Monday, September 21, 2009

Solutions So-lu-tions Sa-Loo-Shunzzzz

Problem: “I have to install apps on a lot of desktops and I constantly run into problems with removing older versions, cleaning up leftover files, folders and registry keys.  I also run into issues where each app wants a different version of JRE or .NET.  How can I get a handle on this madness?”

Gently put down the rope, the duct tape and the stack of porn mags and relax.  You should look into Application Virtualization.  There are many alternatives to choose from, depending upon your client base, your environment, your needs and your budget.  The major players are Microsoft App-V, VMware ThinApp, Citrix XenApp, and a few others.  There are many articles on each of these, and others, as well as comparisons of features and performance.  Here’s just one.  If that doesn’t help, start drinking heavily.  Heavily.

Problem: “Some of the users I support are developers, who insist they have an older version of a particular application than we typically support.  They also insist they need local administrative rights.”

Beat them with the largest heavy blunt object you can find.  When they awaken in the hospital, read to them the story of Goldie Locks and the Three Virtualizations.  VMware Workstation (not free), Virtual PC (free), VMware Server (free) and Virtual BOX (free) are all good options for providing a sandbox environment where your crack-infested little perverted glue-sniffing devs can play and wreak havoc.  Just pay attention to the licensing requirements for the hosted (guest) operating system and any applications you install within it/them.  Ok. That was four, not three.

Problem: “My brother/nephew/niece/sister/cousin just bought a Mac, and…”

Stop right there!  Smother them with a large pillow soaked in Chloroform.  Drag their sleeping, limp, spongy and pasty white body out to a chair at a busy intersection, and hang a sign around their neck that says “I’m a brainwashed idiot and will believe anything anyone says as long as they have a stupid Apple logo somewhere on them.”

Problem: “I support users on Windows XP Professional, but I’m really tired of the issues that come with giving users administrative rights to use applications and drivers.  What can I do?”

Either bus them to another state or country, or upgrade to Windows 7 as soon as it becomes available.  Go rock climbing and beer drinking with the time you recoup from no longer having to babysit that old swiss-cheese platform.

Problem: “I stand on a corner with a sign telling passers-by what my feelings are about a sensitive political/environmental/social issue.  But I worry that it will take a long time for change to ever happen.  What can I do?”

Jump in front of the next bus.  Your efforts are completely in vain.  Nobody cares.  Nobody in a position of making a different, that is.  They can’t hear your whiney cries for your pitiful little ‘cause’, ‘cause they’re laughing it up at a golf outing.  Unless you have a crapload of money to pump into their PAC funds, you are silent.  Get used to it.  It’s called: The American political system.  And it’s the best government money can buy.

Problem: “I tell people at work/school/stores/parks/libraries/restaurants that I’m tolerant of all religions, but that they will go to Hell if they don’t convert to Christianity and repent.”

Sounds real tolerant.  Hey, are you going to eat those fries?

Problem: “If America has a higher infant mortality rate than many other countries; a lower grade average at almost every level of schooling than many other countries; and we no longer lead the world in manufacturing output by even the most heroin-soaked delusional stretch of the imagination…. why do we keep saying we’re ‘Number 1’?”

That’s a great question.  Next? …

Problem: “I need to back up my precious pictures, documents, and contacts in case my computer is lost, stolen or damaged.  What should I do?”

Mozy (www.mozy.com)

Problem: “I voted for the new president, but the ‘change’ he promised doesn’t seem to be happening.  Why not?”

Because you’re too stupid to realize that there really is only one political party: the screw-you party.  The “left” and “right” charade is simply a ruse to keep us all occupied with shiney objects while they keep busy spending our money on things that only benefit themselves.  We don’t matter.  Our vote, technically, doesn’t really count either.  It’s just designed to make us believe we’re in control.

Problem: “Wow!  It sounds like the guy who writes this stuff is really knowledgeable.  Who is this guy?”

A complete idiot who knows nothing about anything.  If you say something convincingly enough, you can, uh… convince people that you’re, umm… convincing.

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