Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Governmental Budget Tips

Here's some ideas I think would help cut government costs:

Cut postal deliveries to Mon-Fri.  We don't NEED mail delivered on Saturdays anyway.  It's all junk mail and bills.  Who needs it.

Consolidate our armed forces.  Do we really need so many "land forces"?  Combine the Army, Marines, Air Force Rangers, into a single group.  We only need three segments:  Land, Sea and Air.  The current stupidity is leftover from nostalgia days.  Time to modernize.

Pass a federal law that mandates any "foreign" territory which is occupied or controlled by U.S. forces for more than a year, is to become a protectorate and inclusive of all pertinent federal laws.  That would solve two major problems:  (a) legal disposition of detainees on foreign soil, and (b) provide incentive to GET THE HELL OUT sooner.  Do we REALLY need to maintain Guantanamo Bay?  Why?

Sell American flags to everyone in the Middle East.  They seem to have an insatiable apetite for burning them in front of TV cameras.  Maybe we could capitalize on that somehow.

Charge all meteorologists a hefty federal "fine" when they blow the forecast.  It should be equal to a days-worth of their salary (gross amount, of course).

Anytime someone insists on modifying public school textbooks, FORCE that person to pay for it on their own.  No assistance allowed.

Require all fat TSA agents to run on treadmills to generate electricity to power the scanners at the airports.  That should cover the bill for at least a year or two.

Even though unconstitutional: Charge every voter $1 to vote.  That would collect a crapload of money and the marketing potential is awesome "put your money where your vote is".  "Best government money can buy", and so on.  Oh, and "crapload" is a mathematical term.

Attach a head-mounted contraption to every Senator and Congressman, which links to the jaw bone to generate electricity from the movement of their mouths.  Since they can't seem to shut up for more than a few seconds, maybe we could reduce our dependence on foreign oil that way.

Once a year, charter a PPV channel to carry the new "Nude Legislature" event where our elected officials have to attend a full day of work totally nude.  I'm sure some could garner a few bucks.

Rent out time at shooting ranges for the public to bring their favorite "hated" appliance to shoot to pieces with an array of military weapons.  I'm sure there would be NO shortage of folks who would gladly dish out $100 for 30 minutes with a mini-gun and their crappy old TV set.

Place ads on all of the .gov web sites.  Popups.  Floaters.  Chasers.  You name it.  Collect some revenue at least.

On the LOCAL government side, here's a list of new laws and fines that would surely help restock the budget coffers:

Failure to use a turn signal when changing lanes: $5,000

Driving with an animal on your lap: $10,000

Driving and reading a book, applying cosmetics, applying food condiments, dialing a cell phone, texting, lighting a cigarette, facing the passenger while talking: $10,000

Playing music loud enough to hear through rolled-up windows in another vehicle: $20,000

Driving with bumper stickers: $1,000

Vanity plates that don't make any sense to others: $1,000

Driving while intoxicated: $100,000 and take their car and their license on the FIRST offense

Failing to move out of the way of an emergency vehicle en route to an emergency: $50,000

Maybe if the fines were scarry enough, people would actually heed these laws.
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