Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Government = Bad. Right?

I was thinking about Dave Chappelle's discussion about "dressing the part", and how it relates to other parts of American society.  Maybe you recall his skit about "just because you're dressed like a ___, doesn't make you a ___."?  Yeah.  That one.  This may seem very loosely interpreted, but if you think deep enough (or do enough drugs) it might materialize for you.

When people (okay, Americans mostly) draw up "rules" based on limited experiences, they're tossing out babies and bathwater into the wood-chipper at the same time.  After all, when you share a comic that implies "government = evil" you're lumping all of it in one bucket of badness.

Here's a thought: Next time your nearby elementary school is attacked by some nut-job who decides to suit-up and shoot at bystanders, how about you not call the police.  Call some private firm and negotiate the rate over the phone and have them come out and take care of it instead.  Better yet, forget public schools.  Make everyone pay for a private school.  Same for libraries, recreation centers, parks, water services, trash pick-up, traffic management, emergency medical services, fire department, whatever.  Why stop there?  Privatize the entire military, FAA, DOD, FEMA, CDC, FDA and whomever takes it over is free to charge whatever the "market will bear".
  • Need to stop some terrorists?  Get the neighborhood together and do a car wash.
  • Need to get a house fire extinguished?  Call Joe's Fire Shop.
  • Need to negotiate IP rights against China or Korea because they're copying your patents and underselling you? Someone copied your clever trademark?  Call Joe's Law firm.  (after all, he's much more powerful to bargain with tiny little China).
  • Monitor air traffic?  Sea ports?  Medical research?
  • Gun control?  Pffft. Give EVERYONE a gun.  Wait, did I say "give"? I meant "issue" a gun to everyone, and they can buy their own ammo.  And why place age limits on anything?  That's another "big government" burden.  Driving, drinking, shooting, flying, working.... if you can do it, you're legal.  Hard liquor at 6 years old?  What could be more American!
Give it all to Joe's Do-It-All Services, and they can send you a bill for whatever they feel is fair.  Who's going to argue about their rate?  You?  Ha ha ha.

After all, we really aren't a "United" States at all.  Look at how different the laws are in each state.  Marriage restrictions. Drinking restrictions.  Taxation.  Whatever.  It's really more of a loose federation of territories.  Many states even have their own "militia" as well.  Why bother with a "national" government at all?  Maybe if the folks in Florida and Texas want to send someone to the Moon, they can take up a collection and do it themselves.  I'm sure they collect enough $ to compete with the EU, and all of Asia, after all.

You're probably pissed off at me right now, thinking something like "That Dave guy is sure pro-government."  Am I?  Or maybe you're thinking I'm bashing YOU because I'm assuming you're entirely "anti-government"?  Not really.  What I am saying is that we should all be careful to draw our lines around the things that we are trying to identify.  

As soon as you start bashing an entire thing because one or two parts of it are defective, it immediately makes you a douche-drinking suckhole.  It's the kind of thinking that creates and maintains wonderful American qualities like racism, sexism, ageism, and ism-ism.  Okay, I need to stop that and get back on the wagon here.If one person in one fast food place treats you badly, does that make the entire chain bad?  How about when one of your coworkers (assuming you have a job) acts like an assclown: does that make all of them bad too?

If you stand up during the Pledge of Allegiance, the singing of America The Beautiful, or the National Anthem, then stop and think about what those things really mean. If you "stand up" for something and spend as much time bashing it, your hooking the IV tube up to the douchebag machine and drinking from it.  Actually, no, that makes you a turbe-douche drinker.

If you're not already hearing an ever-increasing background sound track to My Country Tis of Thee by now, you need some coffee.  After all, nothing is more American than coffee.  Especially the $5/cup kind that you stand in line for.


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