Thursday, June 19, 2014

What They Don't Teach You in School

Math, English, foreign languages, Biology, Comparative Religions, World History, bah!  Even the programming/geek/nerd stuff.... bah!

These are the most important pieces of education a young person could ever absorb before entering the cut-throat job market today.  So, please, for your career's sake:  Put down the bong and pay attention!



1. Office Camouflage

Never look like you need something to do.  Carry papers in one hand, preferrably with a pen, and a coffee cup in the other.  Undo your tie and roll your sleeves up.  Even if you're just going to throw some trash away, make it look like you're on a mission.  A mission to advise the CEO that the CFO and CIO are both TFU and the only person who they can trust is  Y.O.U.  Look busy!

2. Shoes and Stalls

Every day you get to work, make a mental note of what shoes the other managers are wearing that day.   This only applies to members of the same sex (or whichever sex/gender inhabits the same restrooms you frequent). Knowing what shoes the CEO/CFO/COO/CIO/CTO/CSO/CIEIEIO wears can mean the difference between being fired and being promoted.

Think of the typical restroom situation where you're chatting with a coworker; you're shaking uncontrollably at the urinal, while he/they picks lunch leftovers from their teeth only an inch from the encrusted mirror.  You get ready to say something really apolitical about someone high-up, but you pause to sneak a glance at the shoes of the guy, just beneath the stall partition panel, who's moaning and grunting in the nearby stall.  You make a strategic correction.

Instead of "Man, that department manager is a real asshole.  Did you see how he tore the head off that cat in the staff meeting?!", you recall those shoes as being the CFO's, and then you remember that the department manager is his son.  So instead, you say something like "Man, that department manager is awesome.  The way he used his bottle-opener on that cat was genius!  His dad must be SO proud of him.".  Next day you show up and there's a calendar invite to a private meeting on the CFO's yacht, dinner included, dress appropriately.  See?  It's just that easy.  And you thought "hard work" (whatever that is) really matters.

3. Big Words

If you can read a beer bottle, a Hunger Games chapter, medicine bottles, cereal box labels, a verse from the Bible (or other religious text of your choosing), you have all it takes to read another exciting book:  The Dictionary.

Learn a new word, at least once a month.  Instead of reacting to surprising news with tired, old, phrases like "wow!", try something more ear-catching like "Gadzooks!" or "Jumping Jehoshaphat!".  It shows you might be what they call "Educated" or something.  And we all know those suit-wearing folk LOVE them some good ole educated folk to hang out and chew the fat with.  I mean, "have a intelligible conversation and discourse with".

4. Statistical Stuff

Learn something about the sport and sports teams/leagues/players that you know excite the upper management.  Then you can combine it with the tips above, and then practice in the restroom, while urinating on the wall, noticing the CEO's shoes in stall number 3, who happens to be a Texas Rangers' fan, and say something clever, like "Wow!  Did you know that Nolan Ryan could throw a baseball through the armor-plating of an Army tank while blind-folded and drunk on Drano?!  Amazing!"

Wait for the reaction.  If you say something clever enough about their favorite sports thing, or NASCAR thing, they'll jump right out of the stall with their pants down, toilet paper hanging from their butt cheeks and give you a hug like a long-lost relative coming back from the dead.

5. Strategic Posing

Do not EVER look relaxed at your desk.  Stare intently at the screen as if you're watching a live broadcast of a hamster, slowly unhinging it's jaws to swallow a cow in one piece.  The look must be serious.  It must be practiced to perfection.  Nobody who does *real* work does it without some effort and nothing shows effort like that classic Clint Eastwood, tight-jawed, seven day constipated grimace of serious ass-kickery that just oozes the feeling of "I'm busy curing Cancer, and world hunger, so back off bitch!"

Helpful tips include frowning, squinting, pursing of the lips, rubbing your chin and nodding slowly up and down.  For extra points, combine them in pairs or all together at once.  Then slowly rise from your broken desk chair and back away without blinking, or looking away even once.  Say something quiet, but just loud enough so the nearby idiots can hear it, like "yes.  yes.   yesss!  that will change EVERYTHING." and then go to the restroom to practice steps 1 through 4.

Conclusion

So there you have it.  All the basic skills you need to master in order to excel in a tech job in America. After all, the real jobs are going overseas anyway, so you might as well enjoy the ride while the ship sinks.

Don't ever say I didn't try to help you get ahead.
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