The purpose of this document is to provide a fill-in-the-blank form for creating a biographical write-up while keeping the reader interested and alert. Just copy and paste the content below into your favorite text editor, and replace the FIRSTNAME, MIDDLENAME, and LASTNAME entries with yours, and you're ready to hand it to any prospective employer or government official. It's that easy!
[INSERT PHOTO HERE] FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME LASTNAME was born to parents Melvin Shanghai Sukimbo, from Cuba, and Shi-Shi Von Uteristein, from Afghanistan, while living in the small Italian village of Ombwata Kickbutti, on the Eastern shores of Chad.
At the age of two, FIRSTNAME learned to speak fourteen languages, and read and write six more. Upon entering the first grade, he had mastered multivariate Calculus and factored all of the prime numbers, when he stayed home from school with a mild case of Herpes and Ebola.
By the time FIRSTNAME had entered Middle School, his family had to relocate to Australia to avoid his paternity suit with four Elementary School teachers and the assistant principal. The suit was eventually dropped when the five plaintiffs mysteriously turned up in an old, rusty, solar-powered wood-chipper somewhere in the lawless gang-ruled neighborhoods of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.
Prior to graduating High School, FIRSTNAME earned a scholarship to John C. Holmes University, for his exceptional work curing Cancer, AIDS and his invention of Teflon-coated undergarments. While studying for PhD thesis, FIRSTNAME co-founded the multi-billion dollar corporation Gasious Clay, manufacturing scent-controlled automated Halon systems for office restrooms. He sold his interests in that company and spent the next few weeks studying to earn his IT certifications. By the end of the month, he had earned MCP, MCSA, MSCE, MCSD, MCDST, MCITP, and MCT certifications.
Within a week after his Bar Mitzvah, FIRSTNAME earned his Cisco CCNA and CCNE certifications. Before his 19th birthday, he won the IronMan competition in France, handily defeating the reigning world champion Moses Van Roidshot. In fact, FIRSTNAME set a new record for lifting and carrying 500 lbs of concrete blocks across a 100 yard obstacle course, walking on his hands, with the weight suspended from his penis by braided steel cables.
At his next position as the Mexican Ambassador to Somalia, FIRSTNAME solved all of the same problems your company is just now having to deal with. This makes him the perfect candidate for CEO of your organization, even if you currently do not have a position titled as "CEO". You could do a lot worse, and you always have.