Sunday, December 1, 2013

Black Friday Retarded Retail Report (Front Lines Edition)

(insert some really kick-ass dramatic theme music right now...)

(drink some strong, but cold and stale coffee...)

(inhale as deeply and quickly as you possibly can...)

The employer's name has been withheld to protect the insanity (and my seasonal job).  All I can say is that it's a well-known, international, electronics and home convenience store with a location in a mall somewhere in the city of Virginia Beach, Virginia, which is located in the picturesque and sometimes-expensive United States of America.  Any specific or explicit references, links, innuendos or mumblings are purely coincidental and should not, will not, and do not, constitute implication or identification, nor indemnification, of any specific retail business, by name or otherwise.

Batteries not included.

It was a blood bath. Okay, not quite, but it almost kind of sort of felt like it.  Giggling teenagers, sporting hickeys on their exposed necks, colorful tattoos and piercings, and playfully romping around uncontrolled in the midst of cautious and elderly shoppers.  It was horrific.  People might have been scared, or something.

To summarize:

  • Screaming, slobbering babies.  Everywhere.
  • Drunken customers
  • Obnoxious customers
  • Customers, customers galore...
  • Horny customers (usually in pairs)
  • Handicapped customers
  • Customers lost asleep in the store.
Dr. Seuss was a prophet among men (or small children, at least).
  • Customers testing out the cosmetic mirrors by squeezing their pimples
  • Customers having a snowball fight in the store, with sand
  • A customer who asked if the warranty covered the item being stolen
  • Another customer asking why they couldn't get the Black Friday discount on a Sunday
  • Customers asking if the "Fits iPad 2 and 3 only" folding cases would fit their Nexus 7 tablet
  • A customer who got visibly upset when I informed him that the indoor/outdoor digital thermometer kit will show the same temperature for both environments, if they ignore the notice on the box that says the remote sensor needs to be positioned OUTSIDE or at least on the glass surface of an outer window.  He really had trouble grasping that whole "remote" thing.
  • A five year-old girl wandering around the store swinging one of these around like a toy, and singing to it, while her "mother" remained oblivious to it all.
And my personal favorite: The employer who decided, midday on Friday (actually, around 3:30 PM) to block all employee purchases until Saturday.  Not that the usual policy of employee's getting a 30% discount was enough, nor the additional Black Friday BOGO (actually, BOGOHO) terms were too generous, but that they BLOCKED all employee purchases.  That's a fantastic morale booster.

That was Job "number 3" for me actually.  As I'm working (literally) three jobs until January, when I (hopefully) will cut back to just two.  Job "number 2", is at a local grocery store, which is part of yet another international corporate chain (see the common pattern here?).  

This one however, was really a "Green Wednesday" experience, which is the name I made up for the night before Thanksgiving, when people freak out that they won't have enough food to get even fatter than what they already have in the cabinets to get fat on.  American's are the most in-shape people on the planet, after all.
  • A box of (thank God) unused Tampons left in the Pizza freezer
  • A used, but (thankfully) tightly-sealed baby diaper, left behind a stack of rice bags on a shelf
  • I invented a Turkito (a burrito made from leftover Turkey meat, stuffing, green bean caserole and some stale corn burrito wraps, in a microwave oven).  Rachel Ray: eat your ___ out.
  • I fed my dog so much leftovers she puked it up, and I got watch the other dog eat the puke.  Then the cat ate what dog number 2 puked up.  In the end, nothing was wasted.  So, suck on that Al Queada.
  • I discovered I have a passion for cheap Argentinian Malbec wines.
  • I discovered that some medications work even better with Malbec wines.
  • I discovered that some medications and cheap Malbec wines work on the toilet even better the next morning.
  • I discovered that no matter how much I can crack myself up I'm still not getting paid for it.
  • I discovered that I need to actually play the lottery in order to improve my chances of winning it.
Anyhow, that's all for now.  Back to you, Bob!


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