggest some alternatives:

The Island of Death

Drop both candidates off on a deserted tropical island.  No supplies, no food, nothing.  The one who survives is the obvious choice.  After all, if they can't save their own life, how can we expect them to save our country's economy?

Foreign Relations Obstacle Course

Each candidate is outfitted with red, white and blue clothing, adorned with U.S. flags and stars, etc.  Then they are dropped into the streets of downtown Jalalabad in the early morning.  Their goal is to make it to the Indian or Afghan border alive, and uninjured by midnight.  If they can negotiate their way out with deft reasoning and shrewd political skill, maybe they have what it takes to negotiate on the world stage after all.

Countdown to Oblivion

Each candidate is outfitted with a locked vest which contains a bomb.  They must convince at least one detainee in Guantanamo Bay to give them the key to unlock it before the time runs out and it detonates.  Again, this will prove their negotiation and arbitration skills to their fullest potential.

Submit a Resume and Interview for the Job

Each candidate must submit a blind resume (no name or identifying information) to a board of reviewers that consists of college professors, police officers, military personnel, school teachers, construction workers, fast food workers, medical technicians, firefighters, garbage collectors, and six random shoppers gathered from the Walmart in downtown Miami at 2:00 AM on a Saturday.  If each reviewer gives their resume a 75%, it then moves on to the Island of Death for final competition.

Crack House

Each candidate must survive for one week, unassisted, in a randomly chosen crack house in an urban American city.  Every minute would be recorded and televised for our entertainment of course.

Wife Swap

Each candidate swaps households, spouses, and families with the other for one week.  Whichever candidate is preferred by their opponent's spouse wins.  In the event of a tie, they're both sent to Countdown to Oblivion.

Qualifying by Experience

All candidates should be required to have worked one full month in at least four of the following jobs, without ANY special assistance or support:

  • Eighth Grade Public School Teacher
  • Nurse Assistant in a large U.S. inner city public hospital
  • Police Officer in Newark, NJ or Los Angeles, CA, night shift only
  • Garbage Collector in Camden, NJ
  • Fast Food cook at a rural southern town Hardees
  • Point man on foot patrol in the Korengal Valley of Afghanistan
  • Dock worker in a New Jersey shipping terminal
  • An apprentice chef under Gordon Ramsay
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