How to Translate Politician Speeches

When they Say…	It Really Means…
I’m going to go to Washington and change they way they do business!	I’m going to dive into a gigantic mob of people that will never give me 5 seconds of listening.
I have a plan to ____	I have absolutely no plan at all.  It’s just lip service to get you excited.
I will get the lobbyists out of government!	I have absolutely no understanding of how government works.
I’m going to stop special interest groups!	I am a complete idiot.  I will do whatever they say as soon as they apply pressure.
I will create jobs and get Americans back to work.	It sounds great, but I really don’t know how to do that when the jobs will make things nobody will buy, because they don’t have jobs to afford to buy the stuff.
I will get America off of foreign energy dependence.	I hate Canada so bad, I will repeat the same crap that every candidate has promised since 1971.
I will fix health care.	I can walk on water too.
I will reduce or eliminate our deficit.	I can walk on water too.
Education is my top priority.	Until the lobbyists get hold of me.
I am an independent!	I do whatever my party tells me to do.
I will fix our failing infrastructure.	Right after I meet with the lobbyists and special interest groups.
I will reduce taxes	I will cut and eliminate programs you need or that will risk our nations security.
I will raise taxes	I am committing political suicide.
I will help senior citizens	I don’t give a **** about senior citizens, but it makes me sound affectionate and compassionate.
I’m going to work hard for you!	But only during the time I’m actually at work, which is only half of the year.  The other half I will be golfing with lobbyists and special interest groups.