Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Another Interview, part 2

This is the long promised (or long threatened?) follow-up to the last interview of myself. This time I was interviewed by Malcom X. Yes. The same one you've read about. He's not dead, but working at a Burger King, with Elvis. He had a few minutes during a shift change and decided to sit down with me. Enjoy!

Thank you for allowing me to interview you.  So, how are you doing?

Great. Never better. Never more broke, but at least I'm alive.

Tell me about it. I'm kidding. Please don't. - so, let's get back to the interview... You've been writing code for over two decades. Billions of lines of code. So let me ask you: Scripts or Group Policy?

Yes.

Yes?

That's right. Yes.

Is it really billions of lines?

I doubt it, but if that impresses you, well, then yes.

Is that a good thing?

Not really.  The most impressive number would be one.  If I could have solved all my tasks in the past thirty years with one line of code - THAT would kick ass to Jupiter and back again.

(rubs his scruffy chin)

So, you feel there's a place for Scripting and Group Poliy in 2011?

Doesn't Microsoft?

Good point. When would it make sense to use one versus the other?

Well, Malc... You don't mind me calling you Malc?

Sure. Just don't call me Little.

No sweat. Even Cassius prefers Ali. Anyhow, Malc, I'm a consultant. We are Pavlovian conditioned to respond to every question with "it depends". Go ahead, try me?

Ok. What four legged animals would you have sex with?

(Long pause; Blank stare) Next question?

You didn't answer my first.

Oh yeah. The answer is "it depends".  Next question?

(Long pause with blank stares) A lot of American kids today seem to be conditioned to believe that the IT field is a dead end. No point in studying it.  Why is that?

I don't know. Probably because every IT publication and every corporate CEO, CFO, CIO, CTO and whatnot spent an enormous amount of time and effort repeating the mantra of outsourcing and offshoring. They got what they wanted: a reason to push for more H1B approvals.  Then they can hire foreign labor for half the price to write dozens of cute little iPhone and Android apps in little sweatshops behind every Jiffy Lube.

H1B?  Is that like H1N1?

You've been dead way too long.

Is Nixon still president? Next question: Where do you see the future of IT going in the next decade?

I can't see that far ahead. Nobody can.

Nobody?

If you pick up an issue of almost any IT publication, in fact ANY publication, from 1990 to 2000 and read the predictions they made for the next ten years, they are all so horribly wrong they should fold up and close. Oh wait, they did.

Wow!

I know! It's sooooo ridiculous how arrogant those ass clowns are.

No, I meant "wow: that's the most words you've spoken since we started"

Just for that I'm calling you Mr Little.

F*** you.

Point taken. What's your next question?

So after I left this ball of dirt, what did I miss?

A string of idiotic and utterly worthless presidents, and politicians posing as defenders of the public, a string of cheesy action movies, romantic comedy movies, plastic hairspray rock bands and more movies with Jude Law…

Who?

Never mind… You also missed a steroidfest of sports recordbreakers, a bad o-ring on a space shuttle, the microwave oven, velcro, condom commercials on TV, and the advent of MTV, or Music TeleVision.

What's that?

A channel that only shows teenage dramaqueen scripted "reality" shows about drunken, screwing derelicts, insanely wealthy mansion tours, and trailer park teenage pregnancies.

Oh.  We had in Detroit back in '66.

I know.

Anything good?

There's Tosh.O, Family Guy, South Park, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.  Discovery Channel, History Channel and Travel Channel are pretty good sometimes.  Disney and GE bought the main networks so you can guess how shitty those are.

Eeeew!

They also have Pay-Per-View porn, sports and wrestling (not to be confused with real sports). Here, have a tissue.

(blows nose) Thanks!

Don't mention it.

Where was I?

Is that a question?

(blank stare)

How did a guy like you end up in the IT field?

I don't really know.  I got really drunk, passed out, and woke up with a pocket protector on.  It's been a strange ride ever since.

(rubs chin and nods)

UNIX or Windows?  And what the hell is Windows?

Is that the best you can do?  Why not unscrew your brain and toss in the woodchipper so you can think up a question like "OSX or Windows?"?

Well?

Well what?

OSX or Windows?

Is that the best you can do?

Who's giving the interview here?

I lost track of who's talking.  Who's the black guy here?

I can't tell.  Are the lights turned down?

I hear that a lot.

Post a Comment