Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Knowing Who to Vote for in Hampton Roads: 2009

It’s more important than ever to get the scoop on the candidates running for public offices in Hampton Roads, Virginia.  However, getting clear, unfiltered, unbiased information about each candidate is becoming more and more difficult.  Well, fear no more.  Here is the clearest run-down on all of your local candidates, to help you decide for yourself who will provide the most benefit to you, your family, your schools, your job and your community.


Bob McDonnell (R)
Hates Creigh Deeds.  Says Deeds will raise taxes, enslave your children, eat your dog and cat, and burn down your house and force you into slave labor camps.  Hair stamped from a mold.  He suffers from lowerlipshititis, which affects his ability to move his lips articulately when lying to the public.
Creigh Deeds (D)
Hates Bob McDonnell.  Says Bob will raise taxes, enslave your children, eat your dog and cat, and burn down your house and force you into slave labor camps.  Some say he can’t be trusted because his head was cropped off.  Makes a mean pasta dish, but uses Ragu in a jar.
Outcome: Deeds will appear to win, but it will actually be McDonnell in a skin suit made from the hide of Deeds, whom he kills the night before.

Lieutenant Governor

Bill Bolling (R)
Looks like one of the creepy beer-drinking coaches of one of my son’s sports teams, that never won any games.  Bill isn’t related to any of them, but because he looks like one of them, I don’t like him.  His agenda is simple: “Jody will destroy the world!”
Jody Wagner (D)
Has a smile like a sunny day and a cute voice that makes everyone forget who the hell she is.  Ten minutes of watching her speak about Lieutenant-ing, whatever that is, and you forget there’s even an erection going on. Oops.  I meant election.  That’s it – gotta stop drinking!
Outcome: Um, what the hell does a Lt. Governor even do anyway?!

Attorney General

Ken Cuccinelli (R)
Ken wears suits, and spends half of his budget on his hair.  The rest is spent on prosecuting bad guys and making commercials to tell you he spends half his budget on prosecuting bad guys.  His platform?  Steve dresses like a dork!
Steve Shannon (D)
Steve, Steve, Steve.  What are we going to do man?  I’ve told you a hundred times (if ever) to always wear a suit when you’re getting photographed.  C’mon man? Nobody trusts a lawyer.  Especially one that can’t afford a nice dark suit.  Platform: Where’s the beer?
Outcome: Ken wins because he’s better dressed than dorky Steve.  Nobody cares what an Atty General does anyway.  Let’s face it: It’s a stepping stone to Governor and President.  Maybe Emperor of the Universe!!

Virginia House of Delegates (aka “House of Degenerates”): 83rd District

Chris Stolle (R )
Hates Joe Bouchard and his whole family.  Says Joe will force your children to learn Spanish and convert to Islam (unless you already are, in which case: Branch Davidian).  Platform: “How can you trust a guy with a name that sounds like “Douchard”?
Joe Bouchard (D)
Hates Chris Stolle and his whole family.  Hates is dog and cat too. Says Chris is a closest homo that cross-dresses on weekends at Boy Scout meetings.  Platform: “Chris will raise taxes!   And stop saying Bouchard rhymes with Douchard!”
Outcome: Bouchard wins but nobody cares.  Then again, maybe Stolle will win.  Does it really matter?

Virginia House of Delegates: 21st District

Bobby Mathieson (D)
Says Ron looks like that dwarf that played on Fantasy Island.  Says Ron will have to raise taxes to afford to grow his hair longer, which will only infuriate Muslims to want to attack us more.  Grins a lot for no reason.  Platform: “I can too grow hair, dammit!”
Ron Villanueva (R )
Makes jokes about Bobby’s hair (or lack thereof).  Says Bobby has more hair in his mustache than on his head, a clear indication of his inability to manage resource allocation properly.  Likes looking up to his left and staring for hours on end. Platform: “Bobby can’t grow hair, naah naah nee naah nah!”
Outcome? Villanueva will win.  Not because he has a better plan or agenda, but because he looks more trustworthy.  After all, that’s how American’s pick a winner.

Virginia House of Delegates: 82nd District

Bob Purkey (R)
Has white hair, wears a suit, glasses, and talks in monotone with big words like “address”, “resolve”, “innovate”.  Platform: “Those young bastards don’t know shit!”
Peter Schmidt (D)
Has yellow-ish hair, wears a suit, glasses, and talks in monotone with slighly smaller words like “awesome”, “fo-shizzle” and “beyoch”.  Platform: “Hey, fuck you old man!”
John Parmele (I)
Doesn’t wear glasses.  Platform: “I had Lasik done.  It rocks!”
Outcome? Schmidt will take out Purkey in four moves, finishing him off with a figure-four choke hold.  Parmele will jump in and get Schmidt in a choke hold, but will succumb to the after-effects of Schmidt’s Burrito dinner from the night before.  Schmidt wins, but it will smell awful.

House of Degenerates: 85th District

Bob Tata (R )
Looks like a late-night infomercial for a juicing machine, which is handy since his platform is “eat more fiber kids!”  His opponent chides him for having one eyebrow darker than the other, which obviously can’t be trusted.
French Mackes (D)
A Pisces who enjoys the outdoors, fishing, soccer, ballet and knitting.  Speaks 24 African languages fluently and can recite the Lyrics to Straight Outa Compton after consuming a 40.  Platform: “Fiber is for sissies!”
Outcome? Doesn’t matter.  Either one of these guys takes the cake for stupid names that will distract their constituents from their boneheaded mistakes.


Other cities in Hampton Roads really don’t matter.  The news only mentions them in case someone might be watching and not have already downed a whole bottle of NyQuil.  That way they have enough gusto to participate in RATINGS.  For the most part however, they only care about Norfolk and Virginia Beach.

So, remember Hampton Roaders: Get out and Vote.  Vote like your vote really counts.  Because we’re counting on you to count your vote as being countable.  After all, every vote counts*.  Ok, just “get out” and, if you have time, vote.

* votes subject to not being counted if the moon is full, a war is in progress, the tides are rising or falling, the polls are closed or if there are any traffic back-ups anywhere in the region within 24 hours of the election polling cycle.  Void where prohibited, taxed, or believed in.  Actual results may vary and often do.  In fact they have never NOT varied from what was promised to voters.  Batteries not included.

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