Sunday, June 2, 2013

So, You Want to Create a New Religion...

I've just polished off a plate of blackened fish tacos and a couple of Mojitos, rode around on my bike  afterwards in 90+ F heat and moderate humidity, so now I'm ready to write something completely stupid and worthless for pure time-wasting.  Sit down, strap in, shut up, and absorb this mind-expanding wisdom I'm about to pour all over you.

Say What?

I was thinking about the current state of world religions and faiths and worship and all that stuff.  And I was also thinking about why so many have been concocted and so many have failed, leaving the relatively small assortment behind for us to shell out our hard-earned money to.  After a few weeks of worshiping the one true, indisputable, Universe-creating God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, obviously, I got to wondering what it would take to sit down and architect a successful religion in this day and age.  Here goes.


You need a really catchy, but easy to say name.  Something that rolls off the tongue smoothly and with just the right amount of alliteration to make it enjoyable after a round of stiff drinks.  The clear winner is Jesus.  Nobody has nailed this on the head like good old JC has.  Let's face it, even if you are a DIE HARD ATHIEST, and you see a four-headed dog walk in the room and eat all of its own legs right in front of you, the odds are 999,999,9999,999999999 to 1 that you will say one of the following phrases:

  • "Jesus!"
  • "Jesus Christ!"
  • "Jesus H. Christ!"
  • "Jesus T****-F****** Christ!!!" (omage to Team America)
Nobody.  I mean NOBODY ever says "Muhammad!" or "Abraham!" ,when they see something the completely blows their mind.  They can't even begin to utter "Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!" either.  So, case closed.  Slam dunk. You have to settle on a name which is catchier than JC's.


Nobody has this one nailed like the Muslims do.  Say what you want about Sunday church services, or Catholic confessional, or whatever the rest of you do, when it comes to demonstrating utmost faith, you just can't beat salat.  Known to Bud-Lite-swillers as "prayin to Mecca a bunch of times erry day?", this is the ritual stopping, laying out a pretty (and clean!) rug, kneeling and praying towards the direction of your holiest city, and doing it FIVE times EVERY DAY.  Slam dunk.  You have to invent a ritual that tops this one.  I'd say you might stand a chance if you involve beer or sex, but short of that, forget it.


Christmas is the clear winner.  Not because of the length, which the Jews have in their corner with Hannukah, or Chanukah, or however you spell it this week.  It's because they've managed to tie the entire concept of Jesus' birth with SALES and BUYING STUFF.  Let's face it: It's a natural combination.  When the three wise guys showed up, they obviously stopped off at Old Navy to get the baby wonder something slammin'.  I don't even know what Muslims or Sikhs or Buddhists do on their holidays, which is pretty my point.  If you win over the advertising pukes, you've won, period.  You have to invent holidays that meet the prime directive of your NASCAR/NFL/MLB/Kardashian/Hell's Kitchen watching folk:
  • All of your holidays should land on a Friday or a Monday
  • They should involve buying and sharing gifts
  • They should involve being off of work
  • They should involve beer, sex, fattening foods, and loud engines, or all four

Belief System

This one is a tie.  They're all stupid.  Too many restrictions, period.  Your new religion should take the best of each and add in the usual human margin of stupidity.  For example: Lying.  Everyone lies.  If you really never have lied, and still do not, then you are already a deity, and wouldn't be reading my stupid blog anyway, so shut up.


We all should realize by now that world religions are rife with corruption and human fault.  The only way to avoid such animalistic failure is to build in some sort of self-limiting process.  Kind of like the restricter plate on a NASCAR race car. Maybe institute a prime directive rule that says the supreme leader of your religion must blow him/her self up after X years of leading the sheep.  Maybe something more entertaining, such as requiring them to cut off their own head with a dull knife, live, on YouTube.  And why stop there?!  Make it a requirement to dance around in chicken suit with a cowbell necklace first, and sing Alice Cooper songs.  Then do the deed.

So, there you have it.  If you can concoct a comprehensive, cohesive, structured circus of mindless worshipers using these basic rules, you should be on your way to success.  Just remember to stop and say "Hi!" to Pat Robertson on your way up.  Cheers!
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