Monday, February 11, 2013

Bullshitilizer 2013 Ultimate Edition

If you ask anyone who has worked in a large office (i.e. corporate) environment, whether or not they've found themselves in a situation where they had to change course, in mid-discussion, to avoid getting caught wasting valuable "company time", they will usually nod in agreement.  Standing in the doorway, having a heated discussion about any (or all) of the following topics:

  • Last night's sports game
  • Recent (or upcoming) episodes of "The Walking Dead"
  • Gun Control
  • Abortion
  • Immigration
  • Religion
  • Politics
  • Best TV SitCom
  • Best late night talk show
  • Gadgets (cameras, phones, etc.)
  • Hot office babes (if you have any) and what they're wearing today
Suddenly, the CEO/CFO/CIO/CTO/CSO/CMO/CBO/CAO/COO/CXO turns the corner, with a dower look on his/her face.  The expression says "I'm ready to fire the next bastard I see shooting the shit in the hallway!!!"

What do you do?

Fear not!  I have a handy list of conversation jump-starters to pull out just for those pants-crapping moments.  But there's an important catch here:

You can't just switch conversation gears without being careful to select a topic that logically fits with your job role.  In other words, if you are a Network engineer, you don't want start jaw-jacking about Git, or UAT, especially if the "suit" passing by knows what your job role is.  So I've grouped them by job role to help you out.

For each functional group/department/team/division headlined below, use one of the phrases listed beneath it.  Each is intended to jumpstart a new conversation, but will only work if your accomplice is clued-in beforehand, unless he/she is astute enough to pick up on the hidden agenda and can improvise along with you.  And remember: These will only work if you keep a straight face.

Applications Development

  • "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Applications Support

  • "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."
Help Desk
  • "Did you see that call about Outlook Inbox synchronization this morning?"
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."
Information Security (aka "InfoSec")
  • "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Network Engineering

  • "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Project Management

  • "I was looking over the changes in the second review, and ..."
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Systems Engineering

  • "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
  • "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
  • "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
  • "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."
Good luck!

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