Friday, December 11, 2009

Random Thoughts

Don’t hover next to me in a traffic jam and stare at me as if saying “can I cut in front of you?” unless you have your turn signal on.  I can’t read your fucking mind and having a larger vehicle means nothing in the pecking order unless we’re moving along at normal speed.

Yes, those pants do, in fact, make your ass look big.  Huge is the word.

If you weight 400lbs and wear tight-fitting clothing (spandex, lycra, etc.) you should be jailed and your mug shot shown on every highway billboard for 50 miles.

If you speed up in the next lane to cut in front of me and my lane is already moving along at a pace the ends up preventing you from wedging in ahead, don’t get pissed at anyone but your own stupid-ass dumbshit self.

Wearing a bluetooth earphone in traffic is good sense.  Walking around with one on your head makes you a complete fucking dick.

Trend following is for dumbasses.  Future Janitors of America (FJA) have enough sense to pull their pants up to cover their shit-stained underwear.  You should too.

If you ride my ass while I’m already going over the posted speed limit, I may very likely STOMP my brakes without warning.  I hope you have insurance.

Olive Garden is *not* Italian food.  It’s just a smidge closer than a Marie Callendar’s meal.

There is a big difference between being a “musician” and being a “band member” or “entertainer”, no matter how successful the band/entertainer may be.

Anytime you get excited about something and want to bother the shit out of your friends with all the details, stop and ask yourself one question: is this as cool as completely curing cancer?  Keep everything in perspective.

If you drive a car, at least try to act as if you give a shit about your own life.

If you have kids, take care of them.  They’re YOUR fault.  They didn’t get born without you doing something to cause it.  Put your bullshit hobbies and dreams on hold until you’ve raised them to stand on their own.  Give up the stupid fucking mountain climbing, skydiving, and car racing.  Doing dangerous things when you have little kids depending on you is just selflishly retarded.  You die and they’re left growing with friends telling them how stupid their dad was.

If you have parents, family, friends who can babysit your kids, don’t even open your mouth to complain even once how tough your life is.  Just STFU and do your job and know that there are MANY more who have no one to lean on.

Why do we pick one month out of a year to be “Christmasy”?  So, does that mean 11/12ths weight is placed on being ogres and 1/12th on being nice?

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