Friday, August 21, 2009

10 Ways to Know If You’re a Douche Face (a new installment of Cranium Drainium)

1. You Have a Celtic Tattoo on Your Arms

Message: I’ve run completely out of fresh ideas, so I’m copying every other drunk dumbass.  Getting the gage/piercing kit as a bundle package is even douchier on the douche scale.

Douchivity Score: 8

Saving Graces: You actually consider getting them removed by LASER.

2. You Own a New Red Ford Mustang, or Dodge Charger

Message: After I got drunk and spent my welfare check on the celtic tattoos, I took the rest and bought a Red ______ just like my friends, neighbors, co-workers and guys on TV all bought.  Nothing says “I’m different” like doing the same (or driving the same) shit as everyone else.

Douchometer Score: 9

Saving Graces: You work for Ford or Chrysler

3. You Drive in the Left Lane and Never Exceed the Posted Speed Limit

Message: I’m a fucking dumbass and I’m going to keep you from getting where you’re trying to go.  You feel it’s your duty to keep the rest of traveling safe.  So you piss us off the point where we drop gear, punch it and try to pass your lethargic ass and end up causing a five car pile-up.  Thanks.

Douchberg Score: 10 (fuck you)

Saving Graces: None.  You should be pushed off the road, drug from your car and beaten to death by an angry mob.  The video should be posted on YouTube also.

4. You Toss Cigarettes or Other Trash Out of Your Car Window

Message: America, Love it Or Leave It - is your motto.  Leave it in Ruins - is your practice.  You’re so proud of your country you can’t wait to shit and piss all over it.  After all, this is the greatest country on Earth, and you’re simply paying homage by decorating it with Bush beer cans and Michelob bottles.

Douchbreath Score: 10

Saving Graces: None. You should share the same fate as the #3 guy.  Or have your rectum swaged by the jaws of life.

5. You have Truck Nuts

Message: These are the only testicles I’m allowed to have or display.  Your wife owns the smaller, real ones.  If you were a REAL man, you’d hang your own REAL sack on the back bumper.  Try that, you sissy!

Douchbrain Score: 10

Saving Graces: Someone cuts them off and hangs them from your antenna.

6. You Have the Stupid, Tired Calvin Kid Pissing Sticker (pissing on Ford or Chevy, etc.)

Message: You got in line to buy this sticker because it’s cool and (guess what?): everyone else got one that couldn’t pass the fourth grade.  When you point at it and laugh you snort like Baby Huey and think it’s the most clever thing ever invented.

Douchonomy Score: 7 (not worth an 8, sorry)

Saving Graces: You bought the truck for $400 from a guy named Earl and it was already on it.

7. You are a Die-Hard Republican or Democrat

Message: You seriously believe your Congressman/woman/ Senator/ whatever, really cares what you think, as opposed to just caring for your vote.  You think they’re actually working, when they’re actually on sabbatical (like they are this very week, actually).  You think they’re not golfing together and laughing about how thoroughly they’re screwing you, your family, your retirement, and your children’s future, but are actually arguing over ethical differences like Federal vs State’s rights.

Douchatorium Score: 11 (you’re so hopelessly fucktarded it’s pathetic.  And: NO, Being a Libertarian does not give you a pass here.  LaRouche?  Seriously?  Are you kidding?!)

Saving Graces: You vote, but you cherry pick by candidate agenda, not along party lines.

8. You Dress Up Special to Ride Your Harley

Message:  By day, you’re mild-mannered car/furniture/siding/insurance salesguy.  Wife and kids.  Soccer practice, golfing with the buddies.  By weekend: You tie a scarf around your balding head and leave a tail to mimick having long hair (as if?!).  You get your ripped up, worn out chaps on, with your best Jack Daniels black T-shirt with holes, and your yard-sale worn riding boots, and finally add the biker chain wallet and wrist bands.  Suit up, jump on, turn the key (dead giveaway), and ride with a poker face on.  It screams “I’m a closet douchbag”.

Iron Douch Score: 9

Saving Graces: If you just ride with normal clothes on and don’t pretend to be something you’re not, you get a pass.  If you actually do manual labor for a job and come home covered in dirt, grease and can’t afford nice clothes and your bike is held together with duct tape, bailing wire and spare parts: you get a pass.

9. Stupid-Ass Bumper Stickers

Message: You love sharing your thoughts with the general public.  But you don’t want to hear back from the general public.  It’s a one-way trip.  You desperately want us all to read your obnoxious shit and all the idiots you voted for that couldn’t win the election (but you still want us all to know you voted for the loser anyway).

Douchativity Score: 8

Saving Graces: You have stickers with jokes on them that NOBODY else has.  If it’s original you get a pass.

10. Walking Around with a Bluetooth Earphone in Public

Message: You are a self-absorbed piece of decaying shit who thinks we’re all impressed with your conversation with someone you think is “plugged-in” and “connected” with the “in crowd”.  Sure. We all assume you’re talking to Will Smith or Steve Jobs.  You bark out “buy low and sell high!” while sitting on the bleachers at your son’s T-ball game.  You talk out loud wandering the aisles in a library or the (otherwise silent) Barnes & Noble store.  While they are admirable for driving safety, they are a complete head-dunk into the vats of douche juices when worn in public.

Da-da-da-da-Douchebag Score: 11

Saving Graces: If you are an EMT or EOD (bomb disposal guy) you get a pass.  If you’re doing brain surgery you get a 3/4 pass.  If you’re in Barnes & Noble: ass-beating is approved – proceed.

Honorable Mentions:

11. Brand-Name Ball Cap with Oakley Shades Pinned on Top

12. Fingerless Leather Gloves

13. Making Special Trips to Buy Red Bull or Monster drinks

14. Leaving Your Dog outdoors 24x7 Without Ever Bringing Them Inside

15. You Think T.O. is a Nice Guy

16. You Think Charles Manson is just Misunderstood

17. You Disagree that Xe (formerly Blackwater USA) is a mercenary force

18. You’re on Welfare and Buying Cigarettes

19. You Ardently Defend Apple and Steve Jobs without Question

20. You Read moronic blogs like this one.

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