Thursday, October 8, 2009

The New American Guide to Parenting and Teaching

Part 1 (there may be more parts coming)

Your 6 year old beats another 6 year old to death with a hammer

You should try to calm the situation, but not intervene or disrupt their activities.  Speak lovingly and reassure the child that they will not be in any trouble, because they won’t.  Call 911 on your cell phone while handing a popsicle to the child to calm them down.  When the child comes home

Your 12 year old steals car and runs it through a house

Accept all blame for having raised your child inadequately and offer to pay all damages while punishing the 12 year old by putting a TV with full cable access in their bedroom.

Your student sets fire to another student sending them to the hospital

Leave the room immediately and contact the guidance counselor or principle and ask them to handle it for you.  Go directly to the teacher’s lounge to relax.

Your 9 year repeatedly calls in bomb threats to the local school

Explain the police that it’s all your fault and that your little darling really doesn’t understand the seriousness of the situation.  When the police leave, turn on Dancing with the Stars and tell your child to go outside and “do something constructive”

12 of your students earn a 100 on your latest test.  1 earns a 20

You should curve the grades so that all students get a 93 to make it “fair”.

After 3 hours of playing Monopoly(TM) your student is out of cash

All other players should give him half of their cash to bring him back into the game.  Even though he/she will end up with way more than all other players, it will help reassure them and instill confidence that they are special.

Your 11 year old worries that weighing 190 lbs is cause for concern

You should reassure him/her that this is completely normal and get them to laugh at all costs.  Bring them down to get a big ice cream float to calm their fears.

You discover half of your 3rd grade class is smoking cigarettes

Tell them that the corner gas station has the lowest prices in town.

One of your students says to the class: “My daddy said I better do my homework, ‘or else’!”

Report the childs father to social services immediately!

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