Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Where's Waldo?

Majel & David 1965Captain's Log.  Star Date 2011072107040000.00.

I've begun reduction of presence as set forth in previous statements.  Gradual withdrawal from Twitter, Facebook, E-mail and SMS has been met with complete indifference, as expected.  An occupation force will remain on Google+ and Blogger for now.

Questions remain.  .. ... ....

"Dave? What happened to all those insanely weird situations you used to tweet about?"

"You mean, like the two shaved-headed 300lb chicks in the Walmart at 1:30 AM with pierced noses and a chain connected them together from their nose rings, strolling up and down the electronics aisle?"

"Yes."

"Or the 80 year old woman in the wheelchair who flipped me off and told me to 'Fuck off!'?"

"Yes!"

"Or the string of tweets about hot chicks in traffic jams on I-64 picking their nose?"

"Yes.  Yes.  Why no more of these stories?"

"They still happen.  Oh yes.  They still happen.  Not those exact same ones, but many equally as non-standard.  Like I've said many times: I am a magnet for strange events."

"What happened?"

"I got tired of reporting them.  I'll just store them in my empty brain cavity for when I'm too old to speak and I can just replay them inside and giggle while nurses try to shove pills in my mouth as my false teeth roll around in dog hair on the floor and I drool uncontrollably."

"Why stop now?"

"I'm not stopping. I'm in semi retirement.  Just like Ze Frank gave birth to Phillip DeFranco, who gave birth to Annoying Orange and the Banana-guy: evolution keeps evolving.  Or devolving, if you're a fan of Devo."

"You didn't answer the question." (scowl face)

Finger's tapping..... "hrumph." (coughs)

"Well?"

"I'm going through some difficult times, but I'm not going to whine.  I'm not going to be a buzzkill boner-killer, I'm going to laugh all the way until I hit the steel-reinforced concrete wall at 800 MPH on fire, and even then I won't stop until God says: 'Dave? Shut up.'"

"800 MPH?"

"Ok, my Subaru won't go faster than 75, but that's fast enough to reach escape velocity.  But look, the point I'm trying to make is that I rarely make any point at all, and that's the point.  I need to keep the joke going to keep my brain from focusing on the bad, which is how I always deal with bad, and that's good.  I'm hoping the good luck train stops by soon. Until then, I'll keep my ears on the track and listen for its approach."

Yes, I know this is rambling. But it's so damn fun.

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