Tuesday, October 29, 2013

10 Questions with Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein


Does this guy really need one?  If you really need to read about him, at least hit up Wikipedia.

The Questions

Dave:  You certainly led an interesting life.  Your contributions are still legendary, and even your views on politics and religion remain cited today.  If you were still alive today what you say to that?

Al:  Uh.  I'd probably say something like "put me back in the ground!!" or "hey! I'm like 137 years old! Leave me the heck alone!".  Seriously, stop taking religion and politics so seriously.  As what's-his-name once said "In the end, we're all dead anyway."  So enjoy a good sunrise. A good meal.  The laugh of children.  A good song.  And never underestimate the joy of experiencing a huge explosion once in a while.

Dave:  Ok. Seriously. What do you think of the current state of quantum physics, molecular mechanics, dark energy, and all that impressive-sounding mumbo-jumbo stuff?  Do these young punks today hold a candle to the guys from your class?

Al: I could kick Mr. Hawking's ass without breaking a sweat.  However, I'd have to run some calculations on the energy conversion rate to validate that.  Now, I'm not so sure I'd have an issue with Mr. Brian Cox.  He seems like a rather fun gentleman to, as they used to day: party down with.  I would expect his statistical odds of attracting members of the opposite sex to places of ill repute to be on the side of optimistic endeavor.

Dave:  (Silence. Blank stare.  For a full minute) If you could observe what America has accomplished, and failed at, over the years since you succumbed to the matters of biological exhaustion, what would you say has been done well, and what has not been done well?

Al:  Your obsession with consumption without regard to true quality is rather strange.  I mean, seriously, fifty brands of barbecue sauce?  Twenty brands and types of yogurt?  How many channels of your so-called "TV" are actually worth watching?  And you pay extra for that?  Very disturbing.  This whole Kardashian thing hits me in the gut like watching old black-and-white prison camp films.  Ugh.  No more.  Please.

Dave:  Okay.  Moving along now.  What could we do better from a national perspective?

Al:  You could consider shifting your economic funding base from a military industrial origin to a national infrastructure origin.

Dave: A whut?

Al:  Instead of shoving your promising, over-eager, Red Bull infused high-schoolers through boot camps, and out into desert shit-holes to hunt down a bunch of bad-smelling lice-collectors, you could look into spending a little tax money on fixing up your own house.  Build some better transportation systems.  Grow this thing you call the Internet to reach all of the interior regions, overlooked by the coastal folks.

Do something to improve your education and higher education systems, for God's sake.  And I don't even consider myself religious.  You know, I'm actually officially an Agnostic, but I have said on more than one occasion that I do entertain the possibility of a conscienceless, or pantheistic "god".  I don't believe he or she, or it, meddles in our affairs much, but I don't believe it plays dice with our universe, either.  You heard that right?  I said it doesn't play dice with this universe thing.  I thought that was a pretty darn good line. Oy.

(Al breaks into a coughing laugh.  Reaches for his shot glass of Brandy and settles down a bit).

Dave: (rubs nose, flips pages) This theory that energy is never lost; how pervasive do you apply this?

Al:  For every smart person, there's an equally stupid idiot walking around.  For every angry dog, there's a sweet dog. For every pleasant aroma, there's a gut-spewing odor.  It goes all around the wheel, as it were.

Dave:  (nodding with furrowed brow) Interesting.  Very interesting.  Did, you, just, fart?

Al: (chuckles)

Dave: Any parting or final words for us temporary mortals, before I let you go back to your other place?

Al:  Live long and prosper.  Make love, not war.  Beer is good, but liquor is quicker.  Blessed are the peace makers.  Nothing beats a good laugh with a group of friends, except a good laugh with a group of complete strangers.


That was a very brief interview since Al was starting to smell bad.  Not having showered in fifty eight years can do that.  Anyhow, I needed a break from a crappy week.  I hope you enjoyed this at least a little bit.

Post a Comment