Black Friday Retarded Retail Report (Front Lines Edition)

(insert some really kick-ass dramatic theme music right now...)

(drink some strong, but cold and stale coffee...)

(inhale as deeply and quickly as you possibly can...)

The employer's name has been withheld to protect the insanity (and my seasonal job).  All I can say is that it's a well-known, international, electronics and home convenience store with a location in a mall somewhere in the city of Virginia Beach, Virginia, which is located in the picturesque and sometimes-expensive United States of America.  Any specific or explicit references, links, innuendos or mumblings are purely coincidental and should not, will not, and do not, constitute implication or identification, nor indemnification, of any specific retail business, by name or otherwise.

Batteries not included.

It was a blood bath. Okay, not quite, but it almost kind of sort of felt like it.  Giggling teenagers, sporting hickeys on their exposed necks, colorful tattoos and piercings, and playfully romping around uncontrolled in the midst of cautious and elderly shoppers.  It was horrific.  People might have been scared, or something.

To summarize:

• Screaming, slobbering babies.  Everywhere.
• Drunken customers
• Obnoxious customers
• Customers, customers galore...
• Horny customers (usually in pairs)
• Handicapped customers
• Customers lost asleep in the store.

Dr. Seuss was a prophet among men (or small children, at least).

• Customers testing out the cosmetic mirrors by squeezing their pimples
• Customers having a snowball fight in the store, with sand
• A customer who asked if the warranty covered the item being stolen
• Another customer asking why they couldn't get the Black Friday discount on a Sunday
• Customers asking if the "Fits iPad 2 and 3 only" folding cases would fit their Nexus 7 tablet
• A customer who got visibly upset when I informed him that the indoor/outdoor digital thermometer kit will show the same temperature for both environments, if they ignore the notice on the box that says the remote sensor needs to be positioned OUTSIDE or at least on the glass surface of an outer window.  He really had trouble grasping that whole "remote" thing.
• A five year-old girl wandering around the store swinging one of these around like a toy, and singing to it, while her "mother" remained oblivious to it all.

And my personal favorite: The employer who decided, midday on Friday (actually, around 3:30 PM) to block all employee purchases until Saturday.  Not that the usual policy of employee's getting a 30% discount was enough, nor the additional Black Friday BOGO (actually, BOGOHO) terms were too generous, but that they BLOCKED all employee purchases.  That's a fantastic morale booster.

That was Job "number 3" for me actually.  As I'm working (literally) three jobs until January, when I (hopefully) will cut back to just two.  Job "number 2", is at a local grocery store, which is part of yet another international corporate chain (see the common pattern here?).  

This one however, was really a "Green Wednesday" experience, which is the name I made up for the night before Thanksgiving, when people freak out that they won't have enough food to get even fatter than what they already have in the cabinets to get fat on.  American's are the most in-shape people on the planet, after all.

• A box of (thank God) unused Tampons left in the Pizza freezer
• A used, but (thankfully) tightly-sealed baby diaper, left behind a stack of rice bags on a shelf
• I invented a Turkito (a burrito made from leftover Turkey meat, stuffing, green bean caserole and some stale corn burrito wraps, in a microwave oven).  Rachel Ray: eat your ___ out.
• I fed my dog so much leftovers she puked it up, and I got watch the other dog eat the puke.  Then the cat ate what dog number 2 puked up.  In the end, nothing was wasted.  So, suck on that Al Queada.
• I discovered I have a passion for cheap Argentinian Malbec wines.
• I discovered that some medications work even better with Malbec wines.
• I discovered that some medications and cheap Malbec wines work on the toilet even better the next morning.
• I discovered that no matter how much I can crack myself up I'm still not getting paid for it.
• I discovered that I need to actually play the lottery in order to improve my chances of winning it.

Anyhow, that's all for now.  Back to you, Bob!

5 Question Quiz Time

1. Pandemonium is...

A. The approach of landing craft at Normandy, June 6, 1944.
B. The Dairy section of any grocery store on the night before Thanksgiving.
C. A close-out Sale of Explosives at Akbhar's Amazing Ammo in downtown Kandahar.
D. All the above.

2. The shortest distance between two points is...

A. A straight line.
B. A LASER beam.
C. It depends on your budget.
D. All the above.

3. The difference between Excedrin Headache and Excedrin Migraine is...

A. Excedrin Migraine has a Red Box and bottle label
B. Excedrin Headache is cheaper.
C. The spelling.
D. All the above.

4. The reason, historically, that the flavor of vanilla has been associated with the color white, while chocolate has been associated with the color brown is...

A. Humans are historically retarded as shit.
B. The same reason nature likes to combine strawberries and bananas.
C. So you could tell them apart in the ice cream aisle.
D. All the above.

5. In order for the American government, and/or private industry, to build a major pipeline across the continental United States, there would have to be what thing promised?

A. A huge pay-off
B. A jail sentence for not complying.
C. Oil.
D. Any or all of the above.

If you answered (D) to all five questions, you are a winner!  If not, well, you can take the quiz again until you pass it.  Good luck!

A Sample of Stupidity - For a Limited Time Only!

A few, non-contiguous pages from my forthcoming book on Software Repackaging.  I really would like your honest feedback on what you see so far, as well as suggestions on what you'd like included in the final version.

Adobe PDF file is available for download at the following URL...

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-FpG7_P5WX6VklSa3g2U3M4a00/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you!  Dave

10 Questions with Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein

Introduction

Does this guy really need one?  If you really need to read about him, at least hit up Wikipedia.

The Questions

Dave:  You certainly led an interesting life.  Your contributions are still legendary, and even your views on politics and religion remain cited today.  If you were still alive today what you say to that?

Al:  Uh.  I'd probably say something like "put me back in the ground!!" or "hey! I'm like 137 years old! Leave me the heck alone!".  Seriously, stop taking religion and politics so seriously.  As what's-his-name once said "In the end, we're all dead anyway."  So enjoy a good sunrise. A good meal.  The laugh of children.  A good song.  And never underestimate the joy of experiencing a huge explosion once in a while.

Dave:  Ok. Seriously. What do you think of the current state of quantum physics, molecular mechanics, dark energy, and all that impressive-sounding mumbo-jumbo stuff?  Do these young punks today hold a candle to the guys from your class?

Al: I could kick Mr. Hawking's ass without breaking a sweat.  However, I'd have to run some calculations on the energy conversion rate to validate that.  Now, I'm not so sure I'd have an issue with Mr. Brian Cox.  He seems like a rather fun gentleman to, as they used to day: party down with.  I would expect his statistical odds of attracting members of the opposite sex to places of ill repute to be on the side of optimistic endeavor.

Dave:  (Silence. Blank stare.  For a full minute) If you could observe what America has accomplished, and failed at, over the years since you succumbed to the matters of biological exhaustion, what would you say has been done well, and what has not been done well?

Al:  Your obsession with consumption without regard to true quality is rather strange.  I mean, seriously, fifty brands of barbecue sauce?  Twenty brands and types of yogurt?  How many channels of your so-called "TV" are actually worth watching?  And you pay extra for that?  Very disturbing.  This whole Kardashian thing hits me in the gut like watching old black-and-white prison camp films.  Ugh.  No more.  Please.

Dave:  Okay.  Moving along now.  What could we do better from a national perspective?

Al:  You could consider shifting your economic funding base from a military industrial origin to a national infrastructure origin.

Dave: A whut?

Al:  Instead of shoving your promising, over-eager, Red Bull infused high-schoolers through boot camps, and out into desert shit-holes to hunt down a bunch of bad-smelling lice-collectors, you could look into spending a little tax money on fixing up your own house.  Build some better transportation systems.  Grow this thing you call the Internet to reach all of the interior regions, overlooked by the coastal folks.

Do something to improve your education and higher education systems, for God's sake.  And I don't even consider myself religious.  You know, I'm actually officially an Agnostic, but I have said on more than one occasion that I do entertain the possibility of a conscienceless, or pantheistic "god".  I don't believe he or she, or it, meddles in our affairs much, but I don't believe it plays dice with our universe, either.  You heard that right?  I said it doesn't play dice with this universe thing.  I thought that was a pretty darn good line. Oy.

(Al breaks into a coughing laugh.  Reaches for his shot glass of Brandy and settles down a bit).

Dave: (rubs nose, flips pages) This theory that energy is never lost; how pervasive do you apply this?

Al:  For every smart person, there's an equally stupid idiot walking around.  For every angry dog, there's a sweet dog. For every pleasant aroma, there's a gut-spewing odor.  It goes all around the wheel, as it were.

Dave:  (nodding with furrowed brow) Interesting.  Very interesting.  Did, you, just, fart?

Al: (chuckles)

Dave: Any parting or final words for us temporary mortals, before I let you go back to your other place?

Al:  Live long and prosper.  Make love, not war.  Beer is good, but liquor is quicker.  Blessed are the peace makers.  Nothing beats a good laugh with a group of friends, except a good laugh with a group of complete strangers.

Summary

That was a very brief interview since Al was starting to smell bad.  Not having showered in fifty eight years can do that.  Anyhow, I needed a break from a crappy week.  I hope you enjoyed this at least a little bit.

Cheers!

10 Questions: with David Stein

David M. Stein

Introduction

Really? Is this necessary? If you read my stupidness, then you already know who I "am". If true, you'll probably close this and go back to reading Facebook.  If you don't, well, congratulations: you finally reached the end of the Internet.  My apologies.

Basic bio stuff:  I'm a semi-quasi-successful IT guy working in southeastern Virginia.  I've worked in the CAD/CAM world building weird applications for weird business processes, and moved on to "mainstream" IT stuff, dealing with Windows, Configuration Manager, SQL Server, a bunch of goofy

The Questions

Dave:  First off: what's with the "M" in your name? Do you feel like it adds distinction, like 'Booker T. Washington' or 'Alfred E. Neumann'?

Dave 2:  Alfred was cool. My first cat was named Alfred. Actually, I use my middle initial to differentiate my books on Amazon from another "David Stein", who sells books about Bondage and S/M stuff. No offense intended towards anyone who likes that stuff, but I got tired of being asked if that was me.  The stuff I write about is nowhere near as interesting as that, I'm sure.

Dave 1:  How would you describe what you do for a living?

Dave 2:  Lucky!

Dave 1:  Why?

Dave 2:  I say 'lucky' because I'm a developer by nature, working in roles as analyst/engineer/administrator, but using developer experiences to automate the shit out of anything I can. 

Dave 1:  Can you name some of your favorite musicians or bands?

Some of my favorite musicians would have to include Frank Zappa, Jeff Beck, Pink Floyd, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and U2. But I like a wide range of music, from Miles Davis and Stanley Clark, to Bob Dylan, to Eminem, wherever he is now. That's all mostly due to having once been an aspiring musician. 

Dave 1:  Oh yeah? What instrument did you play? And what particular situation can you recall that was funny or interesting from that time?

Dave 2:  I played drums and percussion. I also took piano lessons, so I dabbled a bit.  Some rock, some pop, some traditional Jazz also. I sat in with a country band once also.

I suppose one of my favorite situations would probably have to be when we were playing 'Hot for Teacher' (Van Halen) in a crowded club one night. Our lead guitarist was coming out of the big solo, doing his scale climb, where the drums follow along, going from a 4/4 thing through a 2/3 or 3/4 segment, whatever... And one of my sticks slipped away and nailed him directly in the back of his head. The spotlight was on him too. Perfect hit.  Talk about playing the wrong note at the wrong time.  Sorry, Clint. No hard feelings dude.

Dave 1:  What drew you away from music and into technology and computers?

Dave 2:  It was the early 80's, and I needed a job. Mostly for gas and beer, at the time. So many priorities back then, you know?  Construction didn't pay enough, nor did dish-washing, lawn-care, retail sales, or painting, so I went into Drafting. After a year doing manual drafting, the whole CAD (computer-aided design) thing came along. At first it was mainframes and workstations, then PC's came along, and then Windows and networking. 

While doing the PC CAD thing, I fell in love with AutoCAD and AutoLISP. It was the first time I was exposed to being able to tweak something to do what I really wanted.  I tried that with my dog, but he wouldn't do anything I asked unless I tossed food at him.  AutoLISP led to years of programming, climbing around on Navy ships, more programming, drinking and traveling, and more programming. But also a lot of drinking. It was the early 80's after all. 

Dave 1:  What kinds of things did you do with AutoLISP and AutoCAD back then?

Dave 2:  Shipbuilding has its own unique drafting standards.  Everyone thinks they are drawn the same way as houses and building or machine parts.  But, it involves its own specific way of doing dimensions, callouts, views, notes, references, and materials lists.  Even the sheet border formats are unique.  It got really annoying having to constantly change everything manually, or copy and edit.  So I wrote some utilities and menus to do it the "shipbuilding way", and that led to a new career path for me.

Dave 1:  So... programming did it? How did you end up doing Windows, AD, SQL and SCCM?

Dave 2:  Hoo-boy! How much time do you have?

(Dave 1: I'm not going anywhere. I am you after all, so, uhhh...)

Ok. Well, you asked, so... (Takes a reeeeeally long inhale)... While working at a particularly large shipyard, I was both their AutoCAD operations, and customizing it all to fit shipbuilding needs. It was a lot of work, but it was fun.  One of the guys in the infrastructure team brought donuts in a lot, so I brought jokes and somehow we got along (and I got fatter too). His name was Brett. He was a really cool guy too. Rest his soul. 

Anyhow, he was rolling out SMS 2.0, which was really new at the time, and he asked if I wanted to work with him to knock out two of the biggest hurdles at the same time: a thousand seats of AutoCAD and a new deployment system. 

Long story short: he got me into thinking about expanding my programming and introduced me to thing like WMI, WBEM, SQL, DCOM, VBscript, and larger perspectives as well. 

Dave 1:  You said, his name "was" Brett.  What happened?  Where is he now?

Dave 2:  About six-feet underground.  Long, sad, depressing story for another time.

Dave 1:  How many questions is that now?

Dave 2:  You're asking me?  Or, ugh, you? I mean... never mind. Continue?

Dave 1: Describe your home life.

Dave 2: A hard-working, creative and loving wife, of 25 years. Three crazy daughters, a wacky son, two weird dogs, and a cat that rules the humans around her. Our kids are ages 14 up to 23. All still at home. Still on my cell plan too, which is why I'm always working and still broke. 

Dave 1:  Do you consider yourself to be a good dad?

Dave 2:  You'd have to ask them that question. 

Dave 1:  Ok, moving along. You said you're broke?  How's that? You have quite a few books on Amazon, a fairly decent blog, and a good job, no?

Dave 2:  Yeah, well. It's complicated. I don't make much on book sales actually.  Maybe I should mix in some kinky S&M crap with my computer topics to pump the sales up?  Who knows.

Dave 1:  What aspects of current technology and the tech industry still excite you?  Which of them do you feel have been a disappointment?

Dave 2:  Ooh! Good questions!

On the good: Open source is still relevant, even with billions being spent to silence it all. Social media. Proliferation of cellular coverage. Mobile devices.  Maturing API stacks.  Faster and cheaper hardware.

On the bad: Social media. The misguided strategies of the big players. Over-hyped rushing to the "cloud". Too many web tech standards. Too many colliding acronyms. 

Dave 1:  Wait a minute. You mention "social media" for both good and bad?

Dave 2: Yep. I did. Good for catching up with long-lost friends, schoolmates, teammates, neighbors, and family. Bad for stirring up drama though. 

Dave 1:  Sheesh. Tell me about it. 

Dave 2:  I just did. 

Dave 1:  Oh, yeah right.  What's with your dislike of the "cloud" trend?

Dave 2:  Same as anything else: Everyone runs to it without stopping to ask why.  It's great for some things, like Microsoft Excel is, but when businesses grab it like it's the cure-all for every problem, they run into problems.  Sometimes that "solution" creates more problems than it solves, and it can be difficult to turn around and "go back" as well.

Dave 1:  If you had absolute control of America long enough to pass a short list of irrevocable laws, what would they be?

Dave 2:  (laughs quietly for almost a full minute...) Ok...

1. Free, High-speed internet to every home, apartment, school and business. 

2. Free, high-speed rail service between every city with at least 400,000 citizens. 

3. Bumperstickers which aren't funny would be punishable by public beatings. 

4. Repeating any rumor, as if it's fact, without passing a cross-examination test to prove you read the actual source facts, would be punishable by slow, painful, death.  For instance, when people blabber on "for" or "against" the so-called "Obama-care" bill, or some spending bill, whatever, but none of them actually read the bill itself.  If you haven't RTFM (ok, RTFB), then STFU, or submit to being electrocuted in the crotch for two hours on live TV while being force-fed liquefied used kitty litter.

5. Everyone would be implanted with an internal electric shock collar and everyone else would get a free remote activator.  That could be pretty interesting indeed.

6. I'm still working on number 6.  Next question?

Dave 1:  So, does that mean you're "for" or "against" the HCRA or so-called "Obama-care" bill?

Dave 2:  Next question?

Dave 1:  Last one.  What would be your ideal epitaph?

Dave 2:   (rubs chin and smiles) "I almost made it!" My second choice would be what my brother suggested, which is "I should have cut the green wire."

Dave 1: Ok, folks. I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as, ummm, "we" did?  For more info, search Dave out on LinkedIn, 4sysops, MyITForum, and Amazon but watch out for that other David Stein. 

Until we meet again: Love. Peace. Namaste, and all that. 

Exam 2013-0824 - Software Packaging, Repackaging and Deployment

The following exam consists of 5 questions pertaining to the field of "software repackaging and deployment" within a Microsoft Windows environment.  Each question may have one or more answers (multiple choice).  You have 15 minutes to complete it.  Good luck!

1. You've been assigned a request ticket to repackage and deploy a product to several computers within your network environment.  The ticket states that there are no binaries from which to build the package, and you must contact the vendor to continue.  You call the vendor and state your objectives.  The vendor replies that you cannot have a copy of their binaries because they don't trust anyone to handle them without pirating them, and that only they can perform installations for each computer.

Which of the following should be your first choice of action?

A. Reach through the phone and bitch-slap the representative with both hands.
B. Laugh hysterically and tell them to "never mind", because you already downloaded a copy from Pirate Bay.
C. Hang up. Close the ticket with a comment stating the vendor is on cheap drugs.
D. All the above.

2. You deployed a bootstrap package to execute a "per-user" installation of a product which was originally packaged as a "Click-Once" installer, onto a group of Windows 7 computers.  You are now told to remove that application and install a different application.  You discover that many of the target computers were shared among multiple users, who each launched the installer and have used it extensively.

Which should you do first?

A. Hire a hitman to kill the vendor.
B. Hire two hitmen and a hitwoman to kill the vendor.
C. Start smoking heavily.  If you already smoke, then smoke more heavily.
D. Look for a job outside of the IT world.

3. Your manager makes a comment during a staff meeting to the effect that "all MSI package installation deployments are the same, and simple as dirt!".  You should...

A. Remain motionless while thinking of your family, starving and crying at home around the bare dinner table, because you reacted properly and choked that person out, instead of ignoring it.
B. Ask the person, "so, when are you taking that job on by yourself?"
C. Yawn and continue working on your Fantasy Football roster from your mobile phone.
D. All of the above, in any order you desire.

4. A different manager insists that virtualization is the cure-all for deploying and managing client applications.

A. You raise your eyebrows.
B. You raise your eyebrows.
C. You raise your eyebrows again.
D. All of the above.

5. Which of the following command syntax examples will install the "fubar2014.msi" package, apply a transform named "tarfu.mst" during the installation, capture the log output into the user's "temp" data folder, do all of this silently, and keep your coffee warm throughout:

A. msiexec /i fubar2014.msi /qn TRANSFORMS=tarfu.mst /l* %temp%\fubar2014.log
B. msiexec /i fubar2014.msi /qb! TRANSFORMS=tarfu.mst /l* %appdata%\fubar.log
C. msiexec /install fubar2014 /quiet /norestart TRANSFORMS=tarfu.mst /lvao %appdata%\fubar.log
D. None of the above.


Be honest, did you scroll down here first and cheat?  Seriously? I hope not.  That would be even worse than failing it without cheating.


answers:

1. D
2. C
3. D
4. D
5. D

So, You Want to Create a New Religion...

I've just polished off a plate of blackened fish tacos and a couple of Mojitos, rode around on my bike  afterwards in 90+ F heat and moderate humidity, so now I'm ready to write something completely stupid and worthless for pure time-wasting.  Sit down, strap in, shut up, and absorb this mind-expanding wisdom I'm about to pour all over you.

Say What?

I was thinking about the current state of world religions and faiths and worship and all that stuff.  And I was also thinking about why so many have been concocted and so many have failed, leaving the relatively small assortment behind for us to shell out our hard-earned money to.  After a few weeks of worshiping the one true, indisputable, Universe-creating God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, obviously, I got to wondering what it would take to sit down and architect a successful religion in this day and age.  Here goes.

Name

You need a really catchy, but easy to say name.  Something that rolls off the tongue smoothly and with just the right amount of alliteration to make it enjoyable after a round of stiff drinks.  The clear winner is Jesus.  Nobody has nailed this on the head like good old JC has.  Let's face it, even if you are a DIE HARD ATHIEST, and you see a four-headed dog walk in the room and eat all of its own legs right in front of you, the odds are 999,999,9999,999999999 to 1 that you will say one of the following phrases:

• "Jesus!"
• "Jesus Christ!"
• "Jesus H. Christ!"
• "Jesus T****-F****** Christ!!!" (omage to Team America)

Nobody.  I mean NOBODY ever says "Muhammad!" or "Abraham!" ,when they see something the completely blows their mind.  They can't even begin to utter "Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!" either.  So, case closed.  Slam dunk. You have to settle on a name which is catchier than JC's.

Rituals

Nobody has this one nailed like the Muslims do.  Say what you want about Sunday church services, or Catholic confessional, or whatever the rest of you do, when it comes to demonstrating utmost faith, you just can't beat salat.  Known to Bud-Lite-swillers as "prayin to Mecca a bunch of times erry day?", this is the ritual stopping, laying out a pretty (and clean!) rug, kneeling and praying towards the direction of your holiest city, and doing it FIVE times EVERY DAY.  Slam dunk.  You have to invent a ritual that tops this one.  I'd say you might stand a chance if you involve beer or sex, but short of that, forget it.

Holidays

Christmas is the clear winner.  Not because of the length, which the Jews have in their corner with Hannukah, or Chanukah, or however you spell it this week.  It's because they've managed to tie the entire concept of Jesus' birth with SALES and BUYING STUFF.  Let's face it: It's a natural combination.  When the three wise guys showed up, they obviously stopped off at Old Navy to get the baby wonder something slammin'.  I don't even know what Muslims or Sikhs or Buddhists do on their holidays, which is pretty my point.  If you win over the advertising pukes, you've won, period.  You have to invent holidays that meet the prime directive of your NASCAR/NFL/MLB/Kardashian/Hell's Kitchen watching folk:

• All of your holidays should land on a Friday or a Monday
• They should involve buying and sharing gifts
• They should involve being off of work
• They should involve beer, sex, fattening foods, and loud engines, or all four

Belief System

This one is a tie.  They're all stupid.  Too many restrictions, period.  Your new religion should take the best of each and add in the usual human margin of stupidity.  For example: Lying.  Everyone lies.  If you really never have lied, and still do not, then you are already a deity, and wouldn't be reading my stupid blog anyway, so shut up.

Self-Control

We all should realize by now that world religions are rife with corruption and human fault.  The only way to avoid such animalistic failure is to build in some sort of self-limiting process.  Kind of like the restricter plate on a NASCAR race car. Maybe institute a prime directive rule that says the supreme leader of your religion must blow him/her self up after X years of leading the sheep.  Maybe something more entertaining, such as requiring them to cut off their own head with a dull knife, live, on YouTube.  And why stop there?!  Make it a requirement to dance around in chicken suit with a cowbell necklace first, and sing Alice Cooper songs.  Then do the deed.

So, there you have it.  If you can concoct a comprehensive, cohesive, structured circus of mindless worshipers using these basic rules, you should be on your way to success.  Just remember to stop and say "Hi!" to Pat Robertson on your way up.  Cheers!

Biography Template - Male

Introduction

The purpose of this document is to provide a fill-in-the-blank form for creating a biographical write-up while keeping the reader interested and alert.  Just copy and paste the content below into your favorite text editor, and replace the FIRSTNAME, MIDDLENAME, and LASTNAME entries with yours, and you're ready to hand it to any prospective employer or government official.  It's that easy!

Let's Begin...

[INSERT PHOTO HERE] FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME LASTNAME was born to parents Melvin Shanghai Sukimbo, from Cuba, and Shi-Shi Von Uteristein, from Afghanistan, while living in the small Italian village of Ombwata Kickbutti, on the Eastern shores of Chad.

At the age of two, FIRSTNAME learned to speak fourteen languages, and read and write six more.  Upon entering the first grade, he had mastered multivariate Calculus and factored all of the prime numbers, when he stayed home from school with a mild case of Herpes and Ebola.

By the time FIRSTNAME had entered Middle School, his family had to relocate to Australia to avoid his paternity suit with four Elementary School teachers and the assistant principal.  The suit was eventually dropped when the five plaintiffs mysteriously turned up in an old, rusty, solar-powered wood-chipper somewhere in the lawless gang-ruled neighborhoods of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.

Prior to graduating High School, FIRSTNAME earned a scholarship to John C. Holmes University, for his exceptional work curing Cancer, AIDS and his invention of Teflon-coated undergarments.  While studying for PhD thesis, FIRSTNAME co-founded the multi-billion dollar corporation Gasious Clay, manufacturing scent-controlled automated Halon systems for office restrooms.  He sold his interests in that company and spent the next few weeks studying to earn his IT certifications.  By the end of the month, he had earned MCP, MCSA, MSCE, MCSD, MCDST, MCITP, and MCT certifications.  

Within a week after his Bar Mitzvah, FIRSTNAME earned his Cisco CCNA and CCNE certifications. Before his 19th birthday, he won the IronMan competition in France, handily defeating the reigning world champion Moses Van Roidshot.   In fact, FIRSTNAME set a new record for lifting and carrying 500 lbs of concrete blocks across a 100 yard obstacle course, walking on his hands, with the weight suspended from his penis by braided steel cables.

At his next position as the Mexican Ambassador to Somalia, FIRSTNAME solved all of the same problems your company is just now having to deal with.  This makes him the perfect candidate for CEO of your organization, even if you currently do not have a position titled as "CEO". You could do a lot worse, and you always have.

Another Book Announcement and More!

I've just published another book!  Yes! I know exactly what you're thinking:  "What the...? Why do they let him keep doing this?!  Have they no mercy upon our eyeballs?!"

Well, in the interests of science, humanity, environment and the ever-pressing need to keep gasoline in the tank of my car, I've decided it was time to pull together as many of the mindless stories I could from my old-as-dirt years working in the world of IT.  That was a very long run-on sentence.  My high school English teachers are probably rolling over in their graves right now.

There's also quite a lot of blabber about how I got into the world of IT and how I swam through the sea of CAD into the ocean of Infrastructure Management and Software Development. It really is fascinating.  Not how I got into IT, but the fact that I could construct a sentence that almost sounded coherent.  Wow!

What's this New Book All About?

The new book is called "You're Only as Good as Your Last Mistake".  Sub-titled "25 Years of Boneheaded Reflection and Stupid IT Stories to Dull your Senses".  It's a blending of a little biographical nonsense, some seriously pretentious pontification, some articles adapted from my blog (this blog), and stories about things going bump in the electronic night. I suppose it could be called a BioTechieHumorFailDisasterFest.  Uhhh.  Yeah.

It's available on the Amazon Kindle store in every country where Amazon can sell books (US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, India, Japan, Spain, Canada and Brazil, as far as I know).

Here's the GOOD NEWS!

• It's only $2.99 (USD) and whatever that translates to in other currency
• Don't have a Kindle?  No problem.  You can download a FREE Kindle Reader app for iPhone, Android, Blackberry, Windows Phone, Windows XP/Vista/7/8, Mac OS, and ...
• You can read Kindle books online in almost any web browser using the Kindle Cloud Reader!
• If you are an Amazon Prime member, you can "borrow" eBooks, including all of my eBooks, for FREE!

What's the Catch?

• I only ask a small favor:  It's a BIG favor for me, and a small effort on your part, but I really would appreciate honest reviews of my books.  If you've purchased, or borrowed, any of my eBooks and actually read them (without pausing in the middle to stab yourself in the eyeballs with a fork), please go to the Amazon web site for the book(s) you've read and submit your opinion on them?
• You can start at my Author Profile page to make it easy.
• Thank you!

Sample: "Where it All Began: From Doritos to Digital Ships"

"Chronologically it's weird, because some of those jobs were in parallel with others.  For example, in that maze of titles I managed to fit in roughly five good years of rock and jazz band, but whatever. I also weaved in about ten years of artwork (painting, drawing, squishing clay stuff around, and so on) which never earned me more than "Hey man, that's cool!"  I remember responding a few times with "Cool enough to buy?", and the response to that being something like "Yeah! By somebody.", but somehow "somebody" could never be found. 

Sometime in early 1984, Mark, one of my brothers stoned friends, walked into our kitchen while I was maniacally inhaling a bowl of Fruit Loops (my favorite cereal at the time).He stopped at the doorway to exclaim "I got a job, dude!" to which we all replied with stunned silence.  I decided to inquire, saying something intelligent like "Oh yeah? What?"  

He explained that he was hired as a "Naval Designer" at a local Naval engineering firm, and went on to indulge us in this magically mysterious thing called "benefits", and something even more interesting, called a "salary". If I hadn't grown up in a Navy town (okay, a Navy "region"), I would have assumed a "Naval Engineer" designed belly-button replacements or something. 

Most of what Mark said was really fascinating, even though I could barely hear his muttering over my own cereal-chewing noise.  The best way to describe him is to think of someone who looks, sounds, and acts a lot like Jeff Spiccolli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High), only not as funny, has a mustache and wears glasses, coming in and telling you he was hired at an engineering firm.  You get the idea. 

Somewhere towards the end of my bowl of cereal Mark said something that perked my ears up.  I think it was something he mentioned about there being more positions needing to be filled, and that they paid pretty well. As it turned out, there were roughly twenty openings for "Drafting Apprentice" jobs, so I ran down and applied.  After a short interview ("Can you hold a pencil, boy? Alrighty! You is hired!"). 

I was finger-printed, scanned, questioned, photographed, probed and stamped with a badge and told to show up at 7:30 AM the following Monday.  That led to five or six years of my work as a Drafter/Designer in the U.S. Naval engineering field." 

Sample above (C)2013 David M. Stein, All Rights Reserved. May not be reproduced or copied, transmitted, in whole or in part, for any purposes or derivative use, without explicit written consent of the author (me). And let's face it: If you're so desperate that you'd consider copying this literary fast food schlock, well, you may need some serious medication already.

Bullshitilizer 2013 Ultimate Edition

If you ask anyone who has worked in a large office (i.e. corporate) environment, whether or not they've found themselves in a situation where they had to change course, in mid-discussion, to avoid getting caught wasting valuable "company time", they will usually nod in agreement.  Standing in the doorway, having a heated discussion about any (or all) of the following topics:

• Last night's sports game
• Recent (or upcoming) episodes of "The Walking Dead"
• Gun Control
• Abortion
• Immigration
• Religion
• Politics
• Best TV SitCom
• Best late night talk show
• Gadgets (cameras, phones, etc.)
• Hot office babes (if you have any) and what they're wearing today

Suddenly, the CEO/CFO/CIO/CTO/CSO/CMO/CBO/CAO/COO/CXO turns the corner, with a dower look on his/her face.  The expression says "I'm ready to fire the next bastard I see shooting the shit in the hallway!!!"

What do you do?

Fear not!  I have a handy list of conversation jump-starters to pull out just for those pants-crapping moments.  But there's an important catch here:

You can't just switch conversation gears without being careful to select a topic that logically fits with your job role.  In other words, if you are a Network engineer, you don't want start jaw-jacking about Git, or UAT, especially if the "suit" passing by knows what your job role is.  So I've grouped them by job role to help you out.

For each functional group/department/team/division headlined below, use one of the phrases listed beneath it.  Each is intended to jumpstart a new conversation, but will only work if your accomplice is clued-in beforehand, unless he/she is astute enough to pick up on the hidden agenda and can improvise along with you.  And remember: These will only work if you keep a straight face.

Applications Development

• "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Applications Support

• "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Help Desk

• "Did you see that call about Outlook Inbox synchronization this morning?"
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Information Security (aka "InfoSec")

• "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Network Engineering

• "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Project Management

• "I was looking over the changes in the second review, and ..."
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Systems Engineering

• "I was looking over the changes in Service Pack 1, and ..."
• "I'm not sure I understand why they want to do the change that day, instead of..."
• "Have you seen the [product_name] from [vendor_name] yet?"
• "Oh yeah! I can't make that meeting because I'm scheduled for another at the time."

Good luck!

Writing for 4Sysops.com

I may have mentioned it before, but I've accepted an offer to write articles for 4Sysops.com.  So far, I've submitted two multi-part articles:

• SCCM Right-Click Tools - Part 1
• SCCM Right-Click Tools - Part 2
• SCCM Right-Click Tools - Part 3
• Configuration Manager - The Evolution of Security - Part 1 (coming soon)
• Configuration Manager - The Evolution of Security - Part 2 (coming soon)

You may be wondering (all three of you who read my blog) what impact this may have on this blog.  Or maybe that question never crossed your mind.  That's ok, I'll pretend you were wondering about this and I will pretend to address your pretend concerns.  Mmmkay? :)

First, I will continue to post things here on this blog.  Things I find interesting and, hopefully, you find interesting as well.  I will at least shoot for "peculiar" if I can't attain "interesting", but either way, I will do my best to entertain whilst shoveling loads of techno-babble into your eyeballs.

Second, 4Sysops.com will get first dibs on upcoming topics.  That way I don't create any conflicts with our agreement.  Contracts matter, after all.  Most of what I submit to 4Sysops.com will be purely technical in nature.  Most of what I post here will be a mix of technical and philosophy, with a pinch of stale humor thrown in.

Third, I really don't have a third.  But I will try to avoid confusing readers and do my best to cross-reference things so it doesn't become a chore to access content on either site.  I hope this works for everyone.  After all, trying to please everyone always works well.

A Little Humor for Monday morning

I dusted this off from the original I did in 2003.  I updated the logos and added Amazon, but otherwise it's pretty relevant to today I think...

How to Tell if Your Toilet Tissue is Too Cheap

1. You have pull tissue from the roll gently to avoid tearing it too soon.

2. The tissue roll is about the same width as a roll of adding machine paper.

3. If a drop of water gets on the roll it swells up enough to make the entire roll useless.

4. The tissue is thin enough to require unrolling three feet of it, and then doubling it over, so your fingers don't punch through.

5. When you lay a square of tissue on top of a newspaper, you can still read the news through it.

Best Exam Ever

If you work in IT and have ever chased certification, you are well aware of the familiar exam questions.  Most are scenario based, but they are always focused on the technical aspects.  We all know that technical skills will only get you so far in a career.  There's much more that has to be mastered in order to gain upward mobility.  Here's an example exam to try out...

1. Your boss calls you into a private meeting and explains his new "vision" for the IT environment.  He read an article on a recent business trip flight about how switching from Windows to Linux will save tons of money.  He insists there's no research or planning required.  "Just do it" he says, like the Nike commercials say.  You try to explain the problems with getting all the Windows applications to run either natively with WINE or through virtualization, but he waves you off as if you were a noisy mosquito at a wine festival.  You need to make a decision on what to do.  You choose one of the following:

A. Request a transfer to a different department (different manager)
B. Apply for a job at a different employer
C. Insist he increase his dosage of Xanax and avoid business flights for another year
D. Put a Linux wallpaper theme on his Windows desktop and convince him the migration is complete

Ze Frank - An Invocation for Beginnings

Oh man. I sure hope I'm reading this correctly? Is Ze coming back? I miss his shows from years past.

Another Interview, part 2

This is the long promised (or long threatened?) follow-up to the last interview of myself. This time I was interviewed by Malcom X. Yes. The same one you've read about. He's not dead, but working at a Burger King, with Elvis. He had a few minutes during a shift change and decided to sit down with me. Enjoy!

Thank you for allowing me to interview you.  So, how are you doing?

Great. Never better. Never more broke, but at least I'm alive.

Tell me about it. I'm kidding. Please don't. - so, let's get back to the interview... You've been writing code for over two decades. Billions of lines of code. So let me ask you: Scripts or Group Policy?

Yes.

Yes?

That's right. Yes.

Is it really billions of lines?

I doubt it, but if that impresses you, well, then yes.

Is that a good thing?

Not really.  The most impressive number would be one.  If I could have solved all my tasks in the past thirty years with one line of code - THAT would kick ass to Jupiter and back again.

(rubs his scruffy chin)

So, you feel there's a place for Scripting and Group Poliy in 2011?

Doesn't Microsoft?

Good point. When would it make sense to use one versus the other?

Well, Malc... You don't mind me calling you Malc?

Sure. Just don't call me Little.

No sweat. Even Cassius prefers Ali. Anyhow, Malc, I'm a consultant. We are Pavlovian conditioned to respond to every question with "it depends". Go ahead, try me?

Ok. What four legged animals would you have sex with?

(Long pause; Blank stare) Next question?

You didn't answer my first.

Oh yeah. The answer is "it depends".  Next question?

(Long pause with blank stares) A lot of American kids today seem to be conditioned to believe that the IT field is a dead end. No point in studying it.  Why is that?

I don't know. Probably because every IT publication and every corporate CEO, CFO, CIO, CTO and whatnot spent an enormous amount of time and effort repeating the mantra of outsourcing and offshoring. They got what they wanted: a reason to push for more H1B approvals.  Then they can hire foreign labor for half the price to write dozens of cute little iPhone and Android apps in little sweatshops behind every Jiffy Lube.

H1B?  Is that like H1N1?

You've been dead way too long.

Is Nixon still president? Next question: Where do you see the future of IT going in the next decade?

I can't see that far ahead. Nobody can.

Nobody?

If you pick up an issue of almost any IT publication, in fact ANY publication, from 1990 to 2000 and read the predictions they made for the next ten years, they are all so horribly wrong they should fold up and close. Oh wait, they did.

Wow!

I know! It's sooooo ridiculous how arrogant those ass clowns are.

No, I meant "wow: that's the most words you've spoken since we started"

Just for that I'm calling you Mr Little.

F*** you.

Point taken. What's your next question?

So after I left this ball of dirt, what did I miss?

A string of idiotic and utterly worthless presidents, and politicians posing as defenders of the public, a string of cheesy action movies, romantic comedy movies, plastic hairspray rock bands and more movies with Jude Law…

Who?

Never mind… You also missed a steroidfest of sports recordbreakers, a bad o-ring on a space shuttle, the microwave oven, velcro, condom commercials on TV, and the advent of MTV, or Music TeleVision.

What's that?

A channel that only shows teenage dramaqueen scripted "reality" shows about drunken, screwing derelicts, insanely wealthy mansion tours, and trailer park teenage pregnancies.

Oh.  We had in Detroit back in '66.

I know.

Anything good?

There's Tosh.O, Family Guy, South Park, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.  Discovery Channel, History Channel and Travel Channel are pretty good sometimes.  Disney and GE bought the main networks so you can guess how shitty those are.

Eeeew!

They also have Pay-Per-View porn, sports and wrestling (not to be confused with real sports). Here, have a tissue.

(blows nose) Thanks!

Don't mention it.

Where was I?

Is that a question?

(blank stare)

How did a guy like you end up in the IT field?

I don't really know.  I got really drunk, passed out, and woke up with a pocket protector on.  It's been a strange ride ever since.

(rubs chin and nods)

UNIX or Windows?  And what the hell is Windows?

Is that the best you can do?  Why not unscrew your brain and toss in the woodchipper so you can think up a question like "OSX or Windows?"?

Well?

Well what?

OSX or Windows?

Is that the best you can do?

Who's giving the interview here?

I lost track of who's talking.  Who's the black guy here?

I can't tell.  Are the lights turned down?

I hear that a lot.

Rant Time Again: Microsoft Access

This started with a brief post on Facebook, but I felt it necessary to expound upon this with a little more digressive digestive congestive festive and restive zeal.  Enough of that already.

Where do I begin.  Hmmmm.  Finger's are tapping…  Here goes:

I hate Microsoft Access.  I despise it.  It might just provide enough evidence that "evil", as it were, can and does in fact exist, even in the skeptical minds of agnostics and atheists.  My atheist colleagues would likely say "there is no 'evil', there is only man; trying desperately to blame some ethereal scapegoat so as to avoid responsibility for his own actions".  That may be true.  I'm not Nietzche or Wittgenstein, so my rebuffment to this would be "Oh yeah?  Well, then, what about Microsoft Access?! Hmmmm?!"  At this point they begin stammoring and stumbling and stuttering and hemming and hawing. I've handed their Superman belief system a fresh wheelbarrow of Kryptonite.

Less educated folks would respond to my response with "Well, Mr. Rational - Access was created by man, so it still qualifies as wrong-doing by man, not the transendental force called 'evil'".  I ignore them and continue picking my nose.  Confident of my superior defectiveness.  Those with a greater understanding of it would then be nodding and saying something like, "Sorry buddy.  Access transcends the potential evilness of mankind alone.  It digs down to a whole new level of treachery and depravity."  And then they'd all form a line to the Confessional and heavy drinking.

Where was I?  All this quasi-intellectual bullshit I'm spewing forth… Oh yeah…

When Microsoft decided to bundle this little land mine called "Access" into their Office suite, they essentially created a toolbox in the shape of a crack pipe, that enticed idle fingers to begin doodling and tinkering.  If they would have simply used it as a "database" and left the GUI (forms, reports, etc.) to REAL applications, things would be fine. 

But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…. 

They HAD to build "applications" inside of Access.  Thus began the existence of the Taliban.  Darkness and horror suddenly had a new face.

Everyone working in an IT department of anything resembling a large business, corporation, municipality or Federal organization is nodding in full agreement already.  And if they're not, well, they are idiots.  Why?  Because…

As soon as these garage mechanics turned NASCAR professionals throughout our office departments everywhere started dabbling with Access and building "mission critical oh-my-f***ing-GOD-our-company-will-self-destruct-if-you-take-away-this-mission-critical-oh-my-GOD-access-application", they essentially created what is now referred to as the "shadow IT operations" of our world.  They spent company funds on MS-Access self-teaching books ("Access for Idiots", "Access for Dummies", "Access for Asswipes", "Access for Pedophiles", and so on).  They spent hours building tables, queries, and then (I get nauceous at the next few words): forms, reports and VBA code to glue this festering pile of rotting carcas meat into a "business application".  One or two was expected.  Three dozen were born in the first month, and they've only multiplied exponentially ever since.

But, as Ron Popeil would say: "But wait!  That's not all!"…

Then came the revealing moment of true evil: The next Office upgrade.  When they tried to open their little wunderkind uber-creations in the newer version of Access, guess what happened?  Go ahead. Take a guess.  A wild guess.  I'll wait….     That's right - they crashed. 

The solution?  Upgrade all the stupid Access trashware crapplications (heavy emphasis on the plurals).

The Results?  --- IT was typically forced to hold off deploying what would otherwise be a routine Office upgrade, because this Access "oh-my-GOD-we-have-to-have-this-or-Revelations-begin" database "application" with crappy VBA forms that required hours and days and weeks of upgrade torture and testing and more torture - IT was forced to shelve it for months, often a year or more.  Has this lessened?  Subsided?  Relented?  Hell no!  There are just as many of these little six-legged pieces of fecal matter running around as ever.

The feeling in the pits of our IT stomachs, after being ordered to wait for the non-qualified simpletons to do their own upgrades, was about the same as what an OB-GYN would feel when being told to wait while the stumbling husband setup the video camcorder.

We tried.  IT folks begged them to move their data into SQL Server or Oracle.  They refused.  We tried to educate them on de-coupling.  They blew us off.  We cried to management, but the little weezels got there first.  Today, we sit in meetings that still end up with someone going "well, HOW are we going to move forward with all these Access database apps?" with a tone like a bad Victoria Jackson impersonation.

It started with Access 97.  Then they had to hold everyone up while they upgraded it to Access 2000.  Then again for Access XP (2002), and again with 2003.  Then another upgrade to Access 2007.  And now we're suffering through this mind-numbing cesspool of idiocy to get to Access 2010.  "Wait!  You can't deploy that upgrade because ---" 

IT cuts them off …

"yes, we know, because you need a few months to upgrade the ****ing piece of **** Access **** you insist we never migrate into a REAL application environment.  All in the name of YOU justifying your pathetic existence and diversion of corporate funding away from our training budget and Summer picnic and all that.  Go ahead.  We'll wait.  Maybe by the time Office 2014 ships you'll have it ready for Office 2010.  That's fine.  Not like we need to improve any efficiencies around here."

Want a little entertainment?  Walk over to one of your overzealous Access "developers" and (with a straight face) say "So, did you get the word that we're moving all the Access databases into SQL now?"  Then stand back and watch them implode.  It's like taking crack from an addict.  I've actually tried this.  It ain't pretty.  I almost felt sad watching them have a complete mental meltdown and defending their application as if pleading for their life at gunpoint.  Sad.

Can you tell I ****ing HATE Microsoft Access?

Yes - you will now have the urge to say "But Dave, Access is a great little app!"  Yes.  By itself, it's not a bad thing.  It's what it ALWAYS gets glued into that ends up screwing up IT operations everywhere.  Thousands of Access database apps, culled and coddled together by hours of self-learning effort, in the name of impressing the co-workers and the boss and making themselves vital to the company.  And when these self-made Access folks speak up in a meeting to say we should use Access as the backend to all of our intranet portal apps, with thousands of employee users - I grit my teeth to the point of shattering them in little pieces.  Anger.  Anger!  The angst is overflowing… breathe…. breathe…. aaahhhhhh…. mmmmmmmmmmm…. happy thoughts - yessss…. happy thoughts.  It.will.be.ok.  Aaaaahhhhhhhh….. mmmmmmmmmmm…

Epilogue -

The council has voted.  Dave is now supreme leader of the cosmos.  The emperor of the galactic federation.  He emerges from the ominously tall heavy wooden doors, sauntering casually down the long polished marble walkway to the grand podium, to greet the masses, cheering in elation at the hope that has now, finally, materialized into the promise.  The promise of a better tomorrow.  So much hope.  So much pent up excitement at the potential he brings to the Universe.  He approaches the podium.  The gathering masses begin to quiet.  They await his first words… shhhhh…. he speaks:

"My fellow galactians, or, er, uh.. whatever the **** you call yourselves.  I have decided to begin this first day of my administration with the following decree:  All instances of Microsoft Access are to be vaporized immediately." (massive cheers).  "And… anyone, speaking in favor of this horrific little beast shall be dunked in ice water and then lit on fire and tossed into a nuclear wood chipper.  Any questions?"  after the long silence… "Good.  I didn't think so."  And again the masses erupt in cheer.

Daily Irritation #23

This is a guy thing as far as I know.  But picture this, and I'm sure many guys out there have experienced this one:

You're wearing office attire: pressed khaki's, button up shirt, tucked in and neat, some sort of brown-ish loafer or hush-puppy style shoes, and possibly matching dark socks of some kind.  You've been running from meeting to meeting and drinking tea or water or coffee (or all three) and now you get your first break and head directly to the nearest restroom.  You lock-in on the target and race to the closest available urinal and unzip your fly.  Then you do that stupid clumsy move with the thumb where you try to slide your shirt tail up so you can get hold of the elastic waistband of your underwear to pull downward to let Mr. Happy out - so you can play super-soaker or Tom Clancy (on those imaginary terrorists hiding in the back of the porcelain fortress).

But the problem is your thumb can't seem to get the shirt out of the way and you can't get to the elastic waistband fast enough.  The bomb is ticking.  The music is getting louder.  Sweat beads are forming on your forehead.  It's like deciding whether to cut the red wire or the blue one.  Think fast!  Pressure is on!  The Bladder Monster is pounding at the door like a DEA squad on a Bronx crackhouse.  Suddenly you scream out loud: "get the **** out of my **** **** way!!!", and you cut the red wire and all is good.  Now you can relax as your eyes water up from the sensation of letting go.

Shirt tails and elastic wastbands are the work of the devil.

Greetings

Recommended Reading

I have no idea who this guy is, or anything about him.  I know nothing of him whatsoever.  But the book (at only $1.99) is a short and pretty read.  And you can read it on almost anything with the free Kindle Reader app.  Check it out.