Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Candidates

Ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America: Here is your top-shelf list of candidates to lead your country.  This represents the BEST OF THE BEST.  These are the absolute BEST of what we, as a nation, can offer.  There are NO better choices to be had.  If there were, they'd be running (and on the list).  Enjoy!

Candidate Party Values
Obama D Lead by Committee
Perry R Lead by Corporate Dictation
Romney R Lead by Hair Gel
Bachman R Lead by Xanax
Palin R Lead by reality show TV ratings
Santorum R Lead by head in toilet
Huntsman R Lead by following (way in the back)
Alexander R Who?
Paul R Lead by avoiding the GOP and Fox
Person L Seriously?
Miller R Wha?
McMillan R Oh come on... Muttonchops??!
Martin R Ok, this isn't funny
McCotter R I'm not laughing, stop it...
Karger R (blank stare)
Johnson R (deep sigh, blank stare)
Gingrich R (wide-eyed blank stare w/furrough brow)
Cain R (cough)
Gary L (deep sigh)
Terry R (nothing, absolutely nothing at all)
Wrights L As if?
Wuensche R Are you fucking crazy?!

There it is: your candidates to lead your country into the next four year term.  My prediction is that this is all a sick joke perpetrated by the Taliban.  Ok, I get it. I get it now.  Real funny.  So funny I forgot to laugh.  Each election year I think it can't possibly get worse, and every time I'm proven wrong.

Seriously: We are fucking doomed.


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