Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Candidates

Ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America: Here is your top-shelf list of candidates to lead your country.  This represents the BEST OF THE BEST.  These are the absolute BEST of what we, as a nation, can offer.  There are NO better choices to be had.  If there were, they'd be running (and on the list).  Enjoy!

Candidate Party Values
Obama D Lead by Committee
Perry R Lead by Corporate Dictation
Romney R Lead by Hair Gel
Bachman R Lead by Xanax
Palin R Lead by reality show TV ratings
Santorum R Lead by head in toilet
Huntsman R Lead by following (way in the back)
Alexander R Who?
Paul R Lead by avoiding the GOP and Fox
Person L Seriously?
Miller R Wha?
McMillan R Oh come on... Muttonchops??!
Martin R Ok, this isn't funny
McCotter R I'm not laughing, stop it...
Karger R (blank stare)
Johnson R (deep sigh, blank stare)
Gingrich R (wide-eyed blank stare w/furrough brow)
Cain R (cough)
Gary L (deep sigh)
Terry R (nothing, absolutely nothing at all)
Wrights L As if?
Wuensche R Are you fucking crazy?!

There it is: your candidates to lead your country into the next four year term.  My prediction is that this is all a sick joke perpetrated by the Taliban.  Ok, I get it. I get it now.  Real funny.  So funny I forgot to laugh.  Each election year I think it can't possibly get worse, and every time I'm proven wrong.

Seriously: We are fucking doomed.


1 comment:

it's Erin, bitches! said...

I was just talking about this, actually. Here's my summation:
Obama He's black, eggs are white, breakfast is ruined!
Perry Engaged in spiritual warfare, if he doesn't win then clearly he wasn't evangelical enough and God hates him.
Romney better start drinking more tea at those parties.
Palin Hahahahahaha
Huntsman Mormon. Not Mormon. Mormon. Not Mormon.
Alexander Who's this guy? Seriously, how'd he get in? He's on the list? How'd he get on the list?
Miller Stick him at the unknowns table with Alexander.
McMillan Has yet to realize that YouTube users are not a viable constituency.
Martin Oh yeah, the chainletter guy. "Obama is a muslim, oh yea vote 4 me if you don't fwd this to 15 friends by midnite YOUR GONNA DIE"
McCotter Some sweet guitar riffs can save the country.
Karger A gay republican. I think we can trust this guy to vote against his best interests.
Johnson Is he even allowed to call himself a Republican?
Gingrich Skeletons in the closet. Literally.
Cain The token black Republican - the party's attempt at "see, we aren't all old white guys!"
Gary Anyone else find it kind of funny that the Libertarians always meet in the library?
Terry A snowball in hell has a better chance.
Wrights Hah.
Wuensche Stick him with Miller and Alexander.