Monday, August 22, 2011

Proper Use of Capital Punishment

If I were voted emperor of the Universe, the following crimes against humanity would be punishable by immediate and painful death:

  • Rubber-necking in traffic
  • Debating which operating system is "superior" in the workplace
  • Hogging the left lane and driving below the posted speed limit
  • Failing to use a turn signal when turning
  • Driving with a dog or child in your lap behind the wheel
  • Making comments about legislation for which you have not read the actual Bill
  • Hit and run
  • Bumper stickers that aren't funny
  • Serving "lite" beer in a drinking establishment
  • Watching Hardees commercials
  • Debating politics in the workplace
  • Debating religion in the workplace
  • Soliciting on private property
  • Bad acting
  • Playing the same song more than once per day on any radio station
  • Opening a vehicle door into passing traffic without looking first
  • Letting your kids get as fat as you before they turn 10
  • Letting your Pit Bull roam without a leash around childrens playgrounds

Lesser Punishment Crimes

  • Breaking the laws of uniqueness:
    • Joining a group of similar vehicles in traffic (same make and model and color)
    • Joining a group of similar vehicles wearing identical apparel (the same leather vest, Nazi helmet and same tattoos)
    • Punishable by stamping a serial number on your forehead to clearly indicate your intentions are to follow the lead of every other idiot around you.

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