Thursday, February 19, 2009

5 things I've Learned From my Apple Friends


These are a few of the things I've learned from family and friends who use, and swear by, Apple products:

1. Apple products are superior to all other products in the world today, regardless of category. They are superior to all man-made inventions before them and all that will ever be produced.

2. Apple customers are more intelligent, and therefore "superior", to all other humans and life forms, except maybe for Dolphins. Mankind has suffered historical problems only because the world hasn't been run by Apple.

3. Steve Jobs walks on water, speaks to animals, feels "the Force", and can predict winning lottery numbers. He once appeared in the Old Testament, but was removed when Microsoft bought the rights to The Bible. Apparently some versions went so far as to replace "Steve" and "Bill" with "Cain" and "Able" as well. Oh, the blasphemy of it all.

4. Apple computers are immune to viruses (virii?), trojans, worms and all forms of malware. They are also immune to radiation, electromagnetic interference, extreme heat and cold, political unrest, and bonecrushing pressure. In fact, if you put them under sufficient pressure long enough, they turn into diamonds.

5. If everyone bought only Apple products, it would be the end of all bad things known to mankind. No starvation, disease, war, killing, dishonesty (Apple fans are incapable of lying), depression, angst, sadness, malaise and warts.

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting, but that's only because I don't use an Apple computer.
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