Ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America: Here is your top-shelf list of candidates to lead your country. This represents the BEST OF THE BEST. These are the absolute BEST of what we, as a nation, can offer. There are NO better choices to be had. If there were, they'd be running (and on the list). Enjoy!
|Obama||D||Lead by Committee|
|Perry||R||Lead by Corporate Dictation|
|Romney||R||Lead by Hair Gel|
|Bachman||R||Lead by Xanax|
|Palin||R||Lead by reality show TV ratings|
|Santorum||R||Lead by head in toilet|
|Huntsman||R||Lead by following (way in the back)|
|Paul||R||Lead by avoiding the GOP and Fox|
|McMillan||R||Oh come on... Muttonchops??!|
|Martin||R||Ok, this isn't funny|
|McCotter||R||I'm not laughing, stop it...|
|Johnson||R||(deep sigh, blank stare)|
|Gingrich||R||(wide-eyed blank stare w/furrough brow)|
|Terry||R||(nothing, absolutely nothing at all)|
|Wuensche||R||Are you fucking crazy?!|
There it is: your candidates to lead your country into the next four year term. My prediction is that this is all a sick joke perpetrated by the Taliban. Ok, I get it. I get it now. Real funny. So funny I forgot to laugh. Each election year I think it can't possibly get worse, and every time I'm proven wrong.
Seriously: We are fucking doomed.