Tuesday, October 5, 2010

And Now, It's time for another Rant...

This one is about cell phones and driving.  BUT.  It's not going to be what you expect.

I absolutely, firmly, 110,000 percent-ly, do NOT believe that talking on a cell phone inherently leads to more car accidents.  Stupid ass idiot humans lead to accidents.  I don’t care if you take away every fucking cell phone on this planet.  The number of car accidents will not drop even 1 percent.

There are two reasons for this and I will dive into each with zeal.

The first item I have to complain about is the assumption, perception and expectation that just by talking on a phone you are somehow incapable of doing anything else.  If this were true, every airline pilot would have crashed at least once.  Every bomb technician with a headset microphone on would be a vaporous memory.  Every courtroom stenographer would be fired and working at a fast food drive-through.  Every fast-food drive-through person (oops, I meant to spell that “Drive Thru”, my bad.  Gotta keep up our American, oops ‘merican’, appearance after all) every drive thru clerk would be fired.  Not just one or two or a few, or even some, but ALL of them.  Using this idiotic irrational “logic”, all such persons would not be able to function at all.  These are just some examples of people who’s job requires them to maintain a conversation while performing tasks of dexterity.

Yes, Virginia, humans, on occassion, can do two things at once.  It’s call “NORMAL FUNCTIONING” by the way.  I propose that those who cannot walk and talk at the same time are in the minority of the human population.  Our modern day penchant for protecting and empowering the stupid, even though it violates the laws of nature, makes us feel ashamed to call anyone an idiot in an institutional sense.  In person, yes.  As a matter of policy or categorical claim, never.  We’ve become too chickenshit to admit when the kid with his pants falling down while strolling across a busy highway without looking for oncoming traffic is, in all seriousness, in complete fact, a total fucking idiot.  “Oh no!  You did NOT just say that?!  I can’t believe my ears!!!”

I said it.  And so should you.

Using the same rationale Lil’ Wayne LaPierre uses, which is “guns don’t kill people. people kill people”, I hereby claim that cellphones don’t cause wrecks, people do.

And now for the second part of my irrational rationalization, which is that humans are inherently stupid as shit anyway, so that negates my quasi-logical basis of giving them credit before earning it.  What does this mean?  Good question…

Take away their cell phones, and they will put their poodle on their lap with its painted paws on the steering wheel.  They actually get their little claws, oops, “nails”, painted now you know.  Even with rhinestone and zirconium sequens which dazzle the masses to no end.  They look especially stylish smeared along a guard rail surrounded by pieces of car parts.  Take away the poodle?  They read books, magazines, fold-out road maps, newspapers.  They tinker with the GPS thing stuck on the dash or windshield.  They tinker with the radio, or their iPod.  They eat.  They put on makeup.  They primp their hair.  They fall asleep.

Some people cannot operate a phone and pick their nose at the same time.  I can.  I can do that and roll the window down and insult fellow idiot drivers for their stupid actions as well.

Am I suggesting we abolish laws against driving while talking on cell phones?  No.  But I am saying that the laws will do absolutely nothing whatsoever.  People are still going to do stupid crap while pretending to drive.  But some of us talk all the time and have NEVER had a close call as a result.  I’ve never run through a red light due to talking on a cell phone.  I’ve run red lights while screaming at my kids in the back seat to tell them stop fighting.  Are we going to outlaw more than one kid in a car?  Are we going to outlaw kids arguing?  Are we going to outlaw dogs in the front seat of cars?


Becase we’re Americans and we’re proud of our stupid behavior.  That’s why we drive around with “Proud to be an American” stickers with American flags and “USA all the Way” stickers, while we toss cigarette butts and trash out the window.  It’s our way of showing how much we love our land.  The pride we take in it.  And talking on cell phones shouldn’t be a privilege only for the intelligent folks who know how to use them, but it should be a God-given right for the simpletons in our midst as well. We vote them into office, so it’s the least we can do.

Now, after reading this, hopefully you come away with one simple thought in your head:

Airline pilots with poodles in their laps, putting on lipstick in the mirror.  :)

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