If I were voted emperor of the Universe, the following crimes against humanity would be punishable by immediate and painful death:
- Rubber-necking in traffic
- Debating which operating system is "superior" in the workplace
- Hogging the left lane and driving below the posted speed limit
- Failing to use a turn signal when turning
- Driving with a dog or child in your lap behind the wheel
- Making comments about legislation for which you have not read the actual Bill
- Hit and run
- Bumper stickers that aren't funny
- Serving "lite" beer in a drinking establishment
- Watching Hardees commercials
- Debating politics in the workplace
- Debating religion in the workplace
- Soliciting on private property
- Bad acting
- Playing the same song more than once per day on any radio station
- Opening a vehicle door into passing traffic without looking first
- Letting your kids get as fat as you before they turn 10
- Letting your Pit Bull roam without a leash around childrens playgrounds
Lesser Punishment Crimes
- Breaking the laws of uniqueness:
- Joining a group of similar vehicles in traffic (same make and model and color)
- Joining a group of similar vehicles wearing identical apparel (the same leather vest, Nazi helmet and same tattoos)
- Punishable by stamping a serial number on your forehead to clearly indicate your intentions are to follow the lead of every other idiot around you.
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